Notes on the Journey

Monday, July 9, 2012

Physical Connection

It's amazing how fear shows up.  Sometimes we don't even recognize it as fear.  We just don't do something.  We're not sure why.  It's something we thought we wanted to do.  It's something that would be good for us.  But, somehow, we just don't do it.

I want to be more connected to my body.  I want to be more physically active.  I know it would be good for me.  I know I'd enjoy it if I'd do it.  But, I don't do it.  Why?  What am I afraid of?  What's the resistance?  Where does it come from?

Is it really easier to beat myself up for not doing it?  Is the guilt for not doing it better than the joy and accomplishment I'd get from doing it?  I have no excuses.  I have the time.  There's nothing in my way.  But, I still struggle with saying "yes."

I resist structure, and yet I know that some structure is a good thing.  I don't want to have to do anything, even something that's good for me.  But, that kind of rebellion is self-destructive.  And, what am I rebelling against exactly?  Authority?  What kind of authority?  Whose authority?

When I was working as a script supervisor I had very little time to do what I wanted to do.  While I was on a job, I was tired all the time.  And, when I was off work, I wanted total freedom and no commitments.  But, I'm not working now.  That dynamic doesn't have any relevance anymore.  No one and nothing owns my time, but me.  I can decide to do something good for myself and it won't get interrupted or taken away from me.  I can make the time for myself.  I can give myself the gift of movement and connection to myself through my body.  I can be consistent.

I'm forming new ways of living and new habits of behavior.  I'm getting to know myself in different ways.  I can be disciplined for myself.  I can make commitments to myself.  I can be strong for myself.  I can be good to myself.  I can put myself first.  I can love myself enough to allow myself to change.  I can embrace the change.  I can wake my body up and let Life flow through me.  I can connect and feel and express and move.  And, the more I move and reconnect to myself, the more of my being will engage and come alive.  I will find that I'm much more than I've been allowing myself to be.  It is through my body that I will connect to the Earth, and through my body that I will manifest into being what is mine to give.

Sometimes it's the first step that's the most difficult.  Once we take the leap and Life sees our intention and focus, then everything falls into place.  And so, I take that step...I walk forward.  And, I keep walking.


  1. maybe the actual fear is the fear of the freedom of doing nothing?

    1. You could be right! Relaxing into less activity is also an adjustment. I'm meeting a friend this afternoon for a belly dancing class and she's going to help me get a monthly membership to a gym with a pool for less than half of what the other place I looked at would cost. So Life is helping me put some physical movement into my days. :)