Notes on the Journey

Friday, June 7, 2013

Heart Opening

I've been so emotional lately.  I've attributed it to the fact that I'm moving and that so much is being triggered within me.  And, that is true, but it's not the whole reason.

It occurred to me today that my heart is opening in new and unfamiliar ways.  Because I'm not used to this new level of vulnerability and compassion, I experience it as emotion.  I go through levels of this opening where I'm emotional and raw, and then I integrate that level and things calm down, and then a new opening occurs and the emotional rawness returns.  I finally realized that it's waves of energy coming in and triggering heart openings.  I've been integrating and welcoming home parts of myself that got broken off at various points of my life, leaving because the way things were didn't allow them to stay and blossom.  And so, my heart has been required to open in order to love them home and expand so that the wholeness of me can be present and have expression.  Or, maybe it's because my heart is opening that those parts of me are able to come home.  I think it's a combination of both.

I'm more sensitive in general.  Things touch me deeply, more deeply than before.  I watched a video this morning that was included in the most recent newsletter I'd received from Krista Tippet and her "On Being" series.  It was about a young (33) artist, Martha Depp, who had ovarian cancer and who was dying.  Her brother made the video as a tribute to her and her art.  She was a very talented painter.  She is the one speaking in the video.  She has a soft voice and a frail form, but what was also obvious was that she was strong and courageous and inspiring.  She accepted her state and welcomed the release it would bring.  And, she painted.  She wanted to leave all her work complete.  And, she accomplished that.  I was so touched by her beauty and her courage and her deep acceptance that I wept.  Not out of sadness, but because I felt expanded by her.  I felt increased by just watching a six-minute video of her.  Here is the link if you would like to experience this video:  http://www.onbeing.org/blog/completely-free-be-vulnerable-martha-depp-art-and-cancer/2647

I'm more sensitive in my body and feel physical things, as well as energetic things, more than before.  I seem to hear and see on deeper levels.  And, it feels raw because this level of vulnerability, this state of less protection and more wholeness, is new and must be adjusted to.  But, as I integrate these changes, I become more settled and calm within myself.  I think we're all going through these changes.  I'm not the only one who's experiencing this.

There is so much going on for each and every one of us.  We're going through deep changes internally, and big changes externally.  People are moving, changing jobs, moving on from long-term relationships, beginning new and maybe unlikely relationships, and changing outworn perceptions in general.  Things are expanding for all of us very quickly on a global scale.  It's because all of us are opening our hearts more and more, and the result of that is change.  As our hearts open, we become more deeply aware of who we really are, and we realize that we've been living lives of adaptation, rather then lives of passion directed by our inner knowing.  Passion can be wild or it can be quiet and intense.  It is the deep flow of Life through each of us and our awareness of it and what it means.  It's when we act from that inner knowing.  Passion is true integrity.

It's not necessarily an easy transition from a life of adaptation to a life of passion, but it is a necessary one if we are ever to feel fully engaged with Life.  It's painful to realize that we might have lived the life that was thrust upon us by family or society or circumstance, and that it was not, has not been, the life we would have chosen for ourselves if we'd felt we'd had a choice.  But, we can always claim that life once the awareness of our adaptation becomes conscious.  We can always let go and start over.  We can always listen and act from our deepest place of connection to Life.  And, as we make this fundamental change, we inspire others to do so as well.  And, we contribute to a groundswell of passion that is birthing itself into the global collective.

I live a simple life at this point.  It's what I want after what seems like a long period of living a life of much complication and adaptation.  I've eliminated a lot from my life and gotten to know myself again, or maybe I should say, discovered my deeper Self in a way that I've not done up to this point.  And, the simplicity of my life is allowing me to be fully present with all the changes that I'm going through, that we're all going through together.  I'm so grateful for this time of real presence.  It changes things and has helped me to reorient my priorities and to see what's really important.  I used to be much more externally focused, even though I had an active internal life.  But now, I am more internally focused, and the interesting result of that is that I'm even more present in the external.  Who knew?

We're all on a journey of deep transformation and change.  It has been going on for a long time, and will continue for a long time to come.  We'll have times of respite in order to integrate and enjoy what we're going through, but we will keep plunging ahead and expanding and opening because we are alive, and Life is eternal and unending.  Physical bodies will come and go, where we choose to embody will change, but Life will continue unabated, filled with mystery and growth and the pure joy of experience.  We are Love embodied, and we're only just beginning to understand what that really means.

Right now, I'm grateful to be experiencing these waves of Love that wash through me and leave me changed forever.  I'm grateful for simple things and a simple life that allows me to fully experience it.  I'm grateful for this Life in this body, here and now, and for Life in general, in all the ways it manifests.  I'm grateful for the level of acceptance I've reached and the lack of expectation I currently have.  I am, once again, on my knees in gratitude. 

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Emotionally Raw, But Happy

I can hear thunder, and the wind has picked up.  From my vantage point, I can see that it's raining in the valley below me.  The first monsoon?  Will they come early this year, after practically not even showing up for the last couple of years?

I had all my moving boxes stacked on the balcony, but if it rains, they'd all get soaked.  So now, they're all stacked in my living room, which isn't so much a living room anymore as a storage room.  I've packed quite a bit so far and I've got tall stacks of packed boxes sitting all over my space.  I don't move until the end of the month, but I want to get as much packed as possible as soon as possible so there is, hopefully, no crisis at the end.  I'd like everything to go as smoothly as possible in terms of being ready for the moving truck when it arrives.  It costs a small fortune to move across the country, and time is money.

I work through the packing at a slow pace.  Not everything will go, and so thought must be put into what is being packed.  Decisions must be made as to what goes and what gets given away.  Some days I'm quicker and some days I'm slower.  It all depends on what's being packed and which room draws me.  Lots of memories are being triggered, not only by what I go through as I pack, but also because I'm moving back to my home town, and specifically back to the part of town I lived in during my late teens and twenties before I left for what I then thought were greener pastures.

My cats follow me around and constantly check in, needing assurance as their world is thrown into chaos.  I sometimes spend hours just sitting and remembering and processing, what went before and what's happening now.  This is why I'm not waiting to pack.  This is why I'm doing it now.  If I have days after everything is packed before the truck gets here, that's fine.  But, I don't want to be rushing around at the end, still trying to throw things in boxes so they can be loaded onto the truck.

I've taken down all the art that has graced my walls and either packed what could be packed, or stacked it in the hallway.  I spent more time looking at it when I took it down than I have as I have lived with it.  I've taken it for granted in the way we do with things we see everyday.  So, packing it, or getting it ready to pack, has given me a chance to appreciate it and choose to continue to live with it.  As I pack, I get to re-choose what I keep.  And, over the last two moves, I've downsized a lot, so what stays is important.  And, I realize how little I really need.

I've been wandering like a gypsy for the last 40 years, but my feeling in moving back to San Diego is that my wandering days might be through.  That is not to say that I might not do some traveling, but I do feel that finally it will be possible to put down some roots.  There's a peace to moving back, an internal settling, an ahhhh.  Being near the ocean in San Diego makes me happy.  And, even though I've mostly enjoyed the places where I've lived in the last 40 years, being happy isn't something I would have said about myself.  But, I can feel happiness bubbling up from deep inside at the prospect of going home.

I love Albuquerque.  And, I'm grateful for how she's held me and nurtured me while I've been here.  I'm grateful for the wonderful friends I've made here.  And, I will always hold this place of immense beauty close to my heart.  I talk to the Deva of the city as I drive around her.   I thank her for all she's given me.  And, I say goodbye.  This goodbye is not an easy one.  I've left so many people and places over the years, and I don't remember ever having this much emotion in a leave-taking.  This city has been very good to me.

I've been emotionally raw and many tears have been falling.  Much has come up for review on its way out, and my being has struggled to process everything and keep up with all the movement.  But, I know that everything that's showing itself to me as it goes, must go in order to make room for what is to come.  So, I'm grateful for the movement, but I go in and out of the overwhelm that it can cause.

I'm happy with what is before me, and I honor everything that has gone before.  Honor, and sometimes mourn, for there are things I realize as they come up, that I have not mourned, and the mourning must be done, or we are not complete with what has come before.  I am receiving gifts of awareness from that mourning, and growing in ways I wish I could have grown when I was younger.  But, at least the lessons and gifts are settling upon me now; and, better late than never.

So, this period of packing and moving is exciting and bittersweet.  And, it gives me a chance to feel gratitude for many things that have gone before, as well as for all of what is here now.  This gift of reflection is a wonderful thing, part of the letting go that must happen as I move forward.  And, it helps me to move forward with a full heart, ready for what Life has in store for me now.  I'm excited for the next chapter, and I'm embracing the ever-expanding happiness that's growing within me.  And, I am grateful.  Ever grateful.