Notes on the Journey

Sunday, April 28, 2013


I don't like the idea that the ego is something we don't need or should kill.  As long as we're embodied we need an ego, or sense of self.  But, what we can do is to transform or re-purpose the ego, or sense of self, to be cooperative with and supportive to our larger sense of Self, or soul, instead of thinking that it is in charge and running the show.

I feel that we're all in a process of transforming our old 3D egos into the more supportive 5D versions, whether we realize it or not.  But, in this transformational process, there's some confusion and a sense of being unmoored and out of control...which is a good thing.  We feel out of control because we really are not in control in the same way we used to be in 3D.  Being in control and using our will to make things happen is the old paradigm.  The new paradigm is about being in the present moment and staying aware of our experience as it's happening and then responding appropriately.  In order to do that, we must release our need to control our experience or use our will in order to make things happen.

Even my cat is going through this.  I use an animal communicator to talk with my cats.  I understand a lot of what they tell me, but often need help in more specific communication.  During our last animal communication session, which we had because Sophie, the type-A self-appointed Queen of the roost, was acting out by purposely not using her litter box and, instead, leaving me little gifts nearby.  She said she was doing this because she's feeling out of control.  She's used to bullying and controlling my other female, Negri.  But lately, Negri has been getting more friendly with my male, Buddy, in an effort to find peace.  Sophie is set upon maintaining a certain amount of tension in regard to her inability to accept Buddy, and Negri is tiring of that tension.  And, because Negri is no longer allowing Sophie to control her in regard to her attitude toward Buddy, Sophie is more on her own and feeling like the outsider.  The choice to accept Buddy into our family and give up control is one Sophie has not yet been able to make.  And, she might never be able to make that choice.  But, she's suffering for it.

This is the same choice we're all being asked to make.  To accept things as they are, see the truth of them and respond accordingly.  This requires the release of any control or expectation of any particular outcome in regard to whatever it is we happen to be experiencing.  Since this is a big change for most of us from how we've been used to doing things, there's some resistance.  I've found that allowing the resistance to just be there and to have its space gives it a chance to move on through.  I watch it to see what the resistance is about, and I have compassion for the part of me that's struggling, and I've come to realize that all it needs is to be seen.  By seeing and acknowledging the resistance or fear that's making itself known, I honor that aspect of myself that needs reassurance and comfort in order to move forward.

The other thing my cat, Sophie, said that she needed and didn't feel she was getting was to be seen.  To be really seen.  Isn't that what we all want?  We relax when we feel really seen and really heard, and we struggle when we feel we haven't been seen or every aspect of ourselves.  When fear and resistance come up, instead of pushing them away, or thinking we should be feeling something else that we consider to be more acceptable, if we really see and hear that aspect of ourselves and give it comfort and reassurance, it will calm down and the fear and resistance will move through.  We might have to comfort and reassure that aspect of ourselves repeatedly, but sooner or later, the fear and resistance will lose their grip.  It's a back and forth process, but it ultimately brings us into deeper relationship with ourselves and, over time, renders the fear and doubt and resistance powerless to control us any longer.

The other thing I'm noticing is that I have no ambition or need to accomplish anything in the way I used to.  Previously, I was always striving toward some goal, trying to prove something or get somewhere.  But now, all of that seems to have gone away.  I'm not quite sure who I am without it and so I get confused about what I'm doing, but I think that's a transitional feeling.  Once my old sense of self gets further along in this transformation, I'll be able to relax into a life free of striving and efforting.  But, right now, I'm still in the back and forth of it.  I'm still in the in between of what was and what is.

I think the best we can do for ourselves, and those with whom we come into contact, is to be as compassionate and kind as possible.  Everyone is under a lot of stress as we go through this transition, both from the outside and from the inside, and the more patient and accepting we can be with ourselves and others, the more graceful this transition will be.  I think it's giving us a chance to really open up to ourselves and be more loving.  And, the more we're able to accept and love ourselves, the more we'll be able to do that for everyone else.

Deep transitions and transformations are not easy, but we're better for them.  They always require a change in perspective and behavior, which we usually resist, but once we let go we wonder why we didn't do it sooner.  There's a release and a relaxation to deep change that is expansive and liberating.  It's difficult to remember that sometimes when we're in the throes of it, which is when we could really benefit by being kind to ourselves.  But, once we stop struggling against the inevitable and let go into it, our being opens up again and we start to move forward.

So, let's love ourselves through this.  Let's be kind and compassionate with ourselves.  Let's really see ourselves, and accept and allow all aspects of ourselves to be included into the whole, even the ones that are frightened and resistant.  It's an opportunity to love ourselves free from everything that has held us captive or held us back or limited us in anyway.  If we can remember that, we can be grateful for this opportunity for change and transformation.  If we can remember that, we can embrace our experience and surrender into it.  If we can remember that, we can move forward by leaps and bounds. 

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

It's Enough

I've been feeling exhausted for no reason lately.  I've been having trouble sleeping at night and then taking long naps in the day.  The only reason I can indulge these weird sleep patterns is that I don't have to go to work.  I've been accomplishing very little, as you might imagine.

Part of this is due to a lot of personal internal processing I've been doing lately, and part of this is due to the immense amount of light and energy coming into the planet.  We're all being required to process and integrate this light and energy at such a rate that we're getting a bit overwhelmed.  And, I don't see it letting up any time soon.  We're in the midst of a planetary upgrade and transitioning into a new dimension of being.  This is no small feat.  And, we're physically feeling the stress of it.

I used to be such a good sleeper.  I never had trouble going to sleep at night.  My head would hit the pillow and I'd be out.  I could pretty much sleep anywhere at anytime.  And, once asleep, I was a very sound sleeper.  I considered sleeping to be one of my talents.  Part of this, as I look back, was most likely due to the fact that my work left me constantly exhausted and sleep deprived.  When you run on four to five hours of sleep for years of time, your body is desperate for it.  Any time I'd stop, or let down, for even a few minutes, my body would go for sleep.  But now, I'm getting plenty of sleep.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm so exhausted because the Epstein Barr is kicking in, or the Hashimoto's Thyroiditis and subsequent Hypothyroidism.  But then, I talk to other people who are also feeling exhausted for no particular reason, and I realize it's something larger.  I don't like to blame whatever is going on with me to the planetary upgrade and infusion of light that's coming in, but it really does have a huge impact on all of us.  I'm tired of hearing about "ascension symptoms."  But, some of them are real.  And, like it or not, believe in it or not, this planetary transition is definitely affecting all of us.

We've been building up to this planetary transition for a long time.  The energy has been building slowly.  But, we've now come to a point in this buildup where the energy has gained momemtum and is speeding up.  We're literally being pushed through into a new reality and level of being.  And, it's no small accomplishment to go through this whole process while in the body.  It's never been done before on any other world.  And, it's taking a toll.  Some of us will be able to pull it off, and some of us won't.  Upgrading our vibrational level, changing dimensions, and transforming our physical beings from a carbon-based system into a crystalline-based system while in the body is pretty miraculous.  No wonder we're all exhausted.

There's not much we can do about it except to ride it out.  But, what we can do is to be kind to ourselves.  We can stop pushing ourselves as much as we might have in the past.  We can lighten our schedules and demand less of ourselves, knowing that this huge shift we're participating in is taking the lion's share of our energy.  If we keep pushing ourselves the way we were able to in 3D, we'll burn ourselves out.  So, it's a choice.  We can acknowledge what's going on and give ourselves a break, or we can just keep pushing and see what happens.  How much can we take?  Like an experiment.

I'm very grateful that I chose to stop working at the end of last year so that I can ride the energy on a daily basis.  Because I'm not being pulled by the external in the way I was when I was working, I've become much more internal in focus, and much more attuned to the energy.  Some days I have a lot of energy.  I get up early and get lots done.  But, other days I can barely get out of bed, get very little done--feeding the cats is a big accomplishment--and take long naps.  I don't make many long-term plans, because I'm never sure how I'll feel on any given day.  I no longer will myself to do things I don't want to do, I just don't have the energy for it.

Since I stopped working, I've spent long periods of time feeling guilty about what I'm not doing.  I've tried to berate myself into doing various things.  But, I don't have much energy for that anymore either.  The whole idea of doing is highly overrated anyway.  And, I am doing things.  Not to the level I once did while I was working, but doing none the less.  And, this business of staying embodied while transitioning into a new dimension requires doing a lot.  It's just that most of the doing in regard to dimensional change is internal in nature.  So, it looks like we're not doing anything but, in actuality, we're doing more than we consciously understand.

I keep reaching new levels of acceptance of myself and who I am and what my life is.  And, I'm now much more accepting of what each day brings, or doesn't bring.  If I'm tired, I rest.  If I've got energy, I use it.  I don't wake up expecting either.  I've stopped wondering what I'm going to do, and now accept that I'm doing enough.  I've stopped judging myself on yet another level.  One more pressure valve released.  One less expectation to meet.  One more level of relaxation reached.

I have no idea how things will happen as the days go by, but I'm getting more comfortable with not knowing.  Allowing Life to show up as it does takes less energy than having any expectation of how it should show up.  And, the less energy I expend on judgments and expectations, the more energy I have to really be with whatever is happening.  And, considering what we're experiencing here on Earth, and the fact that we're the first humans to be experiencing it, I really want to be with it.  I think that's what it's about for some of us.  To really be with the change.  And, in terms of doing something, that's a lot.

And so, I enjoy my days.  I enjoy how Life shows up on a daily basis.  I cook and I clean and I take care of my cats, and I help to usher in the biggest change most of us will ever experience.  And, it's enough. 

Friday, April 19, 2013

Regaining Sovereignty

As I was going to sleep last night, the voices in my head that are not real started talking.  This pre-sleep time of quiet seems to be fertile ground for them...all the negatives and the thoughts based in fear.  At this juncture in my life, there are many negatives and fear-based thoughts that loop through my consciousness vying for attention.  "You're so lazy."  "You're such a loser."  "You're a failure."  Yada, yada, yada and on and on.  But, there is also the overlighting aspect of me that knows these thoughts are not true when they move through, the aspect of me that wants to acknowledge, and give voice to, the parts of me that are screaming.  It's not possible to stop these negative thoughts with will, or to drown them out with affirmations.  They need to be acknowledged and given their space.  Not given power, but given space.

The aspects of us that scream in the negative are doing so because they need attention, they need to be heard.  There's a reason I think of myself as lazy, or that I think of myself as a loser or a failure.  A cause.  And, until the cause is acknowledged and brought to light, it runs me from where it's deeply buried.  Awareness brings freedom.  And, we gain that freedom baby step at a time as we bring more and more aspects of ourselves into our conscious awareness.  Once we can see the pattern, or negative belief, it loses its power over us.  I've known this as a concept for a long time.  But, as time goes by, and I integrate it more and more deeply, I'm now able to give the shadows their due without shutting down the process.

When the shadow voices started to speak last night, instead of trying to stop them or resist them, I just let them speak.  And, at the same time, I held myself and comforted the part of myself that, for a long time, believed those voices to be true.  And, after a while, the voices faded away and I fell asleep holding myself.  Every time we're able to allow the voices to be there without giving them our power, we step forward into more personal sovereignty.  We take ourselves back and baby step into empowerment.  Each time we can stay conscious as the voices start in on us once again, and give them their space without reacting to them or believing them, we've reclaimed another piece of ourselves.  And, as we reclaim these pieces, Life gives us the opportunity to make our sovereignty real through action.

One example of this back and forth between awareness and action that I've had just came into my consciousness this morning.  I recently wrote about my awareness in regard to past abuses and invasions of my body while reading "Confessions of a Spiritual Thrillseeker" by Oriah Mountain Dreamer.  (RE:  Releasing the Wound)  And, this morning, while reading "What We Ache For," another book by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, I realized a moment of empowerment that, at the time, I didn't recognize.

This unrecognized moment of empowerment was in regard to rape and taking back the sovereignty of my body.  I was in an intimate relationship a while ago that gave me many gifts, and as I realize though my awareness of this morning, those gifts are still showing up.  By gifts, I mean the gifts of awareness around my own limitations and misperceptions that the relationship mirrored to me.  At one point, we'd had a difficult day, gotten into an argument that triggered a lot for both of us, and then reconciled and gone to bed.  I wasn't feeling a desire to be intimate with him, but he wanted--needed--to be intimate with me; to reconnect on a physical level after the conflict we'd had.  But, as the foreplay began, he got too rough and I felt like I wasn't real to him anymore, that I was just an object and that he was lost somewhere in his own demons.  It frightened me, because it triggered me back into the helpless horror of past experiences.  But, the difference this time, was that I gathered my strength and pushed him off of me.  I stopped it.  I said "no."  I took back a piece of myself.  And, it only came to me this morning what an act of strength that was.

Our relationship was never the same after that.  We continued on for a while, but my wariness of him didn't go away.  My realization that he could disappear into himself to the extent that I disappeared as well, and that the only thing present at that point were his demons, gave me pause.  And, I was right to be wary.  I was right to step back.  I was right to later stop the relationship all together.  But, as uncomfortable as this experience was, it gave me a chance to step up and regain a part of myself.  Until Life gives us a chance at this type of experience, we don't know what we'll do.  So, awareness into action.  Although, in this case, it was action into belated awareness.

I didn't realize I'd come far enough along in my own development that I'd be able to say "no," to say "stop" in this circumstance.  And, it took me months to actually realize the power of what I'd done.  And, that awareness only came much later after the previous awareness I'd had around the same issue while reading a book.  But, we never know how these things will come or unfold.  From the point I'd said "no," the deeper awareness that needed to surface had been struggling toward the light.  What finally helps that awareness to push through the surface could be anything, but once loosened, push through it will.

And so, baby step by baby step, I reclaim myself, and aspects of myself return and integrate, and I become more and more whole, more and more sovereign.  And, yet again, I find myself on my knees in gratitude, which is always a good place to be.    

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Releasing the Wound

I'm in the process of reading "Confessions of a Spiritual Thrillseeker" by Oriah Mountain Dreamer.  I just read about her experience of being tested in a self-defense class by being attacked by three different men and having to defend herself.  I cried as I read it and I cry again as I write this.

Many women live with an inherent physical fear of men.  Many of us have been attacked and raped in the past, and the scars of those experiences don't go quietly.  Our tendency is to the typical denial of the pain left by these physical invasions.  "I'm fine."  "I just need to forget and move on."  Yada, yada, yada.  This is what we're told by the world, and this is what we try to tell ourselves.  And, this is where the numbness comes in.  As we numb ourselves to the pain we don't know how to deal with, we also numb ourselves to all our other feelings.  It's not possible to compartmentalize and numb pain, without also numbing everything else as well.

At one part of Oriah's story, she talks about how she realizes she'd rather die than fight her attacker.  She wants to go to sleep instead of fight.  Her collapse is so total, her need to escape so complete, that it brings on unconsciousness.  Her teacher yells at her to bring her back into presence and she manages to rouse herself and fight, but the effort is extreme.  When I read this I realize that this retreat, this desire to escape, is operative in me.  Sleep is my escape.  And, I often wish I could die.  I've never tried to commit suicide, but the death wish is there.

The value of Oriah's learning of self-defense and the experience of being tested, brought all of her past experiences of violence, rape, and attack to the surface and allowed it to move through.  At the end of the testing, she was cleansed and renewed and empowered.  She no longer wanted to sleep, and she was no longer afraid to walk forward in the world.  She was no longer afraid of men, and could finally open to them without the overlay of fear and mistrust.  She knew she could defend herself, and this gave her a new sense of freedom.

I've not taken a self-defense class, but I'm thinking I might.  Recently, a man broke into my home while I was there.  Thankfully, I didn't have to physically defend myself, but when I confronted him, I didn't collapse, I got angry and went after him.  That's a good thing to know about myself.  I stayed awake.  I roused myself.  In the past, I have not been so present or so forceful.  I have collapsed.  And, I realize that in the collapse is not only the escape, but the effort at survival.  If I let them have their way, they will take what they want and leave, and hopefully leave me alive.  Yes, this might be a method for survival, but the wounds it leaves are deep.  And, once disempowered at this level, it's not an easy road to recovery.

I have a lot to recover from.  I don't look forward to opening it up and allowing it to move through.  But, I know that's what must be done in order to regain my freedom and to empower myself again.  I must look at the things I've been running from in order to wake up.  I must release those emotions in order to really feel again.  The healing is in the awareness and the release.  I must walk into it and not away from it.  It's time to dance with those demons.

Two different friends recently emailed me a poem by Maya Angelou called "Still I Rise."  I posted a link to a video of Maya herself speaking it on my Facebook page because I love it so much  And, I will include it here in written form.  This is what we do, over and over, we rise.  There are many kinds of slavery...but, the important thing is that we find freedom, and we rise.  This poem speaks to the slave in all of us.

Still I Rise

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.