Notes on the Journey

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Enjoy the Moment

I walked outside to put the trash out for pickup tonight and noticed that my neighbors across the street had hung orange Halloween lights on their porch.  I got so much pleasure from seeing those beautiful orange lights twinkling in the darkness.  It was such a happy image, and gave me such a warm feeling.

I've been gone from home for so many holidays over so many years because of being on location somewhere, and it gives me so much joy to be at home this year for them...Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I've not put up decorations for any holiday for so long, because even if I was at home, it all seemed too brief.  And, not that I'm going to go all out with decorations this year, but I did put some pumpkins out front for Halloween.

Pumpkins are one of my favorite things.  I love their plumpness and their rich orange color.  I love the way they taste and will eat anything with pumpkin in it.  Pumpkin soup, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin bread, pumpkin pie, pumpkin name it...if it's got pumpkin in it, I'm going to love it.  There's something so earthy and rich and naturally sweet about the flavor of pumpkin.  It's the perfect food for fall, and the harbinger of the holidays to come.  Pumpkins make me happy.  If I see pumpkins, I just naturally break into a smile.

This is the longest period of time I've been at home without the uncertainty of when I would leave again hanging over me in over thirty years.  I've loved my Gypsy life and all the places around the world where I've been blessed to be able to spend time, but now I'm really loving being at home.  I'm interacting with my neighbors and starting to feel part of a community.  I'm making friends who I'm able to see on a regular basis instead of once a year or once very few months.  I'm not complaining about how my life has been up to now, it was my choice and I loved it; but, because of it, I think I'm even more able to enjoy the pleasures of what I'm experiencing now.

I'm an adopted child, and I think for many adopted children, we often feel a bit apart.  We are more apt to be concerned about wanting to feel a part of something and about trying to fit in and be accepted.  One of the things I loved about the film industry was that the crew on every film felt like a family.  For the length of the film, I was part of something.  But, it always came to an end and my family broke apart and was scattered to the wind.  Being at home now, I'm starting to form relationships that are more steady and consistent.  I'm here to participate and nurture them.  And, it feels good.

Things come and things go and things change more often than they stay the same.  But, that makes me want to really appreciate and enjoy what I have in this moment while I have it.  Everything about my life has taught me to enjoy the moment because we never know how long it will last or what will come next.  And, I'm learning that lesson on deeper levels at this point.  I'm soaking up the richness of each and every moment.  I'm noticing every nuance of my life and my environment.  And, as much as time seems to be speeding up, I pop in and out of it and have these periods of suspended time, where everything seems to slow down and I'm able to hear every sound and notice every detail of my surroundings.  And, these suspensions of time allow me to connect with and fall in love with everything; to move into deeper and deeper levels of gratitude.

I let myself savor this time, because I know change is coming; and, when it does, I'll be glad that I took the time to enjoy the now.  And, by enjoying what's in front of me right now, I'll be more able to embrace whatever the change is when it comes.  And so, I drink it all in...the tree with the golden leaves out my window; the crispness in the air; the clear blue of the sky; the pumpkins; and, the orange lights across the street.     

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

The Quiet

I haven't had much to say lately.  It's been very quiet.  I've felt very internal.  Things have happened, but nothing has moved me to write about it.  Every day I think, "I could write about that," or, "Oh, I could write about that," but then it feels like I'm just reaching for something rather than it coming up from within me and letting me know it wants to be written about.  And, so, the days go by.

I seem to have reached a new level of quiet.  I'm more relaxed and feel more connected to everything around me.  I push myself less in general.  The old pattern of "doing" is in the process of transforming into one of "being."  Instead of willing myself forward to live life, Life seems to be living me.  The more I relax, the more in touch with myself I get, and the more in touch with nature I get, and the more into the flow of Life I get.

I'm realizing that I have time.  I have unlimited amounts of time.  And, really, there is no time.  Maybe it's more that as the construct of time fades away, I see the unlimited vastness that exists outside of it.  So, the need to rush or push myself or will myself to do anything just isn't there.  I have this deeper knowing that everything will happen as it needs to; that trying to push things is useless, because it's outside the flow.  As I sink into the deeper rhythms of Life and align myself with this organic, authentic movement, there's no desire to try to control it or impose any kind of artificial efforting onto it.

I'm finding a deeper place of trust in All That Is as I relax more.  Relaxation is highly underrated.  My body is calm and my adrenals are getting a much needed rest.  Instead of feeling like a piccolo, I'm feeling like a stand-up bass.  I'm more in my body instead of hovering around my head.  And, my body likes it when I'm "in."  I'm realizing that when I'm grounded into my body, I actually feel more safe than when I'm not.  Historically, it felt the opposite.  Grounding into my body used to terrify me.  But, no more.

I'm having trouble eating, which for me is unheard of.  But, I'm often hungry without having a clue what to eat.  Nothing sounds good to me.  All the foods I would normally go to no longer draw me.  I've tried some new things without success.  Often, I'll prepare something, take a couple of bites and then not be able to continue eating.  And, I feel this phenomenon might get worse before it gets better.  I feel that it has something to do with our bodies changing from a carbon-based system into a crystalline-based system, and that until things go through more transformation and start to stabilize, deciding what to eat could continue to be a conundrum.  I actually think that a number of foods will fall by the wayside and new ones will reveal themselves to take their place.  As our frequency changes, so will our food.  We'll be drawn to different things, and different things will present themselves.

I've been aware of our planetary transition from third dimension into fifth dimension for a very long time.  And, there have been "ascension symptoms" for many years as we all go through this process.  But, for me, things seem to be more pronounced lately.  I have a greater sense of "movement" on a number of levels.  And, as much as time seems to have been speeding up over the years, it now seems to be picking up even more as we prepare to "punch through" it all together.  Energetically, it feels like we're ramping up to something.  What exactly, I'm not sure.  I have this knowing that we're raising our frequency into the fifth dimension, but what that looks and feels like is still being revealed.  And, so, the adventure continues.

Over the years, no matter what's been going on planetarily or how I've felt, I got up and went to work.  And, I worked long hours that took great concentration and focus.  But, now, I'm endlessly grateful not to have to do that.  I'm grateful to be able to pay attention to the earth, to my body, and to the way I feel on a daily basis; on a moment by moment basis.  It's like I'm getting to know myself all over again.  And, I'm really enjoying the process.

I've never been a meditator, I didn't understand the point or the practice.  I could see the value in being quiet, but I was too caught up with doing to ever really be able to let go.  And, a number of people I'd heard talk about meditation talked about other-worldly or sensate experiences they'd had while meditating that I couldn't relate to.  I never enjoyed guided meditations either.  But, now, when I sit in the quiet, I go inside myself.  The revelation that the journey is about going deeper into myself has changed everything.  I go into my core.  I spend time inside with myself.  I don't remember anyone ever describing meditation to me in the way I'm experiencing it.  Or, if they did, then I just wasn't ready to hear it or integrate it.

So, like I said, things are quiet.  Quiet on the outside.  But, lots has been happening on the inside.  I feel like I'm in the midst of a process that will only deepen and continue, and I'm sure as I integrate the changes that are happening within me, I'll be able to write about them.  But, for now, I feel quite accomplished to have written this much.  I would encourage everyone to relax as much as possible; to sink into your very being.  Be kind to yourself.  Don't push yourself to do too much.  And, eat whatever sounds good in the moment.  We're all going through a life-changing experience, consciously or unconsciously, and the more we can let go and relax into it, the smoother it will be.  So, as much as possible, sit back and enjoy the ride of our lives!  

Monday, October 15, 2012

Constant Craving

When is it enough?  When have you had enough?  When are you satiated?  When do you stop...eating, drinking, smoking, using?  Fill in your own issue.  For those of us who tend to overdo it, those are important questions.  For those of us with addictive tendencies, or with full-blown addictions, these are pivotal questions.  What is it that can't be filled?  What is that place that's so empty nothing can fill it?  Or, what is it that we so don't want to see or acknowledge within ourselves?  The thing we run from and think that a huge intake of--fill in the blank--will cover, or subdue, or silence.

The horrible thing is though, that even if one has intellectual awareness about whatever the issue is that's demanding and demanding and demanding, it doesn't stop the demanding.  It doesn't stop the desire, the craving, the overpowering need.  And, when you know, and the need still overpowers you, you feel even worse.  Ignorance is bliss.  Once you know, there's only shame and guilt.  And, even if one is able to will themselves past the craving, the question of "enough" is never answered.  We could also ask, when is it enough shame...or, guilt?  What is that switch that gets flipped in some people that says "enough"?  And, if you don't have one, can you get one?

I think it's some kind of DNA lapse.  For those of us who don't have an "off" switch, maybe we just don't have a particular gene that other people have.  Why?  What kind of mutation is that?...not to have the "enough" barometer.

For me, the drug is food.  Carbohydrates and sweets mostly, although I can pretty much overdose on just about anything.  Sometimes I think denial is a good tactic, but that usually results in a binge on the other side.  Sometimes I think indulgence is a good tactic...just get it out of my system.  But, because the "enough" switch is broken, I've been known to indulge until I've made myself sick.  This might deter me for a short time from whatever it was I happened to be indulging in at the time, but even sickness doesn't drive home the idea of "enough."  I'll do it again.  Over and over.  Which is kind of the definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.  So, for me, my lack of an ability to determine when enough is enough is my own little slice of insanity.

Why should I have just one piece of pie when I can eat the whole thing?  Why stop at a couple of scoops of ice cream when I can eat a whole pint...or, more?  Once I get started, it's hard to stop.  Bet you can't have just one!  Well, with me, you'll win that bet every time.  I know it about myself, but it doesn't help.  I'll know I'm overdoing it, but keep going anyway.  Self-destructive insanity.

I'm really sane in other ways.  I'm smart and talented and perceptive.  I have wonderful friends and my life seems to work pretty least, most of the time.  But then, there's this insane side of me that goes too far.

I've studied Energetic Healing modalities for many years, taken numerous classes, and learned many techniques.  I've had endless healing sessions with a wide variety of practitioners.  I've had deep awarenesses and huge internal leaps and shifts.  And, what I've come to with all of it is that it comes down to love and acceptance.  We have to accept something within ourselves...that it's there...that it's operating...that it's unlikely to change or go away.  The unlikely to change or go away part is disappointing, believe me, I know; but, it's mostly true.  The thing is though, that we can transform things through love.  We can love them free.  Once we see something, and then accept it, that part of the process opens us up to receiving the value behind it...whatever the "it" is.  Once we've received the value from it, we move into a place of gratitude, compassion and understanding, and from there love is a short step.  And, in that place of love, everything softens and opens up and loses its grip on us.

I might always want to eat more than I should.  And, I might always want to eat things that don't contribute much to being healthy.  But, once I'm able to bring the love fully to my empty place, I think the bottomless need will lose its power.  So, my tactic at this point is, when the need starts to rear its head, instead of going for the external self-medicating food item, I breathe love through my body.  I plug into that unlimited Source that's always there, and let that communion fill me instead of my usual go-tos.  I'm forming a new habit.  I'm listening to my internal cries and giving them the real food.  I'm soothing the hungry beast with the only thing that has the ability to satiate

It's my current experiment.  I'm in process with it.  I might win sometimes and I might lose sometimes, but I think I'm moving in a good direction overall.  I'm calling it the Love Diet.  And, I'm hoping I can love myself enough to set myself free from the bonds of my captor.  But, no matter what happens, I'll have upped my love quotient, which is the most important thing anyway.  If we can all up our love quotient, everything will be better.  So, my solution, to just about anything, is to give myself a love bath; to permeate myself with love; to stop, connect, and let the love flow.  Can you overdo it with love?  I don't think so.  This just may be where my lack of an "off" switch comes in handy.    

Friday, October 12, 2012


I saw "Argo" tonight.  What a great movie!  And, so timely, considering everything that's going on in the Middle East and the issues of security for our embassies.

It's based on the true story of how a CIA operative named Tony Mendez came up with and executed a plan to rescue six escaped American embassy workers who were hiding in the Canadian Embassy in Tehran after the takeover of the American Embassy during the hostage crisis of 1979.

The plan was that Tony would fly in to Tehran as a movie producer meeting up with six of his crew members for a location scout and they would all fly out together.  As they say in the movie, it was the "best bad idea" they could come up with to extricate six stranded Americans who, if left there, would most probably be killed.

This was the first time that such a plan was put into action, but it was an extraordinary circumstance that required special creativity to find a solution.  It took vision and daring and balls of steel.  Tony Mendez was a family man with a young son, and he risked his life to save six stranded Americans.  The files on this operation were kept classified until 1997.

The amazing thing is that this rescue almost didn't happen.  If Tony Mendez hadn't been the person he was, those six people would probably have never made it home.  One person.  One person who made all the difference.  One person who was willing to put it all on the line.  One person who was willing to take responsibility.  One person who didn't back down.

Where someone gets the core strength, courage and commitment of a Tony Mendez is a mystery.  And, not all of us are called upon to put our lives on the line in the way that Tony Mendez was in order to find out.  We would all hope that we would be strong and brave and committed if tested, but that hope might crumble in the face of real adversity.  I've internally collapsed if someone gets angry with me or raises their voice in conversation.  I've historically run from confrontation, unable to deal with it.  I'm better with these issues at this point in my life, but I still wonder, in the same situation Tony Mendez took on, would I have succeeded.

"Argo" is inspiring.  Tony Mendez is inspiring.  The movie and the man both make me want to be better, stronger, braver.  And, of course the CIA makes mistakes, but they also have many successes we never hear about.  There are men and women risking their lives for all of us on a daily basis who we will never know and who will always remain invisible.  But, they are there.  And, I'm grateful.

So, if you're wondering which movie to go see, make it "Argo."  You won't be sorry.

Friday, October 5, 2012

Questions of Origin

I've been asking a lot of questions and doing a lot of research lately about the nature of things and our origins.  The origins of the human race.  Who are we really and where do we come from?  Who and/or what is "God"?  Who was Jesus referring to when he said, " The Father"?  What are angels?

I've always accepted a lot of spiritual information on faith.  If it felt true in my bones, that was enough for me.  We didn't have all the answers and that was okay...until now.  Lately, my curiosity has been going deeper and demanding more.  Mysterious, unspecific and speculative answers, or no answers at all, were not satisfying the hunger of my soul any longer.

As it turns out, there are libraries of historical information that address these deeper questions.  The Egyptian and Sumerian histories, which are not just conjecture, but are very detailed written histories, contain surprising and revelatory narratives of our oldest beginnings.  The history of the Dogon people in Mali, Africa is very old and very specific, as are the histories of native peoples around the planet.  Greek, and Hindu and Indian histories are full of information.  Chinese history is extensive and goes back many thousands of years.  But, because these histories are written or told in languages that are not always easily understood, and require not only translation but interpretation, they've remained somewhat hidden due to mistranslations and limited and confused interpretations.

Many of us tend to translate and interpret things through the limits of our own understanding, or just give up and leave it to mystery.  But, there are those who've approached this information with a broader sensibility and finely-honed linguistic skills.  And, the conclusions they've drawn and substantiated with hard physical evidence, point to our origins as extra-terrestrial.  This didn't surprise me, but what did surprise me was that it is so extensively and definitively documented.  The "Gods" and "angels" it seems are extra-terrestrial beings of abilities and intelligence that exceeds ours.  In our limited understanding of what we were dealing with, and in an attempt to explain these interactions and phenomena, we've used terms that were familiar to try to explain the unfamiliar.

"Fiery chariots," "burning bushes," "winged horses" were all attempts to make sense of things that we had no way of understanding or explaining in the language that was available.  Even today, people are still arguing about whether extra-terrestrials have ever visited our planet, even though the evidence for it is extensive and pervasive.  The answer to the question of whether we've been visited by extra-terrestrials does not seem to be just "yes" but "yes, continuously."  And, in actuality, WE are extra-terrestrials.  We're a seeded humanity with DNA constructed of and by extra-terrestrials.  And, we've been consistently evolved by contact with and mating with extra-terrestrial beings.

Our ancient societies have been given tools, technology and knowledge that is inexplicable and mysterious unless extra-terrestrial contact is considered.  And, this contact continues today.  What do you think channeling is?  At this point in our development as a species, we've raised our vibratory and intelligence levels to the point where it's become easier for our extra-terrestrial brothers and sisters to contact us mind-to-mind and to implant ideas and information into our consciousness without the need to appear to us physically.  Not that there aren't visitations, there are.  But, often, physical visitation isn't necessary.  There have always been prophets throughout history and in all societies, but it would seem that there are more of us now who are open to contact than there have ever been.  Or, maybe there aren't more prophets and contactees, there's just better communication and we're more aware of it.  We're also not as afraid of being burned at the stake for admitting our prophecy and contact as our predecessors were.

So, knowing that we are all extra-terrestrial in origin, that we all have hybrid DNA, that the "Gods/gods" are extra-terrestrial beings, and that off-planet contact is does faith fit into all of this?  What about trust in God?  What about prayer?  What about "God's will"?  What about a "Divine Plan"?  What about "Divine intervention" and the power of "grace"?  Well, it might be time for some reframing of these terms and concepts.  It might be time to consider things in a broader context.  It might be time to "free our minds" of the limitations and concepts we've been living within and to realize that Life is different than we might have thought, and that humans are much more capable and empowered than we've thought.

We've been operating as children under a mommy/daddy god who looks after us, makes decisions for us, implements a divine plan for our lives, loves us and answers our prayers.  This type of thinking abdicates responsibility for ourselves.  By this type of thinking, we put our power in the hands of the "gods" and trundle along, hoping that things will turn out well.  "God willing" is a term that many people use.  But, what if the time for this type of irresponsibility is over?  What if it's time for each and every one of us to take full responsibility for ourselves and accept that we are gods as well?

I think faith is ultimately our faith in ourselves and in the laws of the universe.  I think that real power comes from understanding and consciously utilizing universal laws to benefit ourselves and all life everywhere.  I think trusting in "God" is really trusting in Life, in cosmic law, and in our own inherent power and ability.  I think prayer is a way of putting thought and intention into the context of Life in a concentrated way, and that we're really talking to ourselves when we pray, talking to the larger part of ourselves.  I think there always have been, and still are, extra-terrestrial intelligences that are advanced to us who intervene and evolve our species, but that no matter what their plan might be, the real divine plan is the one we hold for ourselves.  I think that "still small voice" within is our own higher voice, the voice that's connected into Life in a larger context, that's connected into the force that lives and animates us...whatever that is and whatever it's called.

There is a Life, a force, an energy that lives and connects us all, and in which we all have our being.  We are in constant contact with this Life, because it's what lives us, it is us.  And, no matter our origins, Life is Life.  We're free to believe what we will and live lives that are as expansive as we can imagine.  We can open ourselves to big ideas and concepts, or we can keep ourselves small and contained.  We have free will.  It's up to us.  Energy goes where we put our focus.  Relaxing into the flow of Life and staying in conscious connection with the all of Life informs us and helps us to live our lives in more valuable and beneficial ways.  Knowing more does not erode my faith, but only strengthens it.  We're part of an extensive cosmic family.  We're not alone on our tiny planet.  We're members of a much larger society.  And, we're on the verge of coming into conscious contact with that larger society in a much broader way than we've been experiencing up until now.  We're on the verge of being able to consciously participate and contribute to this larger experience of life that being a galactic citizen will allow us.

We're on the verge of meeting and getting to know our true ancestors.  Our planet and our consciousness have evolved to the point where we're going to be able to join a galactic community.  It means bigger challenges and more responsibility, but we're ready for it.  We're ready to graduate into a larger experience of Life, a larger playground.  Knowing and understanding our origins and nature, and taking it out of the realm of mystery, doesn't limit us in any way, but only expands and empowers us and helps to prepare us for our next phase of experience.  These are exciting times.  We're going to experience things that were previously inconceivable.  We're going to be stretched and pushed beyond what we thought was possible.  We're going to realize that Life is so much more expansive than we've been able to imagine.  More is going to be required of us, but we're capable of rising to the occasion.

Everything that's gone before has brought us to this moment in our evolution where we're about to step off a precipice into a much larger and, as yet, unknown way of being.  Historically, we've often reacted to change and expansion with fear and defensiveness, but I'm hoping this time we've grown enough to embrace the gifts that are coming.  I'm hoping we're ready to take our place along side our galactic brothers and sisters and to step into our next phase of being as conscious galactic citizens.  What do you think?  Are you ready to step forward and embrace this next opportunity for growth?  Are you ready to be more than you ever thought you could be?  I think we're all going to have the chance to find out...really soon.