Notes on the Journey

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Receptivity and the New Field

In my last post, I titled it "Enjoy Every Minute," but better would have been "Receive Every Minute."  Humanly, it's difficult to enjoy every minute.  Some minutes are excruciating and painful; but, it is possible to receive every minute.

What we've done is to go into resistance when something is unpleasant, uncomfortable, painful, sad or otherwise unwanted.  If we were able to receive every minute, it would mean that we were able to be with whatever was happening in the truth of it, not in resistance to it.  Once we go into resistance, we shut down the truth of the experience.  We stop receiving whatever the experience is and don't allow it to move through our being.  This is how we get stuck, or loop on what we consider to be a negative experience.  Resistance has been an effective survival technique, but we're at a point where receptivity actually serves us better than resistance.

My cat, Buddy, got sick and I took him to the vet the end of last week.  At first, the vet broke my heart by telling me that she thought Buddy was in kidney failure.  I cried for a very long time, during which the vet was running tests to see what was really going on with Buddy.  And, during that time, I totally went into the energy of grieving, thinking that I might lose him.  And, by going through that, I opened my heart even more to him--which I didn't know was even possible, considering how much already I love him--and love just flooded my being.  I surrendered into the grief, I surrendered into the sadness of his loss and let all those emotions move through me.  And then, the vet called to tell me that, happily, Buddy's kidneys were just fine, and that he had some type of unknown infection that they were giving him antibiotics for and that he had a hyperthyroid condition, for which I will have to give him continuing medication every day for the rest of his life.  But, he was fine in general.  Thank goodness!

Buddy has recovered and is eating and will hopefully gain back the four pounds of weight he's lost over the last year.  He's now wandering around the house talking and yelling at me like he always does.  And, the love I opened into during my period of grief is still present.  Buddy is now even more beloved that he was before.  I'm more present to him and more grateful for him than I was before.

Yesterday, I went to an event for 12/21/12.  During this event, people were speaking about what they thought the new field would bring, and what they wanted to affirm or manifest for themselves in the new field.  Many people were saying that we should, or they hoped we would, choose love instead of fear.  And, even though that's a nice idea, the words struck me as incongruent to the new field.  The new field, Ama Ra, is unity.  In the new field, duality is not the way things are set up.  There is no either/or, there is all.  And, in the very concept that we should choose love, it sets up the duality that there is something other than love that could be chosen.  When love is all there is, there is no other choice to be made, even when it looks like another choice has been made or could be made.

The other word that bothered me, in the context of choosing love, is the word love itself.  We've used the word love in the human context of how we feel toward another human being or animal or thing.  We understand it as an emotion, but not as a state of being.  Yes, love is all there is, but what is love really?  How do we define love?  Isn't love total acceptance of another, total receptivity of another, total support of well as the same things for ourselves?  That is the way the new field is in regard to us.  We are part and parcel in and of the new field.  We are totally accepted, received and supported by the new field.  It holds and is all that is, and we are in unity with that.  I AM that I AM.  And, that is love.  But, it's a kind of love that our word for love can't come close to expressing.  We need a new word for this all inclusive field and experience.

The new field receives every moment in the truth of what it is, no matter what it is.  There is no judgment, or veil of perspective through which things are filtered; there is open, all inclusive acceptance and receptivity.  The field responds to the truth of the moment, not to some expectation or judgment of what that moment should be.  When we are able to receive every moment without resistance, we're in resonance with the new field.  We might have a response to whatever the moment is presenting, but if we're able to be with it in the truth of what it is, we won't go into reaction.  Going into reaction is the same as going into resistance.  We react to things that are other than what we want them to be.  We respond to things when we're able to see them in the truth of what they are.

The new field operates through resonance.  We vibrate and resonate with what we are and what we are creating in the world.  And, it is through this resonance that we connect with and operate in the new field.  We need to learn to do things a bit differently than we've done them in the past.  While we were in 3D, and struggling through the density that that implies, we needed a certain amount of drive and will to get things done.  There was a lot to work through.  But, now that we're in 5D, it's about relaxing and connecting into the field and resonating with what we're bringing into being.  It's not about an ego-based will, it's about holding the resonance of what we're creating, vibrating with it, and aligning that vibration with the field.  At that point, we're linked in intention into the field and it can then bring forth what we've energetically implanted.  It's a much more feminine way of doing things.

We connect, implant the vibration into the field, resonate with it, and allow it into being.  There will be actions to be taken, and the field will give those to us, so our part is to listen and to act as we are guided.  In this way, it's like having a conversation with the field.  We implant our creations and then listen as we're told what to do.  In the beginning, as we all get used to working with the new field, it might take a little more focus and intent than it will once we've become accustomed to the process.  But, as we get familiar with it, it will become the norm of how we operate.  It will mean much less effort and more grace.  It also requires clarity and a focus of intention and vibration.  But, we will learn to be better at these things as we go.

And, in order to be in the most receptivity with the field, we need to be able to move through life in a state of receiving every moment without resistance.  See the truth, respond to the truth.  The truth might not be what we want to happen, or to see or experience, but if we're able to receive it none the less, our response to it will be effective and appropriate.  Life contains all level of experience, and when we're able to accept that that means things will happen that are out of our range of preferences, and stop judging our experiences against some expectation of how we think things should be happening, we're more able to see the truth of what is happening and then respond to it, instead of go into reaction to it.

We might not be able to enjoy every moment, but we can certainly receive every moment and be present with whatever is happening.  We can learn to allow the truth of what's happening to move through us without resistance.  We can open up and release everything that's gone before that's gotten stuck because of our resistance.  We can relax into the new field and let it support us.  There are so many more possibilities available to us now.  Life is a new game with new ways of being.  Open and receive the gift that it is.  Receive every moment.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Enjoy Every Minute

I'm sitting in my new apartment in my office, looking out my window that faces west.  It's sunrise and I'm struck by the beauty that lies before me.  We've had our first real snow, so there's a blanket of white over the landscape and I can see a little brown bunny hopping around amid the sparse scrub that dots the white.  Off to the far mountains there's an amazing color of turquoise along the horizon, and above it pink-tinged clouds that reach up to the gray overcast that is most of the sky.  There is a patch of clearing though, so who knows how much more snow we'll get today.

It's been a little over a month since my house was broken into, and in that month I've sold my house--it sold in two days for full list price!--found a lovely apartment at the base of the mountain--I found it the day the offer came in--and moved.  I finally got all of my things into the apartment three days ago; not put away mind you, just all in one place.  It feels great.

I've sold, given away and donated about half of my belongings.  The people who've taken and/or received them are very happy with their new things, and I'm very happy to have less things.  As I go through what's left, I'm still realizing that much of it has to go.  I had put a number of things on my porch/balcony--I'm on the second floor--which are now covered with snow; and, I'm realizing that I must give most of what's out there away before it gets ruined by the weather.

This is what I wanted.  I'm on the edge of the city at the base of the mountain.  I have a view and a sense of expansion.  There's a pool and a hot tub on the property, although I doubt I'll use them until the summer.  The kitties are getting used to their new space, and because they all came in together, and none of them had a chance to stake out their territory ahead of the others, they're getting along better and utilizing the whole apartment.  The old patterns of contention remain, but they're doing much better.

I've barely had a second to think for the past month, but I'm finally starting to relax.  Escrow closes on my house in three days.  It's been blessedly fast.  The only thing I have to go back to the house for is the cleaning people who are coming the day before the closing.  Other than that, I'm completely out.  I went to a Christmas concert last night and then out to dinner with a friend, and on the way home, I stopped at the house to turn off the watering system for the yard.  The house is still my responsibility for a few more days, and I don't want anything untoward to happen while she's under my watch.

I've talked to my house and prayed with her.  I've explained why I'm leaving and she understands.  We've let each other go easily and with much love.  She was a great house for me while I lived in her.  And, I feel good about the new owner, who I think will love and appreciate her as well.  But, as much as I loved her and the fact that she was mine, I'm now happy to be a renter again, and willingly shed the burdens and responsibilities of home ownership.  I feel renewed and free, lighter and more mobile.

I've also been feeling raw and edgy, emotional and cranky.  The stress of the move is a factor, but there's so much light pouring into the planet right now, and we're all struggling to integrate it fast enough not to be overwhelmed by it.  It's affecting every level of our beings as we are lifted up into a new dimension of life.  Our bodies are doing their best to transform from a carbon-based system into a crystalline-based system, but it's a bit of a struggle.  Previously, when a population has been transformed physically, the inhabitants transitioned out of their bodies and then took incarnations into new body forms that worked with the upgrade of vibration for their planet.  But, we are a huge science experiment and are transitioning our bodies while we're still inhabiting them.  It's a first, and we're the pioneers who signed up to go through this process to see if it's possible.  So far, so good.  But, since it's the first time it's been attempted, none of us have any idea how long the process will take or what it will be in actuality.  We're just living it moment by moment and finding out as we go.

We have so much change ahead of us, and it's going to happen rapidly.  Humans don't like change for the most part.  Humans like to hold on to what we've got and settle in.  But, that pattern is going to be challenged and stretched to the limit.  Life is going to reshape us and demand new things of us, we're going to be forced to grow and move way out of our comfort zones.  It's a gift, but not everyone is going to be happy about it.  We often resist the gifts of Life as they come, realizing only later how beneficial they were.  In the crumbling system of duality, we've often judged our gifts to be negative events, when actually they were the very things that pushed us forward and grew us into better beings.  But, as we go forward into the new field and allow the judgments of the past to drop away, hopefully we can open to the opportunity that we're being given and receive it without resistance.  One of my prayers is to be able to drop all resistance to Life, however it shows up.

I keep reminding myself of the tremendous journey we're all on together, and that I wanted to be here for this planetary transition and to be part of this great human experiment of transformation.  It helps to remember when the pressure of the Light coming in gets a bit intense.  We need to build in time-outs for ourselves and remember to breathe.  When we're feeling particularly edgy and raw, if we can step back and remember the larger picture of what's happening, and breathe Life through, we'll be able to expand and integrate more easily.  And, if we're cranky, so are most other people.  So, if someone snaps at you, try not to snap back.  They probably don't even know why they snapped at you and are feeling bad about it, so a kind response will go a long way.

I'm off to make the first cup of coffee in my new apartment.  I finally found the coffee maker this morning.  And, joy of joys, I'd had the wherewithal to pack the filters and the coffee with it!  Hallelujah!  Be kind to yourselves and enjoy every minute, whatever it brings.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Moving Forward

I'm emotional today.  Spirit is moving through me very strongly.  Some days I'm more focused on 3D things in the world, but today is an internal day, a 5D day.  The normal boundaries of things are a little fuzzy and a larger landscape overlays it all.  My heart is open and I'm overcome with gratitude.  Gratitude for things in particular, but not just that, it's more gratitude in general.

I'm moving.  I'm selling my house.  And, as I think about leaving my house, it makes me cry, but not in a bad way, in a grateful way.  I love this house.  It has nurtured me and given me sanctuary for the last three years.  When I walked into it the first time, I felt at home.  I knew it was my house.  It was empty and a mess of disorder and construction and things were torn apart, but none of that mattered, it was my house.

This house has loved me.  It opened itself to me and I received its gift.  It's held me and protected me and sheltered me.  It's surrounded me with its beauty, for it truly is a beautiful house.  I can't just live anywhere, I need a certain esthetic, and this house filled that esthetic perfectly.  It was everything I needed and wanted, and how many things can we say that about?

I nurtured it and improved it greatly while I lived here.  We lifted each other up.  The people who lived in it before me were abusive to it and a nuisance to the neighborhood.  I still hear stories about them when I talk to my neighbors.  But, when I moved into this house, it relaxed and felt soothed.  We were quiet together.  We created sacred space together.  We honored each other.

There is a Deva for every house and building, and other Devas in the yard.  I had a good relationship with the Devas of this house.  We respected each other.  They knew I loved the house and the land and would take care of them, and they welcomed me as part of the space.  I had plans for the house that I never had the opportunity to bring into being, but maybe the next owner will do them.  I hope they love the house as much as I have.

I had a break-in a week seems longer ago than that now...which was also a breakthrough.  I'm not moving because of that.  I was feeling a move coming before that, although I was languishing and not doing anything about it.  But, once the break-in happened, it gave me the push into motion I needed and the house will be on the market next week.  My friend recommended me to a wonderful realtor, who I feel very good about; and, things are moving forward in the way things do when it's their time.  I don't know how long it will take for the house to sell, but I feel the buyers are close.  It's already theirs and no longer mine.

I will be letting go of a lot of stuff in order to downsize and move into a smaller living space.  But, it feels good to be getting rid of a lot of the burden of stuff I've accumulated.  I love the deep cleansing and purging that a move requires.  Each thing must be noticed and considered.  Do I keep it?  Or, do I let it go?  Do I resonate with it?  Is it still mine?  Or, not.  Do I need it?  Or, is it just drag?  It's amazing how we collect things as we go and then forget we have them or lose our ability to let them go.  I've got things that haven't been touched the whole time I've lived here.  I've got closets full of stuff that's totally unnecessary.  I look at things and think, "Oh, I might need that."  But, I haven't needed it in three years.  Do I really need it?  I don't think so.  I look at other things and think, "Oh, that's so pretty."  But, I have plenty of pretty things.  I don't need drawers and closets full of them.

I confront the thought that says, "You might not be able to afford to buy that thing again."  But, that's just a thought based in fear and lack.  What I know is true, is that I'll always have what I need.  I always have and I always will.  Whatever I let go of now, if I need it again in the future, I'll be able to get it again.  I look at certain things and think, "I got such a good deal on that.  If I need it again, will I get such a good deal?"  But, that doesn't matter.  Getting a good deal on something is not a reason to keep it.  And, if I need it again, I might even get a better deal than I got the first time.  We can't know these things, and it doesn't matter.  We let things go and know they'll come again if we need them.  In the meantime, someone else needs these things and can put them to good use.  If we hold things out of the flow, we limit our own flow.

And so, I look around and mentally sift through what I think I'll keep and what needs to go.  Since the house hasn't sold yet, I haven't seriously looked for my next home, so I'm not sure what I'll need there.  But, I'm composing a list of the things I continue to resonate with, and another list of the things that are asking for their freedom.  Non-attachment.  I'm still working on that one.

A photographer is coming on Sunday to take photos of my house for the website my realtor is creating for it.  I'm cleaning and arranging and preparing.  I'm doing things that I've been thinking of doing for a long time, but for some reason of complacency have not gotten around to.  I'm sanding and patching and touching up with paint a few spots that are calling for it.  Why didn't I do these things for myself?  Why was it good enough for me, but it's not good enough for whoever will buy the house?  I want to hide her flaws, cover her old wounds so the new buyers won't see what she's been through.  Make her look her best.  Spruce her up to show her off.  Look at how beautiful and perfect she is!  See how she draws you in and puts her arms around you!

She will choose her new owners.  She will feel into and sift through those who come to see her.  She will make her choice and open her arms to the new ones who will live in her and love her.  And, they will feel her reach out to them.  They will hear her and respond.  They will feel drawn and compelled for reasons they might not understand, but they will know she's theirs.  Maybe they will stay longer than I have.  I feel a bit like a fickle lover, moving on so soon.  But, I'm more of a renter than an owner.  I like the freedom of renting over the commitment and responsibility of owning a house.  I never know when my gypsy blood will stir and I'll be off to some new place.

Right now I'm craving more proximity to the mountains.  I want to be on the outskirts of town rather than in the center of it.  I want smaller and more intimate and manageable, rather than larger and more expansive.  I can feel myself going into an internal mode because of what it's going to take to write the script that's been gestating in me for so long.  And, I need a different space in order to bring it into being.  There's a space opening for me right now, that will call me to it at the perfect moment.  It will sing to me and I will hear it and find it among the many.  And, it will be my nest while I birth the script that is ready to be born.

It's taken me twelve years of working with the books I have the rights to; twelve years of initiations; twelve years of traveling around the world and remembering and imprinting; twelve years of frustration; twelve years of confusion; twelve years of growth and transformation to get here.  But, it's finally opened itself to me and started talking.  There are no words to convey the relief and gratitude that wells up in me to have reached the point where it wants to be born.  The new field is here and able to nurture and support it in a way that wasn't possible previously.

These books, this story, has lived me and pushed me and grown me into who I need to be to receive it.  I had to let go of everything that has come before, and I'm still letting go.  I've had to give up thinking I know so that the story could reveal itself to me.  I've had to cleanse and heal myself so that I could hear the story clearly.  I've had to go through certain experiences so that I could understand the characters more deeply.  I've had to open the space.  But now, everything I've been through is making sense.  Everything I've been through is ready to be utilized.

I don't know how many stories I'll get to tell in this life.  There are many that need telling.  But, for now, I'm focused on the one in front of me.  Stories choose us as much as we choose them, just like houses.  This is the one that's called me and given itself to me, as I have given myself to it.  This is the one I've developed a relationship with, the one that finally trusts me to tell it.  This is the one I resonate with.

And so, I move forward.  The lull between letting go of the past and embracing the now is done.  I've traveled enough.  I've rested enough.  I've processed enough.  I've integrated enough.  I've waited long enough.  The doors open and I walk through, into what I'm not sure, but I don't need to know, it will reveal itself to me as I go, because that's the way it works, especially now that the new field has established itself.  Ama Ra, that's the name of the new field, that's how we can call her.  And, as we use her name, we bring her more fully into being.  We acknowledge her and make her real to us.  We move into her and leave the old paradigm behind.  We see the possibilities she offers and we open to them.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and I couldn't be feeling more grateful.  The list of things to be grateful for is endless, with life itself at the top.  I'm grateful to be alive and to have the awareness that opens into a field of gratitude.  I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving, however you spend it.  And, whatever you do, take a few minutes to reflect on all the blessings you have to be grateful for and give thanks. 

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

The Break-in

My house was broken into yesterday morning...while I was here.  It started with persistent doorbell ringing, which I chose to ignore.  Mistake.  (The police later told me that had I answered the door, the potential intruder would have gone on to another house.)  Then, minutes later, I heard loud unidentifiable sounds, which, as it turns out, were made by the intruder breaking a double-paned, front side office window with a brick.

I was in the back of the house in my bedroom and bathroom when this was going on, but when I heard the loud noises, I thought I'd better go check out what was happening.  My first thought was that the doorbell ringing had been my next door neighbor who'd come over to tell me that he was going to be doing some construction on his house that day.  But, no.

As I started to walk out of my bedroom, I was confronted by the intruder who was walking into my bedroom.  I had a moment of initial confusion as to why someone I didn't know was in my house, then the thought of "how did they get in?" followed.  The next thing that happened was anger and adrenaline surged in my system and I started yelling at my unexpected visitor, "What are you doing here?  What are you doing here?"  My presence and loud yelling frightened him and he turned and ran away from me.  I followed his retreating figure into the front of the house.

I have no idea why the words "What are you doing here?" were the ones to come out of my mouth, other than that the initial confusion of who he was and how he'd gotten in was still operating.  And, even though, after the first few seconds had passed, I did have the awareness that the person was an uninvited intruder, the question continued to loop through my addled brain.  I find it interesting that I didn't scream in terror and run away from him.  Instead, I yelled loudly in anger and went after him.  I'm lucky that my presence and yelling frightened him and that he ran from me, because I have no idea what I would have done if he'd chosen differently.  But, he ran through the house and back out the broken window through which he'd come in, fleeing into the backyard and jumping over my six-foot wall into my neighbor's yard and out into the alley behind my house, leaving me uninjured and everything in the house untouched, except for the broken window.

We don't know what we'll do until confronted by an event or situation that reveals to us unknown parts of ourselves.  How would you react if a burglar entered your house while you were there?  Let me answer that for don't know.  You can imagine and surmise and intellectualize what you think you might do, but you actually have no idea.  And, when confronted with something that triggers adrenaline rushing through your system and an action that needs to be taken, for most of us, our conscious mental processes go into instinctual mode and fight or flight responses take over.  Whether we fight or flee in any particular circumstance is unknown until we're there.  I hope you don't have to find out what you'd do.  I hope you're not confronted by a situation that shows you.

I immediately called 911 and I'm beyond grateful for the wonderful man on the other end of that line.  As the adrenaline drains from your system, the fear and the peril of the reality of the situation sinks in.  And, in my case, I started to hyperventilate and dissolve into tears.  The wonderful man on the other side of that phone line calmly talked to me and kept me from flying off into other dimensions.  He stayed on the phone with me until the police officer arrived, God bless him.  If you've never had to call 911, you might not realize how miraculous it is to connect to that person in the midst of personal trauma.  I'm on my knees grateful for him and all those who work the phone lines.

The police officer who arrived quite quickly was also wonderful and reassuring and comforting.  He calmly walked me through everything and had me fill out a report.  Another officer arrived a bit later who dusted for fingerprints and investigated the scene more completely.  Both of them were exceptional, calming and supportive.  If you've never needed a quick response from the police, you might not realize how miraculous it is to have them show up.  I immediately felt safe and protected in their presence.  And, I'm on my knees grateful for them and for all of the police officers who put themselves on the line for each and every one of us everyday.

After the police left, I called to have the window replaced and the technician showed up within minutes.  It wasn't long before I had a new window installed.  I tore my office apart and cleaned up all the broken glass from the break-in and mopped the floor.  Visually, except for the broken glass outside the window that had inextricably mixed in with the pebbles there, everything was back to the way it should be and there was no further evidence that my home had been invaded.

The evidence at this point was internal.  By this time, it was almost five hours after the incident and I still hadn't reached a place of equilibrium.  I hadn't had anything to eat or drink and, suddenly, I was ravenous.  I hadn't had a shower yet and, even though I longed to feel the water wash over me, I was still feeling too vulnerable to let that happen.  So, eating came first.  The familiar process of cooking was calming and grounding, and, as the food entered my system, I could feel myself reground into my body and start to stabilize.  Gratitude for the realization that I was okay and that my cats were okay and that my house was okay and that nothing had been destroyed or taken started to settle in.  It could have been so much worse.

I'm still processing the fear and insecurity the incident triggered.  Getting to sleep last night was not easy, but once I was asleep, I slept soundly.  The saying of "having been put through the ringer" has a more visceral interpretation for me now.  I find myself hyper-reactive to the sounds I hear in my house.  I keep looking out the windows to make sure no one is slinking around where they shouldn't be.  I don't want to leave the house, although I have to later today.  The worst part of these types of events is that they shake you to your core.  Your confidence and internal sense of security in the world is shaken.  Your sense of trust is weakened.  And, that weird bubble we form around ourselves that says, "This or that won't happen to me" is shattered forever.  In fact, your reality as you've known it before is shattered forever, and will reform itself into something new.

But, the fact of getting snapped into the realization that we are vulnerable and that anything could happen at any time is not a bad thing.  The result of more awareness and more vigilance is not a bad thing.  I'm angry that the intruder took my illusion of safety from me, but it's not a bad thing.

I smudged the house with sage, I sprayed lavender all over in every room, and I used sound in the form of an Oriental ringing ball to break up the energies of fear, desperation, lack, limitation and victimization that had been left in the wake of the intrusion.  I prayed unrelentingly, for myself and for the intruder.  I realized that the only security I have is the internal security I carry within myself; and, that there is no security in physical things.  And so, I lean into my core and my connection to Life and All That Is.  I release from within myself all the old patterns that might have drawn this experience to me.  I give thanks for it, that it brought me into awareness about the issues that are still operating within me in regard to fear, desperation, lack, limitation, and victimization.  I work with Saint Germaine and the Violet Consuming Flame to cleanse and purge from my system anything that limits or weakens me in any way, anything that disempowers me or blocks the full flow of Life through me.  I invoke the help of angels and of all my unseen, multidimensional guides and teachers.  I take nothing for granted.

And so, today my world is new.  Today I see and perceive differently.  Today I feel more connected to Life and the Power behind, and inherent within, all creation.  And, today I move forward, not as a victim, but even more empowered within myself than I was before.  Even more connected.  Even more aware.  Stronger.  Conscious.  Cleansed.  Renewed.  Grateful.

Friday, November 9, 2012

The Beautiful Bosque

The Rio Grande River runs through Albuquerque, splitting it into east and west sections.  Along the river is the area known as the Bosque (Spanish for "woods").  And, right now, the entire Bosque is golden.  All the trees have turned and it's breathtakingly beautiful.

It surprises me how suddenly and stunningly the leaves turn into such an array of deep color.  One day things are green; and, the next day, everything is red and gold.  It was only days ago that I wondered to myself when the trees along the Bosque would turn gold.  This morning, I had to drive from where I live in the north eastern part of Albuquerque, across the river to the north western part of Albuquerque; and, as I drove over the river and then north along the western side of it, I was transfixed by the beauty of the acres and miles of golden trees.  It's quite a site.

The photo to the left is the still-blooming lavender in my front yard with the gold and red trees in my neighbor's yard behind it.  I'm just dazzled by the richness of the colors I see all around me.  And, I'm so happy to be here to experience it this year.  I missed my wisteria blooming earlier, so I'm extra grateful to be here for the fall colors now.

We had our first winter weather blow through today.  It started out very gray this morning and we got a nice amount of rain.  Now, the sky has cleared to blue with huge fluffy white clouds patched through it.  The late afternoon sun is shining and bringing everything to brilliant life.

Albuquerque is one of those places that kind of creeps up on you.  At first impression, you'd be a rare person to find it beautiful, although it's very beautiful.  Many people who come here just blow through on their way to Santa Fe or Taos, which are very different geographies.  But, if you're lucky enough to stay for a while, or to come here for multiple visits, the beauty of the place reveals itself to you, and you become enchanted by it.  Which is one of the reasons New Mexico is called the Land of Enchantment.

There are many things to be enchanted by in this simple and sometimes stark place.  And, I truly find myself grateful everyday to be able to call Albuquerque home.  There aren't that many places I've been where I'm struck by beauty on a daily basis, but this is one of those places.  I'm fed and nurtured by the beauty here in a very special way.  There are many types of beauty, and Albuquerque is in the desert and might not be everyone's idea of what a beautiful place looks like, but I would encourage them to be more observant and not to overlook it, or to dismiss it unexamined.

Wherever you live, I hope you're fed and nurtured by its beauty.  I hope you appreciate the nature by which you're surrounded.  And, if you're not surrounded by nature, then I hope you appreciate that one tree or one plant that graces your environment.  I'm mostly overcome with gratitude these days, which makes me more observant and appreciative of my surroundings.  But, for those of you who might be caught up with work and the everyday stresses of living, and who've forgotten to notice the beauty around you, I would encourage you to have a "stop and smell the roses" moment.  It's so refreshing and renewing to stop for a moment and take in the beauty that's right next to us.  Look up into the blue of the sky.  Watch the clouds move overhead.  Notice the plants and the trees.  Soak up a ray of sunshine.  Simple things that take just a second, but that can give us a whole new perspective.  And, when we do it and feel grateful for it, we've uplifted our whole day.

If we can just feel gratitude for any small thing in our lives, it reshapes everything and opens us to receive what Life wants to give us on a much larger scale.  I was sick yesterday and felt miserable.  I spent the greater part of the day making trips back and forth from my bed to the bathroom and then rolling around groaning in between.  But, as I lay there in my misery, I felt compassion for everyone anywhere in the world who is sick or in pain.  And, I was grateful that, for me, the misery would be brief and temporary.  I was grateful for my caring cats who cuddled me all day because they knew I wasn't feeling well.  I was grateful for the fluffy blanket that kept me warm.  I was grateful that I had a roof over my head.  So many things to be grateful for.

Even though feeling gratitude has been easier for me lately, I'm consciously creating a habit of being grateful.  Whenever I find myself feeling down or moving into a dark place, I change my point of focus to one that illicits gratitude.  Sometimes I wallow a bit before I realize what I'm doing, but then I catch myself and move my awareness to something that makes me grateful.  And, I'm immediately uplifted.  There's no shortage of things to be grateful for, even if it's just that I'm alive.  Because, if it's our intention to be grateful, we'll find something to take us there.  And, no matter how difficult things seem, with just a small change in focus we can move ourselves into a place of gratitude.  And, what I've found for myself, is that once I'm in a place of gratitude, solutions to whatever seems to be plaguing me in the moment seem to reveal themselves.

So, for now, I'm grateful for the fall colors and the beauty that surrounds me and for my ability to see it and appreciate it.  What are you grateful for?  Find something.  Right now.  And then, revel in it.  Sink into it and let the gratitude take you and have its way with you.  Yes.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.  It's pretty much the antidote for whatever ails you.  And, it might not fix whatever you think the current problem is, but it will make you feel better about it.  So, if it's not your habit to be grateful, try it.  Next time you feel yourself going down, switch it up and feel grateful instead.  You'll be amazed at the difference it makes.      

Monday, November 5, 2012

It's the Journey

The sun is getting ready to sink behind the trees across the street, and it's only 4:30pm!  It seems shockingly early for the sun to be setting.  But, it always feels this way when we go back to Standard Time after enjoying Daylight Savings Time.  You wouldn't think an hour could make such a difference, but it makes a huge difference.  Now, it feels like winter is here.  Not because the weather is any different than it was a few days ago, but because the days are suddenly so much shorter.

I had rather the endless summer this year.  I spent February in the Philippines working, where the weather was warm and lovely, and the days were long.  Then, I went to India and Nepal, traveling on my own until May, where the weather was warm to scorching hot, and the days were long and lazy.  When I got back to Albuquerque in May, it was summer.  So, I've had a very prolonged run of warm, elongated days for quite a while now.  And, I was very ready for a change.  When the air got cooler and the leaves started to turn, I found it very exciting to be moving into a new season.  But, losing the hour of daylight we have with Daylight Savings Time is always difficult.

But now, it's time to go inside, in ways both physical and spiritual.  I started the 21-Day Meditation Challenge that Deepak Chopra is doing through the Oprah Network today.  It seemed like the perfect thing to do.  Mercury goes retrograde tomorrow, so that's even more assistance to going inside.  And, next Monday, I'm starting a 30-Day Mini-Movie Method screenwriting structure class, which also seems like the perfect thing to do.  Both of these endeavors will take me more deeply into myself.  And, the cooler weather and shorter days will only assist my focus.

I've been turning more and more inward for a while now, and then the opportunities showed up to really take advantage of that inward turning.  And, not only to take advantage of it, but to enhance it.  I've been being very mindful lately, and even though I haven't resonated with any kind of meditative practice up until now, it does seem to finally be the time where meditation will be possible.  The major reason I stopped script supervising was to allow myself the time and focus to write a screenplay that's been growing in me for a very long time.  The screenwriting class I'm going to be taking seems like the perfect step to get me going at this point.  Structure has been a major hangup for me, and this class should move me past that hangup.

It's not always easy to let the flow of Life bring us what we need in the most advantageous time.  We usually want things to happen much more quickly than they do.  I've historically pushed against the flow of Life in my attempts to move things along faster than they seem to be happening.  But, it hasn't helped.  It doesn't help.  It only creates anxious anxiety and unnecessary stress.  Relaxing into the flow of Life brings so much more ease to things.  Knowing that things will happen in their own time, and allowing that flow to unfold, makes Life so much more enjoyable.  But, it's taken me a very long time to integrate that.  I knew it before, but I didn't "get" it.  I kinda got it.  But, I didn't really get it.

Because so much of what I'm currently experiencing in the unfolding of my life has been such a long time coming, it makes it all that much more sweet.  Up until now, life has seemed difficult on a number of levels.  But, I'm realizing that that was the nature of the way I looked at things.  I've actually had a very blessed life, but had trouble fully enjoying it.  As much as I would have considered myself to be an optimistic person, I often was more focused on what was wrong rather than on what was right at any given moment.  I was always trying to fix things instead of appreciating where I was.  I was fixated upon my past and focused on my future instead of enjoying what was going on right now.  But, finally, gratefully, those patterns are changing.

What I'm going to say sounds simple.  And, many people teach it...or, try to teach it to resisting souls such as myself.  But, being present in the now with whatever is going on, and truly being grateful for the experience, whatever it is, is the most expansive and receptive way to live Life.  As much trust as it's taken to live a free-lance existence for so long, my levels of trust are deepening now and allowing me to live in a much more present and grateful state.  Instead of beating myself up for not doing whatever it was I thought I should be doing, I'm grateful for each day, whether I "do" anything or not.  And, I'm finding that by being present and grateful, Life is opening up, and opportunities are showing up, in ways that previously wouldn't have been possible.

For me, it took making the decision to retire to allow myself to reach this place.  Or, maybe I had reached this place, which is why I chose to retire.  But, either way, it doesn't matter.  I'm here.  The long, hard road is falling away behind me; and, a new road is opening before me.  How often has someone told you, "It's a process"?  For me, more times than I can count.  "It's the journey, not the destination."  "Be in the moment."  And, on and on.  I've heard them and I've said them, and I've thought I understood them.  But, it's only now that I'm finally able to live them.

And so, I enter the darkness of winter with gratitude.  I appreciate the internal nature of this time of year.  I embrace the assistance it gives me on my journey.  And, I open to the gifts that it offers.  I open to myself and the gift of revelation that is.  I open to all the parts of myself that have remained hidden for so long.  I open the channels of expression that have searched for release.  I open to my talents and creativity and set them free.  I accept and open to each moment as it comes, knowing that each one is a gift.  And, I let Life happen, instead of trying to make it happen.  It's such a relief.   

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Enjoy Your Season

I went on a reccie (reconnaisance mission) yesterday to check out some of the nearby trailheads.  I found three different places that looked very promising, but the third place I went to was the place with which I felt the most resonance.  It was the Elena Gallegos Open Space area at the base of the Sandia Mountains in the northeastern part of Albuquerque.

I paid the $1.00 fee to enter, put the stub on my dashboard and slowly started the drive up into the area from the entry booth.  It was quiet and I saw no one as I rolled past the sparsely-located picnic areas.  At the top of the roadway, where it curves around to start back down, there were a number of parking spaces near the entrances to the two main trailheads that went up into the wadi from the road.  Wadi is an Arabic word for a geology for which I don't actually have an English word.  It's a type of steep valley that exists between two mountains or hills.  The Elena Gallegos wadi goes up between two points of the Sandias.  It's about 6,500 feet where the road up to the parking spaces is and then slopes up from there to the 10,378 foot crest of the mountain.

I wasn't planning to walk up into the wadi today, I just wanted to get a sense of the space and how the trails laid out.  So, I continued past the parking area for the trailheads and wound back down through the picnic area toward the entry booth again.  I almost drove past by the last picnic area, but I felt drawn to pull in and stop.  I left my car in the parking space and walked down the incline to the cement picnic table and benches that were covered by a wooden roof suspended by four stone and cement pillars.  Next to the seating area was an open grill stand, and I wondered how many hamburgers and hot dogs had been cooked on it.  I sat down into a ray of sunshine on the low wall  made of stone and cement that edged the picnic table on two sides.

Albuquerque is quiet.  And, I live in a very quiet, older neighborhood and have gotten very used to the quiet with which I'm surrounded most of the time.  But, at the open space area, it was even more quiet than normal.  I was amazed that no one from among the approximately 550,000 souls who live in Albuquerque and the surrounding area had found their way to where I was on this particular day.

As I sat there and relaxed into the place it started to come alive.  A crow cawed loudly as it flew by, and I could hear smaller birds chirping as they flitted about.  I heard the buzz of insects who were busy in the scrub at my feet.  I heard the crunch of human feet walking through gravelly dirt in the distance, quite a ways away from my perch.  I saw an airplane silently circling over the valley below on its approach to the airport.  I noticed a mountain peak to the south that looked like Middle Earth or Narnia through the haze.  The volcanos appeared as blips on the landscape as I looked west toward the horizon. The breeze gently blew my hair and I became very aware of my scalp and my hair follicles and how the wind brushed my skin.  The sun warmed me as I sat there and I noticed that it was warmer on my cheekbone than on my cheek.

I sat there for a very long time.  The life of the place, and my connection to the earth as I sat there, was so nurturing and subtly energizing.  And, it validated for me how important it is to get outside and commune with nature.  I can putter around the house for days on end, but it can be very insular.  Getting outside and into nature is very grounding and balancing.  We're electrified by all the technology and wiring we're surrounded with, and nature pulls some of that out of us.  We can also forget how much beauty there is to enjoy and, by getting out into nature, we're reminded of it.

This new, quieter and more relaxed place I've found within myself is opening my world up in unexpected ways.  As I sink deeper within myself, I'm able to commune more deeply with my environment.  I hear better.  I see better.  My sense of smell is more acute.  The slightest touch of the breeze is suddenly sensual.  This relaxation into myself is filling me with new life; is making room for more life.  I feel more finely tuned; softer, yet more defined.  And, as I deepen my relationship with myself, I deepen my relationship with the earth.  I feel more whole, more connected, more present, more in my body.

As the noise that dominated my thought processes has lost its grip, and the quiet has descended over my reality, I've started to gain a sense of the vastness of All That Is.  I've started to open up to my multidimensional nature.  I've started to get a taste of who I AM.  I am filled with a sense of wonder and gratitude.  It's like I'm waking up after a long sleep.  I'm shaking off the grogginess and stepping into a new and alert place.  Everything sings with a new vitality.  I'm moving into a stronger place of trust and beginning to feel safe in the world.  I'm amazed on a daily basis.

Even when I was working, I made sure to take time off and I did a lot of traveling.  Getting out of my everyday environment was like hitting the reset button, and I always came back renewed and grateful, ready for the next job.  But, now that I've let go of the cycle of work and going from job to job, and I'm finally able to relax in a way that a couple of weeks, or even a couple of months does not allow, my life is opening up and showing me different things.

There are many seasons in our lives, and I'm entering into and becoming familiar with the one I'm living right now.  My whole experience is so much richer than I've allowed myself up until now.  And, as I look back, I wish I'd been able to be as present with the previous seasons of my life as I am with this one.  I encourage you to find ways to slow down and relax and sink more deeply into your life.  Enjoy each and every season for the wonder that it is.  Each and every day is a revelation of abundance.  Don't let any of it pass by unnoticed or unappreciated.

Stop, and take a breath.  Really.  Breathe.  Long and deep and slow.  Let it fill not just your lungs, but each and every cell of your being.  Breathing brings us into the body and focuses us.  Breathing connects us into the larger energy that lives us.  Breathing brings awareness, alertness and sensitivity.  If you can't stop, at least hesitate.  And, breathe.  If you can't get away physically, get away inside.  Unhook.  Disengage from what holds you.  Breathe.  Reset.  Step back.  Breathe.  As the breath moves through the body, the muscles will start to relax, the tension will start to drain away, the noise will dissipate, and things will get quiet.  Now...from this place...move forward.

Enjoy your season, whatever it is.  Whatever is happening, be grateful.  Because, no matter how many lives we live, each one is unique and special.  Each one is precious.  Enjoy it.  Enjoy your season. 

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Enjoy the Moment

I walked outside to put the trash out for pickup tonight and noticed that my neighbors across the street had hung orange Halloween lights on their porch.  I got so much pleasure from seeing those beautiful orange lights twinkling in the darkness.  It was such a happy image, and gave me such a warm feeling.

I've been gone from home for so many holidays over so many years because of being on location somewhere, and it gives me so much joy to be at home this year for them...Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I've not put up decorations for any holiday for so long, because even if I was at home, it all seemed too brief.  And, not that I'm going to go all out with decorations this year, but I did put some pumpkins out front for Halloween.

Pumpkins are one of my favorite things.  I love their plumpness and their rich orange color.  I love the way they taste and will eat anything with pumpkin in it.  Pumpkin soup, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin bread, pumpkin pie, pumpkin name it...if it's got pumpkin in it, I'm going to love it.  There's something so earthy and rich and naturally sweet about the flavor of pumpkin.  It's the perfect food for fall, and the harbinger of the holidays to come.  Pumpkins make me happy.  If I see pumpkins, I just naturally break into a smile.

This is the longest period of time I've been at home without the uncertainty of when I would leave again hanging over me in over thirty years.  I've loved my Gypsy life and all the places around the world where I've been blessed to be able to spend time, but now I'm really loving being at home.  I'm interacting with my neighbors and starting to feel part of a community.  I'm making friends who I'm able to see on a regular basis instead of once a year or once very few months.  I'm not complaining about how my life has been up to now, it was my choice and I loved it; but, because of it, I think I'm even more able to enjoy the pleasures of what I'm experiencing now.

I'm an adopted child, and I think for many adopted children, we often feel a bit apart.  We are more apt to be concerned about wanting to feel a part of something and about trying to fit in and be accepted.  One of the things I loved about the film industry was that the crew on every film felt like a family.  For the length of the film, I was part of something.  But, it always came to an end and my family broke apart and was scattered to the wind.  Being at home now, I'm starting to form relationships that are more steady and consistent.  I'm here to participate and nurture them.  And, it feels good.

Things come and things go and things change more often than they stay the same.  But, that makes me want to really appreciate and enjoy what I have in this moment while I have it.  Everything about my life has taught me to enjoy the moment because we never know how long it will last or what will come next.  And, I'm learning that lesson on deeper levels at this point.  I'm soaking up the richness of each and every moment.  I'm noticing every nuance of my life and my environment.  And, as much as time seems to be speeding up, I pop in and out of it and have these periods of suspended time, where everything seems to slow down and I'm able to hear every sound and notice every detail of my surroundings.  And, these suspensions of time allow me to connect with and fall in love with everything; to move into deeper and deeper levels of gratitude.

I let myself savor this time, because I know change is coming; and, when it does, I'll be glad that I took the time to enjoy the now.  And, by enjoying what's in front of me right now, I'll be more able to embrace whatever the change is when it comes.  And so, I drink it all in...the tree with the golden leaves out my window; the crispness in the air; the clear blue of the sky; the pumpkins; and, the orange lights across the street.     

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

The Quiet

I haven't had much to say lately.  It's been very quiet.  I've felt very internal.  Things have happened, but nothing has moved me to write about it.  Every day I think, "I could write about that," or, "Oh, I could write about that," but then it feels like I'm just reaching for something rather than it coming up from within me and letting me know it wants to be written about.  And, so, the days go by.

I seem to have reached a new level of quiet.  I'm more relaxed and feel more connected to everything around me.  I push myself less in general.  The old pattern of "doing" is in the process of transforming into one of "being."  Instead of willing myself forward to live life, Life seems to be living me.  The more I relax, the more in touch with myself I get, and the more in touch with nature I get, and the more into the flow of Life I get.

I'm realizing that I have time.  I have unlimited amounts of time.  And, really, there is no time.  Maybe it's more that as the construct of time fades away, I see the unlimited vastness that exists outside of it.  So, the need to rush or push myself or will myself to do anything just isn't there.  I have this deeper knowing that everything will happen as it needs to; that trying to push things is useless, because it's outside the flow.  As I sink into the deeper rhythms of Life and align myself with this organic, authentic movement, there's no desire to try to control it or impose any kind of artificial efforting onto it.

I'm finding a deeper place of trust in All That Is as I relax more.  Relaxation is highly underrated.  My body is calm and my adrenals are getting a much needed rest.  Instead of feeling like a piccolo, I'm feeling like a stand-up bass.  I'm more in my body instead of hovering around my head.  And, my body likes it when I'm "in."  I'm realizing that when I'm grounded into my body, I actually feel more safe than when I'm not.  Historically, it felt the opposite.  Grounding into my body used to terrify me.  But, no more.

I'm having trouble eating, which for me is unheard of.  But, I'm often hungry without having a clue what to eat.  Nothing sounds good to me.  All the foods I would normally go to no longer draw me.  I've tried some new things without success.  Often, I'll prepare something, take a couple of bites and then not be able to continue eating.  And, I feel this phenomenon might get worse before it gets better.  I feel that it has something to do with our bodies changing from a carbon-based system into a crystalline-based system, and that until things go through more transformation and start to stabilize, deciding what to eat could continue to be a conundrum.  I actually think that a number of foods will fall by the wayside and new ones will reveal themselves to take their place.  As our frequency changes, so will our food.  We'll be drawn to different things, and different things will present themselves.

I've been aware of our planetary transition from third dimension into fifth dimension for a very long time.  And, there have been "ascension symptoms" for many years as we all go through this process.  But, for me, things seem to be more pronounced lately.  I have a greater sense of "movement" on a number of levels.  And, as much as time seems to have been speeding up over the years, it now seems to be picking up even more as we prepare to "punch through" it all together.  Energetically, it feels like we're ramping up to something.  What exactly, I'm not sure.  I have this knowing that we're raising our frequency into the fifth dimension, but what that looks and feels like is still being revealed.  And, so, the adventure continues.

Over the years, no matter what's been going on planetarily or how I've felt, I got up and went to work.  And, I worked long hours that took great concentration and focus.  But, now, I'm endlessly grateful not to have to do that.  I'm grateful to be able to pay attention to the earth, to my body, and to the way I feel on a daily basis; on a moment by moment basis.  It's like I'm getting to know myself all over again.  And, I'm really enjoying the process.

I've never been a meditator, I didn't understand the point or the practice.  I could see the value in being quiet, but I was too caught up with doing to ever really be able to let go.  And, a number of people I'd heard talk about meditation talked about other-worldly or sensate experiences they'd had while meditating that I couldn't relate to.  I never enjoyed guided meditations either.  But, now, when I sit in the quiet, I go inside myself.  The revelation that the journey is about going deeper into myself has changed everything.  I go into my core.  I spend time inside with myself.  I don't remember anyone ever describing meditation to me in the way I'm experiencing it.  Or, if they did, then I just wasn't ready to hear it or integrate it.

So, like I said, things are quiet.  Quiet on the outside.  But, lots has been happening on the inside.  I feel like I'm in the midst of a process that will only deepen and continue, and I'm sure as I integrate the changes that are happening within me, I'll be able to write about them.  But, for now, I feel quite accomplished to have written this much.  I would encourage everyone to relax as much as possible; to sink into your very being.  Be kind to yourself.  Don't push yourself to do too much.  And, eat whatever sounds good in the moment.  We're all going through a life-changing experience, consciously or unconsciously, and the more we can let go and relax into it, the smoother it will be.  So, as much as possible, sit back and enjoy the ride of our lives!  

Monday, October 15, 2012

Constant Craving

When is it enough?  When have you had enough?  When are you satiated?  When do you stop...eating, drinking, smoking, using?  Fill in your own issue.  For those of us who tend to overdo it, those are important questions.  For those of us with addictive tendencies, or with full-blown addictions, these are pivotal questions.  What is it that can't be filled?  What is that place that's so empty nothing can fill it?  Or, what is it that we so don't want to see or acknowledge within ourselves?  The thing we run from and think that a huge intake of--fill in the blank--will cover, or subdue, or silence.

The horrible thing is though, that even if one has intellectual awareness about whatever the issue is that's demanding and demanding and demanding, it doesn't stop the demanding.  It doesn't stop the desire, the craving, the overpowering need.  And, when you know, and the need still overpowers you, you feel even worse.  Ignorance is bliss.  Once you know, there's only shame and guilt.  And, even if one is able to will themselves past the craving, the question of "enough" is never answered.  We could also ask, when is it enough shame...or, guilt?  What is that switch that gets flipped in some people that says "enough"?  And, if you don't have one, can you get one?

I think it's some kind of DNA lapse.  For those of us who don't have an "off" switch, maybe we just don't have a particular gene that other people have.  Why?  What kind of mutation is that?...not to have the "enough" barometer.

For me, the drug is food.  Carbohydrates and sweets mostly, although I can pretty much overdose on just about anything.  Sometimes I think denial is a good tactic, but that usually results in a binge on the other side.  Sometimes I think indulgence is a good tactic...just get it out of my system.  But, because the "enough" switch is broken, I've been known to indulge until I've made myself sick.  This might deter me for a short time from whatever it was I happened to be indulging in at the time, but even sickness doesn't drive home the idea of "enough."  I'll do it again.  Over and over.  Which is kind of the definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.  So, for me, my lack of an ability to determine when enough is enough is my own little slice of insanity.

Why should I have just one piece of pie when I can eat the whole thing?  Why stop at a couple of scoops of ice cream when I can eat a whole pint...or, more?  Once I get started, it's hard to stop.  Bet you can't have just one!  Well, with me, you'll win that bet every time.  I know it about myself, but it doesn't help.  I'll know I'm overdoing it, but keep going anyway.  Self-destructive insanity.

I'm really sane in other ways.  I'm smart and talented and perceptive.  I have wonderful friends and my life seems to work pretty least, most of the time.  But then, there's this insane side of me that goes too far.

I've studied Energetic Healing modalities for many years, taken numerous classes, and learned many techniques.  I've had endless healing sessions with a wide variety of practitioners.  I've had deep awarenesses and huge internal leaps and shifts.  And, what I've come to with all of it is that it comes down to love and acceptance.  We have to accept something within ourselves...that it's there...that it's operating...that it's unlikely to change or go away.  The unlikely to change or go away part is disappointing, believe me, I know; but, it's mostly true.  The thing is though, that we can transform things through love.  We can love them free.  Once we see something, and then accept it, that part of the process opens us up to receiving the value behind it...whatever the "it" is.  Once we've received the value from it, we move into a place of gratitude, compassion and understanding, and from there love is a short step.  And, in that place of love, everything softens and opens up and loses its grip on us.

I might always want to eat more than I should.  And, I might always want to eat things that don't contribute much to being healthy.  But, once I'm able to bring the love fully to my empty place, I think the bottomless need will lose its power.  So, my tactic at this point is, when the need starts to rear its head, instead of going for the external self-medicating food item, I breathe love through my body.  I plug into that unlimited Source that's always there, and let that communion fill me instead of my usual go-tos.  I'm forming a new habit.  I'm listening to my internal cries and giving them the real food.  I'm soothing the hungry beast with the only thing that has the ability to satiate

It's my current experiment.  I'm in process with it.  I might win sometimes and I might lose sometimes, but I think I'm moving in a good direction overall.  I'm calling it the Love Diet.  And, I'm hoping I can love myself enough to set myself free from the bonds of my captor.  But, no matter what happens, I'll have upped my love quotient, which is the most important thing anyway.  If we can all up our love quotient, everything will be better.  So, my solution, to just about anything, is to give myself a love bath; to permeate myself with love; to stop, connect, and let the love flow.  Can you overdo it with love?  I don't think so.  This just may be where my lack of an "off" switch comes in handy.    

Friday, October 12, 2012


I saw "Argo" tonight.  What a great movie!  And, so timely, considering everything that's going on in the Middle East and the issues of security for our embassies.

It's based on the true story of how a CIA operative named Tony Mendez came up with and executed a plan to rescue six escaped American embassy workers who were hiding in the Canadian Embassy in Tehran after the takeover of the American Embassy during the hostage crisis of 1979.

The plan was that Tony would fly in to Tehran as a movie producer meeting up with six of his crew members for a location scout and they would all fly out together.  As they say in the movie, it was the "best bad idea" they could come up with to extricate six stranded Americans who, if left there, would most probably be killed.

This was the first time that such a plan was put into action, but it was an extraordinary circumstance that required special creativity to find a solution.  It took vision and daring and balls of steel.  Tony Mendez was a family man with a young son, and he risked his life to save six stranded Americans.  The files on this operation were kept classified until 1997.

The amazing thing is that this rescue almost didn't happen.  If Tony Mendez hadn't been the person he was, those six people would probably have never made it home.  One person.  One person who made all the difference.  One person who was willing to put it all on the line.  One person who was willing to take responsibility.  One person who didn't back down.

Where someone gets the core strength, courage and commitment of a Tony Mendez is a mystery.  And, not all of us are called upon to put our lives on the line in the way that Tony Mendez was in order to find out.  We would all hope that we would be strong and brave and committed if tested, but that hope might crumble in the face of real adversity.  I've internally collapsed if someone gets angry with me or raises their voice in conversation.  I've historically run from confrontation, unable to deal with it.  I'm better with these issues at this point in my life, but I still wonder, in the same situation Tony Mendez took on, would I have succeeded.

"Argo" is inspiring.  Tony Mendez is inspiring.  The movie and the man both make me want to be better, stronger, braver.  And, of course the CIA makes mistakes, but they also have many successes we never hear about.  There are men and women risking their lives for all of us on a daily basis who we will never know and who will always remain invisible.  But, they are there.  And, I'm grateful.

So, if you're wondering which movie to go see, make it "Argo."  You won't be sorry.

Friday, October 5, 2012

Questions of Origin

I've been asking a lot of questions and doing a lot of research lately about the nature of things and our origins.  The origins of the human race.  Who are we really and where do we come from?  Who and/or what is "God"?  Who was Jesus referring to when he said, " The Father"?  What are angels?

I've always accepted a lot of spiritual information on faith.  If it felt true in my bones, that was enough for me.  We didn't have all the answers and that was okay...until now.  Lately, my curiosity has been going deeper and demanding more.  Mysterious, unspecific and speculative answers, or no answers at all, were not satisfying the hunger of my soul any longer.

As it turns out, there are libraries of historical information that address these deeper questions.  The Egyptian and Sumerian histories, which are not just conjecture, but are very detailed written histories, contain surprising and revelatory narratives of our oldest beginnings.  The history of the Dogon people in Mali, Africa is very old and very specific, as are the histories of native peoples around the planet.  Greek, and Hindu and Indian histories are full of information.  Chinese history is extensive and goes back many thousands of years.  But, because these histories are written or told in languages that are not always easily understood, and require not only translation but interpretation, they've remained somewhat hidden due to mistranslations and limited and confused interpretations.

Many of us tend to translate and interpret things through the limits of our own understanding, or just give up and leave it to mystery.  But, there are those who've approached this information with a broader sensibility and finely-honed linguistic skills.  And, the conclusions they've drawn and substantiated with hard physical evidence, point to our origins as extra-terrestrial.  This didn't surprise me, but what did surprise me was that it is so extensively and definitively documented.  The "Gods" and "angels" it seems are extra-terrestrial beings of abilities and intelligence that exceeds ours.  In our limited understanding of what we were dealing with, and in an attempt to explain these interactions and phenomena, we've used terms that were familiar to try to explain the unfamiliar.

"Fiery chariots," "burning bushes," "winged horses" were all attempts to make sense of things that we had no way of understanding or explaining in the language that was available.  Even today, people are still arguing about whether extra-terrestrials have ever visited our planet, even though the evidence for it is extensive and pervasive.  The answer to the question of whether we've been visited by extra-terrestrials does not seem to be just "yes" but "yes, continuously."  And, in actuality, WE are extra-terrestrials.  We're a seeded humanity with DNA constructed of and by extra-terrestrials.  And, we've been consistently evolved by contact with and mating with extra-terrestrial beings.

Our ancient societies have been given tools, technology and knowledge that is inexplicable and mysterious unless extra-terrestrial contact is considered.  And, this contact continues today.  What do you think channeling is?  At this point in our development as a species, we've raised our vibratory and intelligence levels to the point where it's become easier for our extra-terrestrial brothers and sisters to contact us mind-to-mind and to implant ideas and information into our consciousness without the need to appear to us physically.  Not that there aren't visitations, there are.  But, often, physical visitation isn't necessary.  There have always been prophets throughout history and in all societies, but it would seem that there are more of us now who are open to contact than there have ever been.  Or, maybe there aren't more prophets and contactees, there's just better communication and we're more aware of it.  We're also not as afraid of being burned at the stake for admitting our prophecy and contact as our predecessors were.

So, knowing that we are all extra-terrestrial in origin, that we all have hybrid DNA, that the "Gods/gods" are extra-terrestrial beings, and that off-planet contact is does faith fit into all of this?  What about trust in God?  What about prayer?  What about "God's will"?  What about a "Divine Plan"?  What about "Divine intervention" and the power of "grace"?  Well, it might be time for some reframing of these terms and concepts.  It might be time to consider things in a broader context.  It might be time to "free our minds" of the limitations and concepts we've been living within and to realize that Life is different than we might have thought, and that humans are much more capable and empowered than we've thought.

We've been operating as children under a mommy/daddy god who looks after us, makes decisions for us, implements a divine plan for our lives, loves us and answers our prayers.  This type of thinking abdicates responsibility for ourselves.  By this type of thinking, we put our power in the hands of the "gods" and trundle along, hoping that things will turn out well.  "God willing" is a term that many people use.  But, what if the time for this type of irresponsibility is over?  What if it's time for each and every one of us to take full responsibility for ourselves and accept that we are gods as well?

I think faith is ultimately our faith in ourselves and in the laws of the universe.  I think that real power comes from understanding and consciously utilizing universal laws to benefit ourselves and all life everywhere.  I think trusting in "God" is really trusting in Life, in cosmic law, and in our own inherent power and ability.  I think prayer is a way of putting thought and intention into the context of Life in a concentrated way, and that we're really talking to ourselves when we pray, talking to the larger part of ourselves.  I think there always have been, and still are, extra-terrestrial intelligences that are advanced to us who intervene and evolve our species, but that no matter what their plan might be, the real divine plan is the one we hold for ourselves.  I think that "still small voice" within is our own higher voice, the voice that's connected into Life in a larger context, that's connected into the force that lives and animates us...whatever that is and whatever it's called.

There is a Life, a force, an energy that lives and connects us all, and in which we all have our being.  We are in constant contact with this Life, because it's what lives us, it is us.  And, no matter our origins, Life is Life.  We're free to believe what we will and live lives that are as expansive as we can imagine.  We can open ourselves to big ideas and concepts, or we can keep ourselves small and contained.  We have free will.  It's up to us.  Energy goes where we put our focus.  Relaxing into the flow of Life and staying in conscious connection with the all of Life informs us and helps us to live our lives in more valuable and beneficial ways.  Knowing more does not erode my faith, but only strengthens it.  We're part of an extensive cosmic family.  We're not alone on our tiny planet.  We're members of a much larger society.  And, we're on the verge of coming into conscious contact with that larger society in a much broader way than we've been experiencing up until now.  We're on the verge of being able to consciously participate and contribute to this larger experience of life that being a galactic citizen will allow us.

We're on the verge of meeting and getting to know our true ancestors.  Our planet and our consciousness have evolved to the point where we're going to be able to join a galactic community.  It means bigger challenges and more responsibility, but we're ready for it.  We're ready to graduate into a larger experience of Life, a larger playground.  Knowing and understanding our origins and nature, and taking it out of the realm of mystery, doesn't limit us in any way, but only expands and empowers us and helps to prepare us for our next phase of experience.  These are exciting times.  We're going to experience things that were previously inconceivable.  We're going to be stretched and pushed beyond what we thought was possible.  We're going to realize that Life is so much more expansive than we've been able to imagine.  More is going to be required of us, but we're capable of rising to the occasion.

Everything that's gone before has brought us to this moment in our evolution where we're about to step off a precipice into a much larger and, as yet, unknown way of being.  Historically, we've often reacted to change and expansion with fear and defensiveness, but I'm hoping this time we've grown enough to embrace the gifts that are coming.  I'm hoping we're ready to take our place along side our galactic brothers and sisters and to step into our next phase of being as conscious galactic citizens.  What do you think?  Are you ready to step forward and embrace this next opportunity for growth?  Are you ready to be more than you ever thought you could be?  I think we're all going to have the chance to find out...really soon. 

Sunday, September 30, 2012

The Truth Shall Set You Free

I had a session with an animal communicator for my cats.  The animal communicator's name is Madison Owl, and her website is  For all of you with animals, I would highly recommend a session with an animal communicator.  Through this type of communication you learn so much about your animal's thoughts and perceptions and it brings you closer together.

I had an Emotion Code session earlier in the week for the cats and it was the Emotion Code practitioner who recommended Madison.  After the release of some of the blocked emotions, it seemed like a good time for some conversation and communication that can only be facilitated by one whose gift is an ability to communicate with animals in a way that most of us can't.  It has been my deepest desire, ever since Buddy came to live with us two years ago, for all three cats to be friends and to co-exist peacefully.  And, I was so hopeful that the session with Madison would help us to manifest this desire as reality.  But, no.  At least not in the way I'd hoped.

The "no" is not because of any inability of communication on Madison's part, or because of the cats not understanding my desire.  It is because that's not what the cats want.  And, this is the key to communication at a deep level, with humans as well as animals.  When we can see, understand and accept the truth, even if it's not what we want, then solutions present themselves.  And, through talking with the cats and understanding how they felt about the situation, solutions were indeed presented.

Buddy is older--now 15--and locked into his thoughts, perceptions and behavior.  As Madison put it, "He's rather hard-wired to act the way he does and it would take years of therapy to change him."  When he met me, he was an only cat and I rented the apartment where he lived for a month temporarily.  At the end of that month, his person asked if I wanted to take him because she could no longer keep him.  By that time, I'd fallen in love with him and the feeling was reciprocal, so there was no thought to the decision of "yes."  But, that meeting was the beginning of a perception that would make integrating Buddy into our family unit an insurmountable problem.

During our initial month together, Buddy came to think of me as his, and at this point he was still an only cat.  He thought of it as his job to love and protect me.  When he came with me to Albuquerque, even though I'd had an animal communicator in Los Angeles prepare him for meeting the girls, and he seemed excited to meet others of his kind, he didn't understand that the girls lived in the same house with us and that we were all one family.  The girls hostile reception of him didn't help matters any.  Buddy always thinks of the girls as enemy invaders.  He can't understand why they're in the house or why I'm nice to them.  He keeps them herded into the bedroom where he can control them.  In order to protect me, he has to control the enemy.  And, this perception is not going to change.  Okay.

So, now, instead of constantly hoping that Buddy will change, or the girls will change, I just get it.  Acceptance is key to any kind of solution or change for the better.  Once I accept his attitude, I can work with it.  This goes for humans as well.  It's amazing what our animals can teach us if we let them.

Negri doesn't really care about Buddy other than wishing he weren't here.  She just wants to be able to use the whole house.  Sophie hates Buddy.  She thinks he's useless and a mama's boy and can't figure out why I keep him around.  Sophie is very passionate.  She's never going to change and decide Buddy is okay.  Again, in order to work with her I need to accept her feelings, not deny them or hope they'll change.

So, the solutions that we arrived at are simple and doable, and came out of seeing things the way they are, not the way I want them to be.  Since Buddy was always an only cat until coming to live with me and the girls in Albuquerque, he was used to a lot of alone time, which he misses.  Therefore, now he will get to spend some alone time in my office every night while the girls get to come out of the bedroom and have the run of the house.  Win win.  They all get treats at the beginning and the end of this time period and couldn't be happier with the change.  We've done this for two nights now and it's working!  I also spend more time playing with all of them, which they enjoy immensely.

A change of larger proportions that I'm also making is to install a kitty door into my bedroom window so the girls can go outside.  They've been indoor kitties for a very long time but they want to be able to go outside, Sophie in particular.  When they had the run of the house they didn't mind staying indoors, but since Buddy now keeps them trapped in the bedroom, they need an escape hatch.  I have an appointment set for tomorrow morning for the kitty door person to come and assess the situation.  It's going to be a considerable expense that I wasn't expecting, but the results it will bring will be worth every penny.  And, it gives me a chance to expand into greater abundance, knowing that all my needs are always met.

I've also got three white candles a room burning in the house to release any residual energy of tension and conflict.  By the time the candles are finished burning, the kitty door should be installed in the window and the girls' world will have been expanded to include the backyard.  Sophie played with me and let me cuddle her while watching television last night.  Amazing!  And, I'll keep letting Negri know she can come out of the bedroom in the evening until she understands it.  Sooner or later, she'll realize there's no Buddy there chasing her back into the bedroom.  And, Buddy is happy to have his contemplative time alone.  Whew...

All of this change was possible because I was able to see the truth of the situation and then hear what was needed and implement it.  Once I let go of my agenda of "can't we all just be friends" it opened the door to a solution more based in truth than illusion.  We all have agendas based in illusion operating somewhere in our lives.  And, the persistent desire to have these agendas fulfilled is what prohibits us from seeing the truth of the situation and being able to find workable solutions.  It's the old way for us to think we can force our desires onto a situation, person or animal.  It's also very ego-centric to think our desire is the best idea anyway.  And, until we let go of our desire, we can't see what might be better that's just behind it.

It's not always easy to see the truth.  It can be very disappointing.  Letting go of our illusions and desires in order to see how things really are so we can respond to them in truth can be a difficult journey, but it's a journey worth taking.  It is one of my constant prayers to be able to see the truth of any and all situations.  But, I'm only beginning to understand what that means.  And, being able to see the truth of things requires a giving up of agendas, desires, expectations, will and control.  I don't think of myself as a controlling person, but that's another illusion I need to give up.  Do I have control issues?  Yes!  Do I impose my will on people, animals and situations?  Yes!  Do I have rampant agendas, desires and expectations running my life?  Yes!  I wish these things weren't true, but they are.  And, if I can't see that they are, I can't affect them.  We have to see it before we can change it.

When we're able to show up in our lives without agendas, desires, and expectations and allow each person and situation to reveal themselves in the truth of what they are, not only will we be able to respond more effectively and authentically, but life will become more exciting.  We won't be holding anything in the past.  We'll be allowing each day and each experience to unfold in the moment unhampered by any overlay of will or illusion.  Things will be able to reveal themselves to us that we couldn't have seen before because we would have been blocking it by our agendas, desires and expectations.  Once we take off the blinders and pierce the veils of illusions we've been putting on things, truth is able to come in and our experience of our world expands exponentially.

Seeing the truth of the situation with my cats is just a beginning.  I have a lot of agendas to give up; a lot of desires to let go of; and, a lot of expectations to release.  But, at least now my perception has been opened to the point where I can take that journey.  See the truth.  Be the truth.  Live the truth.  These are my prayers.  And, they're being answered, one step at a time.  Stay awake.  Be present.  Keep walking.  These are my mantras.  And, they're working as I take each step.  It is my wish that each and every one of us is able to live the truth, but I give that wish up in order that I might live the truth as it presents itself to me.  And, I know that you will find the truth as you are ready for it and I honor your journey.  And, once again, I am on my knees in gratitude for the depth of this awareness, for which I have no further words.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Never Forget

In those days, we finally chose to walk like giants...

©2012 Brian Andreas 
The above bit of art is called "Awakening" and is from Brian Andreas at StoryPeople.  His website is where they have many wonderful art pieces for sale.  This particular one is one of my favorites and I have a print of it framed on my living room wall.
We are in times that could be called trying, to say the least.  There are many things happening in the world that might be triggering us into feelings of anger, limited thinking, insecurity and fear just to name a few.  But, in these times, when we're feeling triggered into something that pulls us down instead of lifting us up, if we can stop, center ourselves, connect to our essence, and remember that, no matter what things might look like, love is all there is, we will move through this period of time with much more grace and ease.
My feeling is that, "In those times..."  refers to now.  In these times, these difficult times.  "We finally chose to walk like giants and hold the world in arms grown strong with love."  Yes, yes, yes.  "We finally chose...," yes, finally, but still made the choice.  It might have been a long time coming, but we finally made the choice for love.  Making the choice for love is a choice we can make in any moment, through any decision or action or thought throughout every day.  The choice for love is always there to be made.  And, it is my hope that we all find our way into being able to make that choice, not only more often, but consistently.
" walk like giants..." because when love is the guiding light, the awareness, the constant, we are like giants in terms of our impact and effect in the world.  "...and hold the world in arms grown strong with love."  When we embody the love that truly IS all creation, we're able to contain the All of it because we ARE the All of it.  Everything is grown stronger with love.
"And there may be many things we forget in the days to come,..."  These times will tempt us to forget who we are and what we want for ourselves.  We'll be pulled by the negativity that is being triggered by the immense amounts of light that are pouring into the planet.  And, sometimes we'll forget and backslide into it.  "...but this will not be one of them."  But, of all the things we might forget, let's be sure that love is not one of them.  Let's rest in the knowing that love is always present, and not allow ourselves to be convinced otherwise.
For all of us who are able to remember and hold the vibration of love, it falls to us to lift the others who have forgotten until they can remember as well.  And, if we're able to walk like giants and hold everything that's crying for love in our strong arms, then the cries will be answered and the memory will return and love will grow.  We can not curse the darkness because that gives it focus and power.  We have to light a candle.  We have to keep our heart flames lit and burning brightly.  We have to be beacons of love and light so that those who are lost can see us and find their way back.  We have to shine with everything we've got in order to dispel the forces that would take us down.  Yes, the darkness is there and must be acknowledged, but by shining our light into it and upon it we set it free.  We have to love it free.
So, make the choice for love, walk like giants in the world, contain the All in strong arms, and never forget.  Never forget.