It's Autumn, but instead of knowing that by the natural changes around me, I know it only by the date on the calendar. Autumn is my favorite season of the year and I'm missing it this year. September is always a reflective, melancholy time of year for me but, this year, is actually more so, in no small part due to the lack of noticeable Autumnal changes around me.
I'm on the Southern Pacific coast of Costa Rica, having moved here from France in April. I go where Life calls me, where the energy pulls me, where it lights up for me. But, that does not mean that I don't miss the places I've left, or long for things I've known in places other than where I am.
Costa Rica is very close to the equator. Because of this, we don't experience much difference in temperature or length of our days throughout the year. The change of season is determined by whether it is the rainy (green) or the dry season. Right now, it's the height of the rainy season. It's pouring torrentially outside as I write this. I'm hearing huge booms of thunder and seeing great cracks of lightning out my window. The sound of the rain hitting the roof of my little cabina can be deafening. The electricity blinks on and off.
One of the advantages of travel, and the kind of continual movement that my life has been, is that I get to know many different people and locations and types of culture and lifestyle. There are things to discover and love, no matter where one is, but there are also places to miss, and things to long for that one has known. I've learned that you can't really go back. Things change, people change, we change, and even when we do go back to places where we've lived or visited before, it's never quite the same. I've learned to do my best to enjoy each place as much as possible in the moment, because it won't come again. I've learned to do my best to appreciate where I am while I'm there.
Right now, though, I find myself missing the change in the angle of the sun, the way the light becomes softer and more diffused in Autumn. I'm missing the coolness coming back, the relief of the relentlessness of Summer. I'm missing the leaves changing and the brilliant, fiery colors of Fall. I'm missing putting on long pants, socks, and jackets again; putting duvets back onto the bed. And, as I look forward, I'm already missing the snapping cold of Winter, the bare trees, warm drinks, hats and gloves and boots.
I miss the seasons and the friends I've known and the vistas and the ways of all the places I've ever lived. I realize that I appreciate them all in hindsight so much more than in the times I was experiencing them on a daily basis. This doesn't mean I was unaware of each place's, or person's beauty and value, but familiarity tends to dull our senses a bit. Try as we might to stay present and mindful and grateful in each moment, we're not always fully successful in that effort. Distance, memory, and difference give us a particular frame of reference that allows us a deep appreciation for what has come before.
Sometimes the aching sensitivity and intensity with which I experience Life is a burden and, at other times, it's a gift. As with all things, there are different aspects we experience on different days and at different times. We're able to process things differently on different days; we're focused on different things at different times. Because Life includes all things, no day is the same. We never know the gifts and/or the sorrows that will knock on our door on any given day. The vast level of variation we are able to experience in one minute, let alone over longer periods of time, is what makes Life so complicated and interesting.
I'm experiencing Autumn as a memory this year. I'm reliving all the ways I've loved it in every place I've been during this special time of year. And, I encourage us all to enjoy wherever we are as deeply as we're able. To drink it in and absorb it and be grateful for it. Life is ever-changing, and the fleeting beauty of our days is something to be cherished. I'm grateful for where I am, I'm grateful for where I've been, and I look forward to wherever Life takes me next.
