Notes on the Journey

Monday, October 15, 2012

Constant Craving

When is it enough?  When have you had enough?  When are you satiated?  When do you stop...eating, drinking, smoking, using?  Fill in your own issue.  For those of us who tend to overdo it, those are important questions.  For those of us with addictive tendencies, or with full-blown addictions, these are pivotal questions.  What is it that can't be filled?  What is that place that's so empty nothing can fill it?  Or, what is it that we so don't want to see or acknowledge within ourselves?  The thing we run from and think that a huge intake of--fill in the blank--will cover, or subdue, or silence.

The horrible thing is though, that even if one has intellectual awareness about whatever the issue is that's demanding and demanding and demanding, it doesn't stop the demanding.  It doesn't stop the desire, the craving, the overpowering need.  And, when you know, and the need still overpowers you, you feel even worse.  Ignorance is bliss.  Once you know, there's only shame and guilt.  And, even if one is able to will themselves past the craving, the question of "enough" is never answered.  We could also ask, when is it enough shame...or, guilt?  What is that switch that gets flipped in some people that says "enough"?  And, if you don't have one, can you get one?

I think it's some kind of DNA lapse.  For those of us who don't have an "off" switch, maybe we just don't have a particular gene that other people have.  Why?  What kind of mutation is that?...not to have the "enough" barometer.

For me, the drug is food.  Carbohydrates and sweets mostly, although I can pretty much overdose on just about anything.  Sometimes I think denial is a good tactic, but that usually results in a binge on the other side.  Sometimes I think indulgence is a good tactic...just get it out of my system.  But, because the "enough" switch is broken, I've been known to indulge until I've made myself sick.  This might deter me for a short time from whatever it was I happened to be indulging in at the time, but even sickness doesn't drive home the idea of "enough."  I'll do it again.  Over and over.  Which is kind of the definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.  So, for me, my lack of an ability to determine when enough is enough is my own little slice of insanity.

Why should I have just one piece of pie when I can eat the whole thing?  Why stop at a couple of scoops of ice cream when I can eat a whole pint...or, more?  Once I get started, it's hard to stop.  Bet you can't have just one!  Well, with me, you'll win that bet every time.  I know it about myself, but it doesn't help.  I'll know I'm overdoing it, but keep going anyway.  Self-destructive insanity.

I'm really sane in other ways.  I'm smart and talented and perceptive.  I have wonderful friends and my life seems to work pretty well...at least, most of the time.  But then, there's this insane side of me that goes too far.

I've studied Energetic Healing modalities for many years, taken numerous classes, and learned many techniques.  I've had endless healing sessions with a wide variety of practitioners.  I've had deep awarenesses and huge internal leaps and shifts.  And, what I've come to with all of it is that it comes down to love and acceptance.  We have to accept something within ourselves...that it's there...that it's operating...that it's unlikely to change or go away.  The unlikely to change or go away part is disappointing, believe me, I know; but, it's mostly true.  The thing is though, that we can transform things through love.  We can love them free.  Once we see something, and then accept it, that part of the process opens us up to receiving the value behind it...whatever the "it" is.  Once we've received the value from it, we move into a place of gratitude, compassion and understanding, and from there love is a short step.  And, in that place of love, everything softens and opens up and loses its grip on us.

I might always want to eat more than I should.  And, I might always want to eat things that don't contribute much to being healthy.  But, once I'm able to bring the love fully to my empty place, I think the bottomless need will lose its power.  So, my tactic at this point is, when the need starts to rear its head, instead of going for the external self-medicating food item, I breathe love through my body.  I plug into that unlimited Source that's always there, and let that communion fill me instead of my usual go-tos.  I'm forming a new habit.  I'm listening to my internal cries and giving them the real food.  I'm soothing the hungry beast with the only thing that has the ability to satiate it...love.

It's my current experiment.  I'm in process with it.  I might win sometimes and I might lose sometimes, but I think I'm moving in a good direction overall.  I'm calling it the Love Diet.  And, I'm hoping I can love myself enough to set myself free from the bonds of my captor.  But, no matter what happens, I'll have upped my love quotient, which is the most important thing anyway.  If we can all up our love quotient, everything will be better.  So, my solution, to just about anything, is to give myself a love bath; to permeate myself with love; to stop, connect, and let the love flow.  Can you overdo it with love?  I don't think so.  This just may be where my lack of an "off" switch comes in handy.    

3 comments:

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  2. I relate to forming new habits--Thanks for this post. Edna

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  3. Thanks for your comment, Edna. I appreciate it.

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