I've been so emotional lately. I've attributed it to the fact that I'm moving and that so much is being triggered within me. And, that is true, but it's not the whole reason.
It occurred to me today that my heart is opening in new and unfamiliar ways. Because I'm not used to this new level of vulnerability and compassion, I experience it as emotion. I go through levels of this opening where I'm emotional and raw, and then I integrate that level and things calm down, and then a new opening occurs and the emotional rawness returns. I finally realized that it's waves of energy coming in and triggering heart openings. I've been integrating and welcoming home parts of myself that got broken off at various points of my life, leaving because the way things were didn't allow them to stay and blossom. And so, my heart has been required to open in order to love them home and expand so that the wholeness of me can be present and have expression. Or, maybe it's because my heart is opening that those parts of me are able to come home. I think it's a combination of both.
I'm more sensitive in general. Things touch me deeply, more deeply than before. I watched a video this morning that was included in the most recent newsletter I'd received from Krista Tippet and her "On Being" series. It was about a young (33) artist, Martha Depp, who had ovarian cancer and who was dying. Her brother made the video as a tribute to her and her art. She was a very talented painter. She is the one speaking in the video. She has a soft voice and a frail form, but what was also obvious was that she was strong and courageous and inspiring. She accepted her state and welcomed the release it would bring. And, she painted. She wanted to leave all her work complete. And, she accomplished that. I was so touched by her beauty and her courage and her deep acceptance that I wept. Not out of sadness, but because I felt expanded by her. I felt increased by just watching a six-minute video of her. Here is the link if you would like to experience this video: http://www.onbeing.org/blog/completely-free-be-vulnerable-martha-depp-art-and-cancer/2647
I'm more sensitive in my body and feel physical things, as well as energetic things, more than before. I seem to hear and see on deeper levels. And, it feels raw because this level of vulnerability, this state of less protection and more wholeness, is new and must be adjusted to. But, as I integrate these changes, I become more settled and calm within myself. I think we're all going through these changes. I'm not the only one who's experiencing this.
There is so much going on for each and every one of us. We're going through deep changes internally, and big changes externally. People are moving, changing jobs, moving on from long-term relationships, beginning new and maybe unlikely relationships, and changing outworn perceptions in general. Things are expanding for all of us very quickly on a global scale. It's because all of us are opening our hearts more and more, and the result of that is change. As our hearts open, we become more deeply aware of who we really are, and we realize that we've been living lives of adaptation, rather then lives of passion directed by our inner knowing. Passion can be wild or it can be quiet and intense. It is the deep flow of Life through each of us and our awareness of it and what it means. It's when we act from that inner knowing. Passion is true integrity.
It's not necessarily an easy transition from a life of adaptation to a life of passion, but it is a necessary one if we are ever to feel fully engaged with Life. It's painful to realize that we might have lived the life that was thrust upon us by family or society or circumstance, and that it was not, has not been, the life we would have chosen for ourselves if we'd felt we'd had a choice. But, we can always claim that life once the awareness of our adaptation becomes conscious. We can always let go and start over. We can always listen and act from our deepest place of connection to Life. And, as we make this fundamental change, we inspire others to do so as well. And, we contribute to a groundswell of passion that is birthing itself into the global collective.
I live a simple life at this point. It's what I want after what seems like a long period of living a life of much complication and adaptation. I've eliminated a lot from my life and gotten to know myself again, or maybe I should say, discovered my deeper Self in a way that I've not done up to this point. And, the simplicity of my life is allowing me to be fully present with all the changes that I'm going through, that we're all going through together. I'm so grateful for this time of real presence. It changes things and has helped me to reorient my priorities and to see what's really important. I used to be much more externally focused, even though I had an active internal life. But now, I am more internally focused, and the interesting result of that is that I'm even more present in the external. Who knew?
We're all on a journey of deep transformation and change. It has been going on for a long time, and will continue for a long time to come. We'll have times of respite in order to integrate and enjoy what we're going through, but we will keep plunging ahead and expanding and opening because we are alive, and Life is eternal and unending. Physical bodies will come and go, where we choose to embody will change, but Life will continue unabated, filled with mystery and growth and the pure joy of experience. We are Love embodied, and we're only just beginning to understand what that really means.
Right now, I'm grateful to be experiencing these waves of Love that wash through me and leave me changed forever. I'm grateful for simple things and a simple life that allows me to fully experience it. I'm grateful for this Life in this body, here and now, and for Life in general, in all the ways it manifests. I'm grateful for the level of acceptance I've reached and the lack of expectation I currently have. I am, once again, on my knees in gratitude.