Notes on the Journey

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Moving Forward

I'm emotional today.  Spirit is moving through me very strongly.  Some days I'm more focused on 3D things in the world, but today is an internal day, a 5D day.  The normal boundaries of things are a little fuzzy and a larger landscape overlays it all.  My heart is open and I'm overcome with gratitude.  Gratitude for things in particular, but not just that, it's more gratitude in general.

I'm moving.  I'm selling my house.  And, as I think about leaving my house, it makes me cry, but not in a bad way, in a grateful way.  I love this house.  It has nurtured me and given me sanctuary for the last three years.  When I walked into it the first time, I felt at home.  I knew it was my house.  It was empty and a mess of disorder and construction and things were torn apart, but none of that mattered, it was my house.

This house has loved me.  It opened itself to me and I received its gift.  It's held me and protected me and sheltered me.  It's surrounded me with its beauty, for it truly is a beautiful house.  I can't just live anywhere, I need a certain esthetic, and this house filled that esthetic perfectly.  It was everything I needed and wanted, and how many things can we say that about?

I nurtured it and improved it greatly while I lived here.  We lifted each other up.  The people who lived in it before me were abusive to it and a nuisance to the neighborhood.  I still hear stories about them when I talk to my neighbors.  But, when I moved into this house, it relaxed and felt soothed.  We were quiet together.  We created sacred space together.  We honored each other.

There is a Deva for every house and building, and other Devas in the yard.  I had a good relationship with the Devas of this house.  We respected each other.  They knew I loved the house and the land and would take care of them, and they welcomed me as part of the space.  I had plans for the house that I never had the opportunity to bring into being, but maybe the next owner will do them.  I hope they love the house as much as I have.

I had a break-in a week seems longer ago than that now...which was also a breakthrough.  I'm not moving because of that.  I was feeling a move coming before that, although I was languishing and not doing anything about it.  But, once the break-in happened, it gave me the push into motion I needed and the house will be on the market next week.  My friend recommended me to a wonderful realtor, who I feel very good about; and, things are moving forward in the way things do when it's their time.  I don't know how long it will take for the house to sell, but I feel the buyers are close.  It's already theirs and no longer mine.

I will be letting go of a lot of stuff in order to downsize and move into a smaller living space.  But, it feels good to be getting rid of a lot of the burden of stuff I've accumulated.  I love the deep cleansing and purging that a move requires.  Each thing must be noticed and considered.  Do I keep it?  Or, do I let it go?  Do I resonate with it?  Is it still mine?  Or, not.  Do I need it?  Or, is it just drag?  It's amazing how we collect things as we go and then forget we have them or lose our ability to let them go.  I've got things that haven't been touched the whole time I've lived here.  I've got closets full of stuff that's totally unnecessary.  I look at things and think, "Oh, I might need that."  But, I haven't needed it in three years.  Do I really need it?  I don't think so.  I look at other things and think, "Oh, that's so pretty."  But, I have plenty of pretty things.  I don't need drawers and closets full of them.

I confront the thought that says, "You might not be able to afford to buy that thing again."  But, that's just a thought based in fear and lack.  What I know is true, is that I'll always have what I need.  I always have and I always will.  Whatever I let go of now, if I need it again in the future, I'll be able to get it again.  I look at certain things and think, "I got such a good deal on that.  If I need it again, will I get such a good deal?"  But, that doesn't matter.  Getting a good deal on something is not a reason to keep it.  And, if I need it again, I might even get a better deal than I got the first time.  We can't know these things, and it doesn't matter.  We let things go and know they'll come again if we need them.  In the meantime, someone else needs these things and can put them to good use.  If we hold things out of the flow, we limit our own flow.

And so, I look around and mentally sift through what I think I'll keep and what needs to go.  Since the house hasn't sold yet, I haven't seriously looked for my next home, so I'm not sure what I'll need there.  But, I'm composing a list of the things I continue to resonate with, and another list of the things that are asking for their freedom.  Non-attachment.  I'm still working on that one.

A photographer is coming on Sunday to take photos of my house for the website my realtor is creating for it.  I'm cleaning and arranging and preparing.  I'm doing things that I've been thinking of doing for a long time, but for some reason of complacency have not gotten around to.  I'm sanding and patching and touching up with paint a few spots that are calling for it.  Why didn't I do these things for myself?  Why was it good enough for me, but it's not good enough for whoever will buy the house?  I want to hide her flaws, cover her old wounds so the new buyers won't see what she's been through.  Make her look her best.  Spruce her up to show her off.  Look at how beautiful and perfect she is!  See how she draws you in and puts her arms around you!

She will choose her new owners.  She will feel into and sift through those who come to see her.  She will make her choice and open her arms to the new ones who will live in her and love her.  And, they will feel her reach out to them.  They will hear her and respond.  They will feel drawn and compelled for reasons they might not understand, but they will know she's theirs.  Maybe they will stay longer than I have.  I feel a bit like a fickle lover, moving on so soon.  But, I'm more of a renter than an owner.  I like the freedom of renting over the commitment and responsibility of owning a house.  I never know when my gypsy blood will stir and I'll be off to some new place.

Right now I'm craving more proximity to the mountains.  I want to be on the outskirts of town rather than in the center of it.  I want smaller and more intimate and manageable, rather than larger and more expansive.  I can feel myself going into an internal mode because of what it's going to take to write the script that's been gestating in me for so long.  And, I need a different space in order to bring it into being.  There's a space opening for me right now, that will call me to it at the perfect moment.  It will sing to me and I will hear it and find it among the many.  And, it will be my nest while I birth the script that is ready to be born.

It's taken me twelve years of working with the books I have the rights to; twelve years of initiations; twelve years of traveling around the world and remembering and imprinting; twelve years of frustration; twelve years of confusion; twelve years of growth and transformation to get here.  But, it's finally opened itself to me and started talking.  There are no words to convey the relief and gratitude that wells up in me to have reached the point where it wants to be born.  The new field is here and able to nurture and support it in a way that wasn't possible previously.

These books, this story, has lived me and pushed me and grown me into who I need to be to receive it.  I had to let go of everything that has come before, and I'm still letting go.  I've had to give up thinking I know so that the story could reveal itself to me.  I've had to cleanse and heal myself so that I could hear the story clearly.  I've had to go through certain experiences so that I could understand the characters more deeply.  I've had to open the space.  But now, everything I've been through is making sense.  Everything I've been through is ready to be utilized.

I don't know how many stories I'll get to tell in this life.  There are many that need telling.  But, for now, I'm focused on the one in front of me.  Stories choose us as much as we choose them, just like houses.  This is the one that's called me and given itself to me, as I have given myself to it.  This is the one I've developed a relationship with, the one that finally trusts me to tell it.  This is the one I resonate with.

And so, I move forward.  The lull between letting go of the past and embracing the now is done.  I've traveled enough.  I've rested enough.  I've processed enough.  I've integrated enough.  I've waited long enough.  The doors open and I walk through, into what I'm not sure, but I don't need to know, it will reveal itself to me as I go, because that's the way it works, especially now that the new field has established itself.  Ama Ra, that's the name of the new field, that's how we can call her.  And, as we use her name, we bring her more fully into being.  We acknowledge her and make her real to us.  We move into her and leave the old paradigm behind.  We see the possibilities she offers and we open to them.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and I couldn't be feeling more grateful.  The list of things to be grateful for is endless, with life itself at the top.  I'm grateful to be alive and to have the awareness that opens into a field of gratitude.  I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving, however you spend it.  And, whatever you do, take a few minutes to reflect on all the blessings you have to be grateful for and give thanks. 

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