Notes on the Journey

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

The Break-in

My house was broken into yesterday morning...while I was here.  It started with persistent doorbell ringing, which I chose to ignore.  Mistake.  (The police later told me that had I answered the door, the potential intruder would have gone on to another house.)  Then, minutes later, I heard loud unidentifiable sounds, which, as it turns out, were made by the intruder breaking a double-paned, front side office window with a brick.

I was in the back of the house in my bedroom and bathroom when this was going on, but when I heard the loud noises, I thought I'd better go check out what was happening.  My first thought was that the doorbell ringing had been my next door neighbor who'd come over to tell me that he was going to be doing some construction on his house that day.  But, no.

As I started to walk out of my bedroom, I was confronted by the intruder who was walking into my bedroom.  I had a moment of initial confusion as to why someone I didn't know was in my house, then the thought of "how did they get in?" followed.  The next thing that happened was anger and adrenaline surged in my system and I started yelling at my unexpected visitor, "What are you doing here?  What are you doing here?"  My presence and loud yelling frightened him and he turned and ran away from me.  I followed his retreating figure into the front of the house.

I have no idea why the words "What are you doing here?" were the ones to come out of my mouth, other than that the initial confusion of who he was and how he'd gotten in was still operating.  And, even though, after the first few seconds had passed, I did have the awareness that the person was an uninvited intruder, the question continued to loop through my addled brain.  I find it interesting that I didn't scream in terror and run away from him.  Instead, I yelled loudly in anger and went after him.  I'm lucky that my presence and yelling frightened him and that he ran from me, because I have no idea what I would have done if he'd chosen differently.  But, he ran through the house and back out the broken window through which he'd come in, fleeing into the backyard and jumping over my six-foot wall into my neighbor's yard and out into the alley behind my house, leaving me uninjured and everything in the house untouched, except for the broken window.

We don't know what we'll do until confronted by an event or situation that reveals to us unknown parts of ourselves.  How would you react if a burglar entered your house while you were there?  Let me answer that for you...you don't know.  You can imagine and surmise and intellectualize what you think you might do, but you actually have no idea.  And, when confronted with something that triggers adrenaline rushing through your system and an action that needs to be taken, for most of us, our conscious mental processes go into instinctual mode and fight or flight responses take over.  Whether we fight or flee in any particular circumstance is unknown until we're there.  I hope you don't have to find out what you'd do.  I hope you're not confronted by a situation that shows you.

I immediately called 911 and I'm beyond grateful for the wonderful man on the other end of that line.  As the adrenaline drains from your system, the fear and the peril of the reality of the situation sinks in.  And, in my case, I started to hyperventilate and dissolve into tears.  The wonderful man on the other side of that phone line calmly talked to me and kept me from flying off into other dimensions.  He stayed on the phone with me until the police officer arrived, God bless him.  If you've never had to call 911, you might not realize how miraculous it is to connect to that person in the midst of personal trauma.  I'm on my knees grateful for him and all those who work the phone lines.

The police officer who arrived quite quickly was also wonderful and reassuring and comforting.  He calmly walked me through everything and had me fill out a report.  Another officer arrived a bit later who dusted for fingerprints and investigated the scene more completely.  Both of them were exceptional, calming and supportive.  If you've never needed a quick response from the police, you might not realize how miraculous it is to have them show up.  I immediately felt safe and protected in their presence.  And, I'm on my knees grateful for them and for all of the police officers who put themselves on the line for each and every one of us everyday.

After the police left, I called to have the window replaced and the technician showed up within minutes.  It wasn't long before I had a new window installed.  I tore my office apart and cleaned up all the broken glass from the break-in and mopped the floor.  Visually, except for the broken glass outside the window that had inextricably mixed in with the pebbles there, everything was back to the way it should be and there was no further evidence that my home had been invaded.

The evidence at this point was internal.  By this time, it was almost five hours after the incident and I still hadn't reached a place of equilibrium.  I hadn't had anything to eat or drink and, suddenly, I was ravenous.  I hadn't had a shower yet and, even though I longed to feel the water wash over me, I was still feeling too vulnerable to let that happen.  So, eating came first.  The familiar process of cooking was calming and grounding, and, as the food entered my system, I could feel myself reground into my body and start to stabilize.  Gratitude for the realization that I was okay and that my cats were okay and that my house was okay and that nothing had been destroyed or taken started to settle in.  It could have been so much worse.

I'm still processing the fear and insecurity the incident triggered.  Getting to sleep last night was not easy, but once I was asleep, I slept soundly.  The saying of "having been put through the ringer" has a more visceral interpretation for me now.  I find myself hyper-reactive to the sounds I hear in my house.  I keep looking out the windows to make sure no one is slinking around where they shouldn't be.  I don't want to leave the house, although I have to later today.  The worst part of these types of events is that they shake you to your core.  Your confidence and internal sense of security in the world is shaken.  Your sense of trust is weakened.  And, that weird bubble we form around ourselves that says, "This or that won't happen to me" is shattered forever.  In fact, your reality as you've known it before is shattered forever, and will reform itself into something new.

But, the fact of getting snapped into the realization that we are vulnerable and that anything could happen at any time is not a bad thing.  The result of more awareness and more vigilance is not a bad thing.  I'm angry that the intruder took my illusion of safety from me, but it's not a bad thing.

I smudged the house with sage, I sprayed lavender all over in every room, and I used sound in the form of an Oriental ringing ball to break up the energies of fear, desperation, lack, limitation and victimization that had been left in the wake of the intrusion.  I prayed unrelentingly, for myself and for the intruder.  I realized that the only security I have is the internal security I carry within myself; and, that there is no security in physical things.  And so, I lean into my core and my connection to Life and All That Is.  I release from within myself all the old patterns that might have drawn this experience to me.  I give thanks for it, that it brought me into awareness about the issues that are still operating within me in regard to fear, desperation, lack, limitation, and victimization.  I work with Saint Germaine and the Violet Consuming Flame to cleanse and purge from my system anything that limits or weakens me in any way, anything that disempowers me or blocks the full flow of Life through me.  I invoke the help of angels and of all my unseen, multidimensional guides and teachers.  I take nothing for granted.

And so, today my world is new.  Today I see and perceive differently.  Today I feel more connected to Life and the Power behind, and inherent within, all creation.  And, today I move forward, not as a victim, but even more empowered within myself than I was before.  Even more connected.  Even more aware.  Stronger.  Conscious.  Cleansed.  Renewed.  Grateful.

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