In my last posting, I wrote about the loss of the markers in my life that had previously defined me. I also wrote about the possibility that no new markers would show up, and I'm beginning to think that that is more the probability than not. It is actually my hope. Because the markers are limitations that hold me prisoner to myself...in the small sense.
Today, I read something in "Mind Beyond Death" by Dzogchen Ponlop, that has moved me somewhat out of the need for further markers, or to think that there's any definition of who I am. I'm going to quote it here:
"Ultimately, what we call 'life' is just an illusion of continuity--a succession of moments, a stream of thoughts, emotions and memories, which we feel is our possession. And therefore we, too, spring into existence, as the possessors of that continuity. However, upon examination, we discover that that continuity is dreamlike, illusory. It is not a continuous or substantial reality. It consists of single moments, which arise, dissolve and arise again, like waves on an ocean. Therefore, this 'I' arises and dissolves in each moment as well. It does not continue from one moment to the next. The 'I' of one moment dissolves, and is gone. The 'I' of the next moment arises afresh. These two 'I's cannot be said to be the same or different, yet they are identified by conceptual mind as a single, continuous self: 'Yes, this is me..."
I was so grateful to read this, just at this moment, when who I am anymore is in question. The idea of not holding on to any concepts of who I think I am is so relieving. To die to each passing moment and to be reborn in the one that follows is so freeing. I don't need to know who I am in any kind of mental, conceptual way. This leaves the whole scope of being and experience open to me each and every moment. There is no, "I don't do that" or "I do that" or "I'm that" or "I'm not that." There's just being, pure and simple. No preconceptions, no concepts or ideas about should or shouldn't being based on who I think I am. The only continuity is the flow of Life itself, but who I am within it can and does change in every moment.
I suddenly feel free to allow each day to show up however it does and to respond to what shows up without the overlay of thinking I'm anything specific within it. To drop the illusion that I am or need to be anything other than alive and present takes away expectation and judgment, takes it out of the realm of mind and into the realm of pure experience. The mind is always trying to make sense of things and set up relativities and conistencies and categories. When we exist in the realm of mind, we base what we're experiencing on what has gone before...we make judgments, we come to conclusions, we have expectations of how things should or shouldn't happen. But, when we let the realm of mind drop away, along with all the inherent illusions it harbors, then we are open to the purity of whatever is happening as it happens.
I'm not saying, "Don't tether the camels." But, what I'm discovering is that there is a way of being in the world that is about receiving each and every moment in its purity. That I don't need to hold myself, or anyone else, to anything that has gone before. I'm not defined by past experiences and external events and the perceptions of others, I'm not defined by anything. Because I'm more than any definition is able to capture. This developing awareness has freedom at the center of it, and I'm very excited about where it's taking me. And, it not only takes me into freedom, it allows me to release everyone I know from any concepts of who I hold them to be. Everyone is free to rebirth themselves in each and every moment.
Wow.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
You Gotta Get Up
I write when the words start forming themselves in my mind. And, they haven't been forming lately. My outer life and my internal landscape have been very quiet. But, in contemplating the following quote from Rabindranath Tagore, some words started to form.
"Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it."
Yes, I thought as I read it. Please let me always remember this. But, I also realized that I have often prayed to be sheltered from dangers and for my pain to be still. I've often asked that things happen in ease and grace, to be made as easy and smooth as possible. And, I have often not handled my pain very well, yearning to be released from it, to escape it, to deny it, to do everything possible other than be with it.
As much as I want life to be easy and pleasant, I know that my deepest growth has come through adversity and pain. Adversity and pain are the things that demand that we push through the limitations of our understanding and our stamina, that demand that we break through to new personal paradigms of reality, that demand that we dig deep into who we are, and reshape ourselves in order to triumph. Without the demands made through adversity and pain, we stagnate. I'm not saying I'm not for breaks in the onslaught, but in general, if we're not challenged often enough to push us forward, it feels like pointless existence.
I've gone through so many changes over the last six or seven months that it feels like the basis of my reality has been pulled away. All the markers that structured my previous reality are gone, and so I'm rather adrift in the cosmic void until new markers show up. And, I don't know that any new markers will show up, at least in the way I was used to seeing them. It's a new world and an entirely different frequency that we currently exist within, and it's changing as I write this; therefore, the structure of our lives, and the way we're used to seeing that structure, are also changing. I think the current challenge is to accept the unknown and the fluid quality of life and trust that things are moving ahead exactly as they need to. I get this intellectually, but integrating this concept is more difficult.
My current context of growth is to let go of the past and trust in Life itself enough to accept each day as it comes; to be unconcerned about what, if any, direction my life might be taking at this juncture, and to enjoy the journey. But, the letting go is not so easy, my level of trust and surrender is spotty, and enjoying the journey is proving to be much more challenging than I would have thought. I do have glimpses of release and moments of pure joy, but they don't stick around, they come and go. Although, as I'm writing this, I realize that my concept of what I think should be consistent needs to go. Humans love consistency, but that's not always the way, nor should it be. Which is why we need to be fully present with whatever feelings of release and joy we get, as well as any other feelings or experiences. Most things are fleeting, and best to be received as fully as possible in the moment they visit us...adversity and pain included.
And so, I realize that I've often prayed and begged and wished for things to be easy and safe rather than developing the fearlessness that would allow me to face whatever comes head on. And, I've also prayed and begged and groveled for release from pain, on all its levels, rather than developing the depth of heart that would allow me to bear it in grace, or conquer it altogether. In that way, I've been focusing on my personality's wants instead of my soul's needs. But, it's time for the personality to step back and for the soul to step forward. It's time to grow up, to stop complaining and avoiding and move forward in trust, both in Life and in myself, which might be the same thing. No excuses or explanations, but acceptance and receptivity.
I might stumble and fall, but as Ben Affleck said last night in his Academy Award acceptance speech for his win for "Argo" for Best Picture of 2013, "It doesn't matter how you get knocked down in life, 'cause that's gonna happen. All that matters is that you gotta get up."
"Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it."
Yes, I thought as I read it. Please let me always remember this. But, I also realized that I have often prayed to be sheltered from dangers and for my pain to be still. I've often asked that things happen in ease and grace, to be made as easy and smooth as possible. And, I have often not handled my pain very well, yearning to be released from it, to escape it, to deny it, to do everything possible other than be with it.
As much as I want life to be easy and pleasant, I know that my deepest growth has come through adversity and pain. Adversity and pain are the things that demand that we push through the limitations of our understanding and our stamina, that demand that we break through to new personal paradigms of reality, that demand that we dig deep into who we are, and reshape ourselves in order to triumph. Without the demands made through adversity and pain, we stagnate. I'm not saying I'm not for breaks in the onslaught, but in general, if we're not challenged often enough to push us forward, it feels like pointless existence.
I've gone through so many changes over the last six or seven months that it feels like the basis of my reality has been pulled away. All the markers that structured my previous reality are gone, and so I'm rather adrift in the cosmic void until new markers show up. And, I don't know that any new markers will show up, at least in the way I was used to seeing them. It's a new world and an entirely different frequency that we currently exist within, and it's changing as I write this; therefore, the structure of our lives, and the way we're used to seeing that structure, are also changing. I think the current challenge is to accept the unknown and the fluid quality of life and trust that things are moving ahead exactly as they need to. I get this intellectually, but integrating this concept is more difficult.
My current context of growth is to let go of the past and trust in Life itself enough to accept each day as it comes; to be unconcerned about what, if any, direction my life might be taking at this juncture, and to enjoy the journey. But, the letting go is not so easy, my level of trust and surrender is spotty, and enjoying the journey is proving to be much more challenging than I would have thought. I do have glimpses of release and moments of pure joy, but they don't stick around, they come and go. Although, as I'm writing this, I realize that my concept of what I think should be consistent needs to go. Humans love consistency, but that's not always the way, nor should it be. Which is why we need to be fully present with whatever feelings of release and joy we get, as well as any other feelings or experiences. Most things are fleeting, and best to be received as fully as possible in the moment they visit us...adversity and pain included.
And so, I realize that I've often prayed and begged and wished for things to be easy and safe rather than developing the fearlessness that would allow me to face whatever comes head on. And, I've also prayed and begged and groveled for release from pain, on all its levels, rather than developing the depth of heart that would allow me to bear it in grace, or conquer it altogether. In that way, I've been focusing on my personality's wants instead of my soul's needs. But, it's time for the personality to step back and for the soul to step forward. It's time to grow up, to stop complaining and avoiding and move forward in trust, both in Life and in myself, which might be the same thing. No excuses or explanations, but acceptance and receptivity.
I might stumble and fall, but as Ben Affleck said last night in his Academy Award acceptance speech for his win for "Argo" for Best Picture of 2013, "It doesn't matter how you get knocked down in life, 'cause that's gonna happen. All that matters is that you gotta get up."
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Free, At Last
I let go of something today...something big. Something I'd been carrying for a long time. Something that I'd been excited about in the beginning, but something that had started to feel like a heavy burden. It started to feel like a "have to" and a "should do" rather than a "want to." And, the new field doesn't support the "have to's" and the "should do's." The new field supports what's true, what comes from our hearts, what we want, not something we've taken on for reasons other than heart's desire.
This project that I've put down, came to me at a time when I felt that I had nothing. It gave me something to hold on to when I needed to hold on to something. It gave me hope and something to work toward, to grow into. It connected me to deeper things within myself and was the context for my growth for the last twelve years. It took me on a number of trips around the globe. It became the basis of some wonderful, and I hope lasting, relationships. It was the thing that kept me going, and also the thing that got me to stop when it was time to stop. And, as it showed me that I needed to let go of script supervising, it's now showing me that I need to let go of it as well. I need to lay down the burden it's become, to walk away from the pressure of it, to allow a new way of life and a new focus to show itself.
I'm in a place that demands that everything that is a "have to" or a "should" or has the feel of pressure connected to it, has to go. I've spent my life doing things I had to do, that I should do, that were necessary, that were expected, that were requested, and that seemed like the "right" thing to do. I've existed under the pressure of living up to a set of expectations that are built on illusion, and it's time to stop. Just stop. It's time to really set myself free. To climb out from under anything that feels constrictive in any way. To let the great unknown spread out before me on a daily basis and see what shows up without the burden of anything in its way.
And so, I let go. I let go of the thing that's been my guiding force for so long I thought I'd die if I put it down. I thought I would be a failure if I put it down. But, I'm still alive. And, it's been a learning, not a failure. We live and we learn and we try things and we let go and we try new things. I don't know why we hold on so hard sometimes, but it's feeling like it's getting easier to let go. The holding on was part of the old field, and the new field is helping us to let go. And, as painful as it can be to let go sometimes, it's also a relief.
As soon as I realized it was time to say "no" to something that I'd said "yes" to for so long, I relaxed. Tension flooded out of my body. My lungs opened up and I could breathe. I'd been in resistance for a long time and was starting to feel paralized, and I didn't understand why. But, once I saw that the "no" was in resistance to something I felt I "had" to do, I also saw how that resistance had spread to the rest of my life. And, until I became aware of the underlying "no," my life would stay on hold. Today, I woke up. As of today, the "no" is no longer hidden and acting out on the rest of my life. I've acknowledged and honored the "no" for what it's really saying "no" to, and now my life can begin again.
Happiness and joy are creeping in. Excitement for the unknown is creeping in. The concept that I now have choice that is unburdened by any "shoulds" is dawning on me. I'm starting to see what real freedom comes out of. And, to give myself the gift of real freedom, feels very self-loving. I've let myself off the hook. I've stepped off my own personal cross. And, a new path is open before me. Where it leads has yet to be revealed, but as I walk forward into that unknown, at least I feel free. Free, at last.
This project that I've put down, came to me at a time when I felt that I had nothing. It gave me something to hold on to when I needed to hold on to something. It gave me hope and something to work toward, to grow into. It connected me to deeper things within myself and was the context for my growth for the last twelve years. It took me on a number of trips around the globe. It became the basis of some wonderful, and I hope lasting, relationships. It was the thing that kept me going, and also the thing that got me to stop when it was time to stop. And, as it showed me that I needed to let go of script supervising, it's now showing me that I need to let go of it as well. I need to lay down the burden it's become, to walk away from the pressure of it, to allow a new way of life and a new focus to show itself.
I'm in a place that demands that everything that is a "have to" or a "should" or has the feel of pressure connected to it, has to go. I've spent my life doing things I had to do, that I should do, that were necessary, that were expected, that were requested, and that seemed like the "right" thing to do. I've existed under the pressure of living up to a set of expectations that are built on illusion, and it's time to stop. Just stop. It's time to really set myself free. To climb out from under anything that feels constrictive in any way. To let the great unknown spread out before me on a daily basis and see what shows up without the burden of anything in its way.
And so, I let go. I let go of the thing that's been my guiding force for so long I thought I'd die if I put it down. I thought I would be a failure if I put it down. But, I'm still alive. And, it's been a learning, not a failure. We live and we learn and we try things and we let go and we try new things. I don't know why we hold on so hard sometimes, but it's feeling like it's getting easier to let go. The holding on was part of the old field, and the new field is helping us to let go. And, as painful as it can be to let go sometimes, it's also a relief.
As soon as I realized it was time to say "no" to something that I'd said "yes" to for so long, I relaxed. Tension flooded out of my body. My lungs opened up and I could breathe. I'd been in resistance for a long time and was starting to feel paralized, and I didn't understand why. But, once I saw that the "no" was in resistance to something I felt I "had" to do, I also saw how that resistance had spread to the rest of my life. And, until I became aware of the underlying "no," my life would stay on hold. Today, I woke up. As of today, the "no" is no longer hidden and acting out on the rest of my life. I've acknowledged and honored the "no" for what it's really saying "no" to, and now my life can begin again.
Happiness and joy are creeping in. Excitement for the unknown is creeping in. The concept that I now have choice that is unburdened by any "shoulds" is dawning on me. I'm starting to see what real freedom comes out of. And, to give myself the gift of real freedom, feels very self-loving. I've let myself off the hook. I've stepped off my own personal cross. And, a new path is open before me. Where it leads has yet to be revealed, but as I walk forward into that unknown, at least I feel free. Free, at last.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
I Love the World
I love the world. There are spiritual disciplines that say we shouldn't love the world, that we should love "heaven," whatever that is. I haven't consciously experienced heaven anywhere but here on Earth, so I don't know about the other heaven...the one we go to when we drop this physical vehicle. I'm sure it's nice there, people who've had what we call near-death experiences say it's beautiful beyond description. And, when I have that experience, I'm sure it will be wonderful. But, right now, I love the world. I love Earth.
I love the contrasts. I love the choices. I love the endless experiences and the constantly changing contexts. I love the unsurpassing beauty that just takes your breath away. I love the huge variety of life forms that populate this amazing planet. I love the green of the forests and the meadows. I love the brown starkness of the deserts. I love the mountain ranges and the sweeping valleys. I love the oceans and the rivers and all the bodies of water. I love the animals, and most especially the animals I have the blessing to live with. I love the people, as exasperating as they can be sometimes. But, people can also be amazing and loving and generous and supportive.
I love the whole 3D experience. I'm very aware of it because it's going away. We're moving into 5D, and I know that is going to be amazing because I've had experiences of it, but it will be amazing in its own way, not in the way we're used to in 3D. I'm grateful that I'm aware of what's happening and can truly let the love I have for 3D have it's full expression as it's on its way out. I'm grateful for everything we have here. I'm grateful for being here in a body at this time. And, the love I'm experiencing for this journey and this place fills me to overflowing.
I had a horrible day today, and the horribleness started early and lasted for way too long. I had a frustrating, fruitless, angry, efforting, out-of-sync, misaligned, cranky, terrible day. It didn't have to be that way, but that's the way it was because of the way I reacted to things that happened. As I look back over the day, I realize it could have been a very different day had I been responding to what was happening instead of in reaction to it. But, reaction was the order of the day. My attachment to the way I wanted things to be was very strong today. This was not a bob and flow day, a day in which I adapted to what was happening with grace and acceptance; it was a day in which I met most of what happened with great resistance, and whatever grace there was had nothing to do with me.
You don't plan these types of days. You don't get up and consciously decide to have a bad day, but they happen anyway. And, whatever initiation was up for me today, I certainly wasn't ready for it; it caught me off guard and ground me into dust. And, when I look back at the events of the day, I marvel at how little it took to grind me into dust. Poof! And, I'm dust. Where is that core strength when I need it? No where to be found today. Thank goodness, by now, I've worn myself out and don't have the strength to fight anymore. The day is over, the resistance gone, and all that's left is an aching tiredness.
But, the amazing thing is, that in the aftermath of my battle through this day, there is a quiet, and my heart is open and filled with love. How did that happen? How did I go from the depths of darkness of my ego personality into the depths of the lightness of my soul? I don't know. I didn't consciously do a thing to facilitate that transformation, it happened all on its own. A miracle. And, I'm grateful. Grace has finally found me, even though I did everything to avoid it. The relief is huge. Life please save me from another day like today. But, Life won't save me, not from another day like today, or from anything else, because Life contains it all. Life doesn't differentiate between good and bad, Life just is. It was my decision to label today bad. It was my decision to go into reaction to the things that presented themselves. It could have been a completely different day had I made different decisions.
We're never victims, although there are times and days we'd like to think so, and react as if we are. But, we're not. No matter what happens, we're not. And, there are days like today to help me remember that. All of what was up today for me was up because it was asking permission to go, but I guess I wasn't quite ready to let it go, because instead of saying thanks and good bye, I got caught in it and went into reaction instead. But, I'll get another chance. It will all come up again and ask to go in another way and on another day, and I'll get to see if I'm ready to say good bye or not at that time. Life just keeps giving us chances. Over and over and over. It's like our very own personal "Groundhog Day." That's a reference to a movie for those of you who haven't seen it. And, if you haven't seen it, I would highly recommend it. It's a very spiritual movie in very funny clothing.
I'm grateful that love has again found a place in my heart and has expanded itself into fullness. I'm grateful that I no longer feel like a raw nerve running around. I'm grateful that, in my exhaustion, I've settled into a loving and expansive state. And, right now, I'm loving life; I'm loving the world. All of it.
I love the contrasts. I love the choices. I love the endless experiences and the constantly changing contexts. I love the unsurpassing beauty that just takes your breath away. I love the huge variety of life forms that populate this amazing planet. I love the green of the forests and the meadows. I love the brown starkness of the deserts. I love the mountain ranges and the sweeping valleys. I love the oceans and the rivers and all the bodies of water. I love the animals, and most especially the animals I have the blessing to live with. I love the people, as exasperating as they can be sometimes. But, people can also be amazing and loving and generous and supportive.
I love the whole 3D experience. I'm very aware of it because it's going away. We're moving into 5D, and I know that is going to be amazing because I've had experiences of it, but it will be amazing in its own way, not in the way we're used to in 3D. I'm grateful that I'm aware of what's happening and can truly let the love I have for 3D have it's full expression as it's on its way out. I'm grateful for everything we have here. I'm grateful for being here in a body at this time. And, the love I'm experiencing for this journey and this place fills me to overflowing.
I had a horrible day today, and the horribleness started early and lasted for way too long. I had a frustrating, fruitless, angry, efforting, out-of-sync, misaligned, cranky, terrible day. It didn't have to be that way, but that's the way it was because of the way I reacted to things that happened. As I look back over the day, I realize it could have been a very different day had I been responding to what was happening instead of in reaction to it. But, reaction was the order of the day. My attachment to the way I wanted things to be was very strong today. This was not a bob and flow day, a day in which I adapted to what was happening with grace and acceptance; it was a day in which I met most of what happened with great resistance, and whatever grace there was had nothing to do with me.
You don't plan these types of days. You don't get up and consciously decide to have a bad day, but they happen anyway. And, whatever initiation was up for me today, I certainly wasn't ready for it; it caught me off guard and ground me into dust. And, when I look back at the events of the day, I marvel at how little it took to grind me into dust. Poof! And, I'm dust. Where is that core strength when I need it? No where to be found today. Thank goodness, by now, I've worn myself out and don't have the strength to fight anymore. The day is over, the resistance gone, and all that's left is an aching tiredness.
But, the amazing thing is, that in the aftermath of my battle through this day, there is a quiet, and my heart is open and filled with love. How did that happen? How did I go from the depths of darkness of my ego personality into the depths of the lightness of my soul? I don't know. I didn't consciously do a thing to facilitate that transformation, it happened all on its own. A miracle. And, I'm grateful. Grace has finally found me, even though I did everything to avoid it. The relief is huge. Life please save me from another day like today. But, Life won't save me, not from another day like today, or from anything else, because Life contains it all. Life doesn't differentiate between good and bad, Life just is. It was my decision to label today bad. It was my decision to go into reaction to the things that presented themselves. It could have been a completely different day had I made different decisions.
We're never victims, although there are times and days we'd like to think so, and react as if we are. But, we're not. No matter what happens, we're not. And, there are days like today to help me remember that. All of what was up today for me was up because it was asking permission to go, but I guess I wasn't quite ready to let it go, because instead of saying thanks and good bye, I got caught in it and went into reaction instead. But, I'll get another chance. It will all come up again and ask to go in another way and on another day, and I'll get to see if I'm ready to say good bye or not at that time. Life just keeps giving us chances. Over and over and over. It's like our very own personal "Groundhog Day." That's a reference to a movie for those of you who haven't seen it. And, if you haven't seen it, I would highly recommend it. It's a very spiritual movie in very funny clothing.
I'm grateful that love has again found a place in my heart and has expanded itself into fullness. I'm grateful that I no longer feel like a raw nerve running around. I'm grateful that, in my exhaustion, I've settled into a loving and expansive state. And, right now, I'm loving life; I'm loving the world. All of it.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Live Strong
I'm damaged. It's 46 degrees in Albuquerque and I think it's warm. I've even got the door to the balcony open. In California, this would be cold. I think my blood has gotten thicker. And, five thousand feet seems normal; except I'm still trying to work out the effects the altitude has on cooking and baking.
I've been cooking. Amazing for me. I haven't cooked to any extent for over thirty years. When I was working, I didn't have time. And, when I was off, I didn't want to. The mentality when I was off work was to enjoy every second of it and rest as much as possible, because when the next job came, I wouldn't have a second to myself. But now, I have time and I'm actually enjoying being in the kitchen and cooking. My friend, Judi, gave me a series of cooking lessons for Christmas and it's been so much fun learning to cook and trying things out. There's something very Zen about cooking...washing, chopping, mixing, stirring. And, it's so satisfying when it turns out well and tastes delicious.
But, I do find cooking for other people to be more fun than just cooking for myself. Plus, when I cook for myself, there's usually too much food, and I'm not always able to eat it before it starts to go bad. I'm learning to freeze things, which is also new for me; and, particularly helpful when I end up with too much food. I'm getting ready to bake bread. I've pulled out some recipes and my friend, Mary Karen, who makes the most delicious bread, has given me her recipe, so now it's time to try it.
I made bread in my early twenties in my hippie days, but it never turned out that well. It was very dense and the loaves were always too small. I think I didn't get the rising and punching down part right. But now, I'm ready to try again. Hopefully, my touch will have improved with age.
I've felt very solitary lately, and spending time in the kitchen cooking and baking has been very nurturing. My adjustment to not working in the way I'm used to is still an ongoing process. I've got this misconception about how at some point the adjustment will end and I'll get into some kind of groove with it, but I think not. I think the process of living, which is what it is, will continue unabated, and that the adjustment to what each day presents will be a constant unknown. It's very 3D of me to think that at some point I'll know what's supposed to happen every day; to think that my adjustment to being retired from script supervising is a finite thing.
The truth is, there is no normal, there never has been. There is no end to adjustment to daily life, and no known future stretching out before me. But, there is more comfort with the unknown, and I like being able to create each day as I want depending on what shows up or how I feel. I still struggle somewhat with guilt over what I "should" be doing instead of what I am doing, but I'm getting better with that.
I watched the Lance Armstrong interviews with Oprah on television the last couple of nights. His mistakes are huge, but we've all made huge mistakes. The difference is that his process is playing out on the world stage. We've all lied. Maybe not to the extent he did, but we've done it none the less. We've all hurt and betrayed people, sometimes knowing we were doing it, and sometimes doing it out of ignorance and unconsciousness. And, many of us have doped; maybe not in competitive sports in order to gain an advantage, but doped none the less. And, we've all done things we knew were wrong in order to gain an advantage. We've all been in denial in any number of ways. It takes courage for any of us to come clean after perpetuating a lie, but it takes particular courage to come clean on the level that Lance Armstrong is doing it.
I'm amazed that the interview with Oprah went over two nights and lasted for two and a half hours. After watching it, I felt it was a bit over done. Too fine a point had been put on it. Too much public humiliation had happened. Digging for details of the offenses and asking how he feels and what he's said to his children seemed overly invasive. I thought he handled himself very well under what must have been intense pressure, but he's honed that skill over a lifetime. All he can really say is that he lied and acted very badly and hurt a lot of people and reiterate over and over how sorry he is for doing it. Coming into consciousness and taking responsibility for his past transgressions is probably not enough for a lot of people though. We tend to want to punish people for their mistakes, to make sure they're feeling enough shame and guilt over what they've done. This behavior makes the recovery very difficult for whoever is being crucified in the moment. But, I do feel that Lance Armstrong has the ability to recover and live a different life, no matter how hard people would like to make it for him to do so.
Lance Armstrong has had two big wakeup calls in his life...cancer, and the revelation of his lying and doping. How many wakeup calls have we all had? I've had multiple wakeup calls, and I can't say I've always paid attention to them, which is why they've come again and again and gotten worse and worse until I did. Who of us is able to throw the stone? Truthfully, none of us. We would all do much better to take what's happening to Lance Armstrong to heart, look within and heal the things we each have to heal than to point fingers at him. Anyone who plays out this type of drama on the world stage is doing it for all of us. Before the lies and doping came to light, he was living the life that many people would like to have had. He was showing us what was possible, showing us what any of us could accomplish with hard work, focus and concentration. And now, that everything has fallen apart, he's showing us what we all need to heal. He's showing us another kind of courage.
It's easy to look at Lance Armstrong and think he's a bad person, but he's not. He did some very damaging things, both to himself and to other people, but that doesn't make him a bad person. We can't throw the baby out with the bath water. But, it's what we tend to do with people. We love to label people as good or bad or selfish or...whatever...choose your adjective. And, once we've decided someone is bad, we're done with them. But, doing a bad thing does not a bad person make. We've all done bad things. Life isn't black and white, good and bad, right and wrong. Life is complicated and messy and hurtful and sometimes hard to figure out, and the worst things can, and often do, have silver linings if we look for them.
Lance Armstrong has a long journey ahead of him and a lot of personal work to do, but so do we all. And, opening our hearts in compassion to him in the shared process of coming into greater awareness, will only help all of us. If we can open our hearts, even when things are difficult, then we're well on the way to having better lives.
So, let's open to and utilize the lessons Lance Armstrong is highlighting for all of us. Let's open our hearts. Let's Live Strong.
I've been cooking. Amazing for me. I haven't cooked to any extent for over thirty years. When I was working, I didn't have time. And, when I was off, I didn't want to. The mentality when I was off work was to enjoy every second of it and rest as much as possible, because when the next job came, I wouldn't have a second to myself. But now, I have time and I'm actually enjoying being in the kitchen and cooking. My friend, Judi, gave me a series of cooking lessons for Christmas and it's been so much fun learning to cook and trying things out. There's something very Zen about cooking...washing, chopping, mixing, stirring. And, it's so satisfying when it turns out well and tastes delicious.
But, I do find cooking for other people to be more fun than just cooking for myself. Plus, when I cook for myself, there's usually too much food, and I'm not always able to eat it before it starts to go bad. I'm learning to freeze things, which is also new for me; and, particularly helpful when I end up with too much food. I'm getting ready to bake bread. I've pulled out some recipes and my friend, Mary Karen, who makes the most delicious bread, has given me her recipe, so now it's time to try it.
I made bread in my early twenties in my hippie days, but it never turned out that well. It was very dense and the loaves were always too small. I think I didn't get the rising and punching down part right. But now, I'm ready to try again. Hopefully, my touch will have improved with age.
I've felt very solitary lately, and spending time in the kitchen cooking and baking has been very nurturing. My adjustment to not working in the way I'm used to is still an ongoing process. I've got this misconception about how at some point the adjustment will end and I'll get into some kind of groove with it, but I think not. I think the process of living, which is what it is, will continue unabated, and that the adjustment to what each day presents will be a constant unknown. It's very 3D of me to think that at some point I'll know what's supposed to happen every day; to think that my adjustment to being retired from script supervising is a finite thing.
The truth is, there is no normal, there never has been. There is no end to adjustment to daily life, and no known future stretching out before me. But, there is more comfort with the unknown, and I like being able to create each day as I want depending on what shows up or how I feel. I still struggle somewhat with guilt over what I "should" be doing instead of what I am doing, but I'm getting better with that.
I watched the Lance Armstrong interviews with Oprah on television the last couple of nights. His mistakes are huge, but we've all made huge mistakes. The difference is that his process is playing out on the world stage. We've all lied. Maybe not to the extent he did, but we've done it none the less. We've all hurt and betrayed people, sometimes knowing we were doing it, and sometimes doing it out of ignorance and unconsciousness. And, many of us have doped; maybe not in competitive sports in order to gain an advantage, but doped none the less. And, we've all done things we knew were wrong in order to gain an advantage. We've all been in denial in any number of ways. It takes courage for any of us to come clean after perpetuating a lie, but it takes particular courage to come clean on the level that Lance Armstrong is doing it.
I'm amazed that the interview with Oprah went over two nights and lasted for two and a half hours. After watching it, I felt it was a bit over done. Too fine a point had been put on it. Too much public humiliation had happened. Digging for details of the offenses and asking how he feels and what he's said to his children seemed overly invasive. I thought he handled himself very well under what must have been intense pressure, but he's honed that skill over a lifetime. All he can really say is that he lied and acted very badly and hurt a lot of people and reiterate over and over how sorry he is for doing it. Coming into consciousness and taking responsibility for his past transgressions is probably not enough for a lot of people though. We tend to want to punish people for their mistakes, to make sure they're feeling enough shame and guilt over what they've done. This behavior makes the recovery very difficult for whoever is being crucified in the moment. But, I do feel that Lance Armstrong has the ability to recover and live a different life, no matter how hard people would like to make it for him to do so.
Lance Armstrong has had two big wakeup calls in his life...cancer, and the revelation of his lying and doping. How many wakeup calls have we all had? I've had multiple wakeup calls, and I can't say I've always paid attention to them, which is why they've come again and again and gotten worse and worse until I did. Who of us is able to throw the stone? Truthfully, none of us. We would all do much better to take what's happening to Lance Armstrong to heart, look within and heal the things we each have to heal than to point fingers at him. Anyone who plays out this type of drama on the world stage is doing it for all of us. Before the lies and doping came to light, he was living the life that many people would like to have had. He was showing us what was possible, showing us what any of us could accomplish with hard work, focus and concentration. And now, that everything has fallen apart, he's showing us what we all need to heal. He's showing us another kind of courage.
It's easy to look at Lance Armstrong and think he's a bad person, but he's not. He did some very damaging things, both to himself and to other people, but that doesn't make him a bad person. We can't throw the baby out with the bath water. But, it's what we tend to do with people. We love to label people as good or bad or selfish or...whatever...choose your adjective. And, once we've decided someone is bad, we're done with them. But, doing a bad thing does not a bad person make. We've all done bad things. Life isn't black and white, good and bad, right and wrong. Life is complicated and messy and hurtful and sometimes hard to figure out, and the worst things can, and often do, have silver linings if we look for them.
Lance Armstrong has a long journey ahead of him and a lot of personal work to do, but so do we all. And, opening our hearts in compassion to him in the shared process of coming into greater awareness, will only help all of us. If we can open our hearts, even when things are difficult, then we're well on the way to having better lives.
So, let's open to and utilize the lessons Lance Armstrong is highlighting for all of us. Let's open our hearts. Let's Live Strong.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
3D, 4D, 5D
In my last post, I talked about letting go of the 3D matrix, but I didn't talk about what 3D is specifically so that it would be clear what I was talking about letting go of. As I was realizing the need to explain the dimensions, I found an email that had been in my inbox for a while that had links to videos on YouTube that I hadn't watched yet. I decided to take the time to watch them, and low and behold, they had information about the dimensions that was very clear and helpful, which I'm going to include in this post. The videos were of Jim Self, whose website is www.masteringalchemy.com. If you're interested in watching the same videos I did, here are the links:
"Help! 3D Is Going Away" - Part 1 - about 15 minutes
"Help! 3D Is Going Away" - Part 2 - about 15 minutes
I haven't watched this video yet, but is seems to be the complete version of "Help! 3D Is Going Away" and it's almost two hours
So...in terms of what we are in the process of letting go of in the third dimension, the following should help in that understanding...separation; either/or; judgment; will; efforting; set and rigid thinking and belief; always/never; inflexibility; linear time; conditional thinking; rigid structures and concepts; carbon-based physicality; polarity; fear/safety; good/bad; shame/embarrassment/humiliation; past/future; reactive thinking and behavior based in the past; unforgiving; lies. That should give you a good idea of how the third dimension works and the overlay of the way of being that it engenders.
When we find ourselves in judgment of another person or an event or way of doing something, we're operating out of our habitual third dimensional way of thinking. When we feel ourselves being run by the restrictive concept of linear time instead of utilizing the flexibility of time to serve us, then we are operating from our habitual concept of third dimensional time. If we're looking at something as either/or, this or that, instead of, this and that, then we're operating out of our habitual third dimensional concept of what's possible. Wherever we catch ourselves feeling shame, embarrassment or humiliation, we're still operating in the reactive state of a 3D reality based on an event in the past. If we can't forgive someone, or something we've done, or we're lying to defend ourselves from the revelation of some unwanted truth, we're operating within the old 3D matrix.
As we relax into the new field, these old ways of being will fall away. But, the more aware we are of our state of being, the better able we are to catch ourselves when we move into the old habitual way of being. The new field is here, it's for us to open into it, to relax into it, to lean into it, to let it support us and show us a new way. We need to keep asking ourselves, "Is there a better way?" when we find ourselves in 3D operating in the old way. And, new and better ways will reveal themselves as we go as long as we're open to them. It's for us to be open to the new ways and to let go of the old structures and rigidities.
We don't talk about 4D as much as we do about 3D and 5D, but we move between all three dimensions all the time. 4D is present time, being in the now and moving in a place of choice, not reaction based on the past. 4D is flexible and open and full of paradox - what was true isn't necessarily true now. 4D time is not a fixed structure that runs us, but a flexible thing that can be utilized. Anytime we're in a creative zone and forget the time, we're in 4D. When we're fully present with what is happening in the moment, and filtering information and making choices based on that immediate, current stream of data, we're in 4D. 4D has always been available to us within the 3D matrix, and as we move into 5D, it will become more the norm than the exception.
5D is the new field that we're moving into, have moved into. It is lighter, less dense. We have less to work through to connect to the Divine and All That Is. In 3D, we needed to have a strong will to get things done because of the density we were working in. But, in 5D, it's about operating within the flow of Life and opening to what is already present. It isn't to say that there won't be challenge, but the level of efforting we needed in 3D will not be needed in 5D. In 5D, we will relax and open to the field and the path will reveal itself. It will be for us to be willing to receive it and act on it, but we will have the revelation of what it is for us to do.
5D includes appreciation, gratitude, co-creation, beauty, dignity, integrity, unconditional ways of being, unity, and crystalline-based physical vehicles. We know what all of these things are, but we are in the process of making these ways of being habitual. In 5D, we will appreciate new ideas and ways of doing things instead of resisting them. We will be grateful for what is rather than focusing on what isn't. We will be in co-creation with each other and the new field, rather than working alone. We will see and create beauty, and we will realize the dignity inherent in all Life. We will operate in integrity for the good of the whole and not be ruled by selfish aims. Greed will be a thing of the past. All of our conditions that we impose on ourselves and others will no longer be in place. We'll accept and appreciate each other for who we are, and not try to change ourselves or others in order to be what we think we should be, or to be what another wants us to be. We'll be free to be ourselves, and to be the best we can be in our own authenticity; to create and express in co-creation with the All. This is what is here now. This is what we are opening into. This is where we are all going.
All of us who embrace the new ways of being help the new field to become stronger for everyone. Awareness is growing. People are looking at better ways to do things that are good for the collective, that are good for the environment, that empower us. People are questioning the old ways and seeing how they don't serve us anymore. People are breaking out of the old limitations and restrictions that are no longer able to hold us back. Old structures are falling apart to make way for new ways of being and doing things. People are rising up to say "no" to violence, and are realizing that there is a better way. There are endless positive signs of change and growth. If we can focus on what is changing and growing for the better, instead of the remnants of the past that are fighting for their lives, we will strengthen what is trying to change and grow. It is for us to move our focus from what was into what is. It is for us to choose our reality, to open to the new field and connect into the All and leave the past to itself.
Our bodies are also changing from a carbon-based system into a crystalline-based system, and there are symptoms of this physical change that we will experience that won't be comfortable and might be confusing. Our relativity to food will change and we won't respond to the foods we've always responded to. Our typical way of eating will change and we will want different and new kinds of foods. New kinds of foods will reveal themselves and old kinds of foods will lose favor. My rule of thumb, in terms of any physical symptoms I might be experiencing, is that if they last for a week then I better get to the doctor. If they come and go, and I seem to be okay generally, then it's most likely a vibrational transitional symptom. Lately, I've been experiencing some vertigo and dizziness, but it comes and goes and doesn't seem serious. When the base of our reality is changing, it can cause vertigo and dizziness until we adjust to the new level of vibration. Each of us has to feel these things out to determine what might need medical attention and what we just need to ride out. Being tuned in to our bodies, and making these types of determinations, increases our awareness in general.
Don't forget that we're not here by accident. We're here because we wanted to be here. We're here because we volunteered for this grand experiment. We wanted to be among the first humans to ever experience the shift from 3D to 5D while in the body. And, we're doing it! We're already successful. We're already there. We're showing that this transition is possible for all life everywhere. We're laying new track that will be followed for eons on other worlds and in other realities. We're the pioneers and Earth is the frontier. We're not on the Starship Enterprise, we're on Starship Earth, and we're going where no human has gone before.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Living our Best Lives
I hope you've all had a wonderful holiday season. We made it through the 12/12/12 and the 12/21/12, although with less fanfare than many expected. We put such a burden of expectation on those dates that it would be difficult not to be a bit disappointed. But, I do feel an upswing in the energy, and I do feel the new field grounding into our reality; or, us being uplifted into the new field, however one wants to look at it.
We had snowfall yesterday in ABQ, and today there is still snow on the ground. From the look of the cars in the parking spaces below me, we got another dusting of snow in the night, which I'm grateful for; we need the moisture so badly. It's been a very dry year for us so far. But, I do enjoy the sun and the blue sky dotted with fluffy white clouds. Rabbits and roadrunners do their thing below me in the scrub of the open space outside my window. And, all is well here.
I managed to get totally unpacked and settled into my new space for the New Year. I'm loving my new apartment. It's much smaller than my house, but has plenty of room for me and the kitties. It's intimate and easier to clean and maintain, and the view is spectacular.
I think 2013 is going to be a good year. It might hold some upheaval and tribulation, some dismantling of what no longer serves us and some restructuring, but it also holds endless possibility and creativity and inspiration. We're through the portal that was 12/21/12 and we're into a new paradigm. Time is gone, although we're so in the habit of time, that it might take a while for us to fully realize it. Many of our soul contracts expired on the 21st, so now Life is wide open to whatever we choose to create.
Gaia is holding the 3D polarity as long as she can as she opens into 5D and the new field. She's doing this to make the transition easier for all of us who are on the ride with her, but at a certain point, she will need to let go of the 3D matrix and move fully into 5D. As long as we stay in sync with her as she makes her transition, we'll not notice any drastic changes along the way. That's not to say it's all going to be easy, but at least not drastic. Stay open to what comes and break the habit of 3D along the way. When the 3D matrix finally falls away, those of us who want to make the transition with Gaia will want to be able to let it go and not go with it.
I encourage you to dream big, and to not limit yourself in any way. Let's make 2013 our break-out year. What is your heart's desire? What is it that's been gnawing at you to give it expression? Let yourself have it. Let yourself be it. Everything exists in the all of Life, it is for us to allow it into being. Step into it. The only limitations are those we impose on ourselves. Let's take the blinders off.
However 2013 shows up, whatever it holds, and whatever each of us decides to do, I hope we're able to accept it all with grace and gratitude. I hope we're able to allow ourselves the full expression of Life to flow through us unobstructed. I hope the veils of our hearts drop away and we open into the fullness of the Love that we are. I hope we all allow the creation of our heart's desires, both for our own benefit and for the benefit of all Life everywhere. The field is open. All possibility lies before us. Let's live our best lives...now.
We had snowfall yesterday in ABQ, and today there is still snow on the ground. From the look of the cars in the parking spaces below me, we got another dusting of snow in the night, which I'm grateful for; we need the moisture so badly. It's been a very dry year for us so far. But, I do enjoy the sun and the blue sky dotted with fluffy white clouds. Rabbits and roadrunners do their thing below me in the scrub of the open space outside my window. And, all is well here.
I managed to get totally unpacked and settled into my new space for the New Year. I'm loving my new apartment. It's much smaller than my house, but has plenty of room for me and the kitties. It's intimate and easier to clean and maintain, and the view is spectacular.
I think 2013 is going to be a good year. It might hold some upheaval and tribulation, some dismantling of what no longer serves us and some restructuring, but it also holds endless possibility and creativity and inspiration. We're through the portal that was 12/21/12 and we're into a new paradigm. Time is gone, although we're so in the habit of time, that it might take a while for us to fully realize it. Many of our soul contracts expired on the 21st, so now Life is wide open to whatever we choose to create.
Gaia is holding the 3D polarity as long as she can as she opens into 5D and the new field. She's doing this to make the transition easier for all of us who are on the ride with her, but at a certain point, she will need to let go of the 3D matrix and move fully into 5D. As long as we stay in sync with her as she makes her transition, we'll not notice any drastic changes along the way. That's not to say it's all going to be easy, but at least not drastic. Stay open to what comes and break the habit of 3D along the way. When the 3D matrix finally falls away, those of us who want to make the transition with Gaia will want to be able to let it go and not go with it.
I encourage you to dream big, and to not limit yourself in any way. Let's make 2013 our break-out year. What is your heart's desire? What is it that's been gnawing at you to give it expression? Let yourself have it. Let yourself be it. Everything exists in the all of Life, it is for us to allow it into being. Step into it. The only limitations are those we impose on ourselves. Let's take the blinders off.
However 2013 shows up, whatever it holds, and whatever each of us decides to do, I hope we're able to accept it all with grace and gratitude. I hope we're able to allow ourselves the full expression of Life to flow through us unobstructed. I hope the veils of our hearts drop away and we open into the fullness of the Love that we are. I hope we all allow the creation of our heart's desires, both for our own benefit and for the benefit of all Life everywhere. The field is open. All possibility lies before us. Let's live our best lives...now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)