A Long Overdue Update

Boy...have things changed since I wrote the last post before "Negri."  Jeez...  It's been a long time since I felt like writing until I did the post for Negri's passing.  A huge fallow period with no desire to write or post whatsoever.  Nothing.  Zip.  Nada.

I did find work, unexpectedly, at a Home Goods store not far from where I was living.  There was a "hiring" sign in the window and I went in and applied.  They took a few weeks to call, but hired me as a part-time, temporary, seasonal Christmas cashier and floor associate at the end of 2013.  I was just happy to have a job.

I worked as a cashier and then was promoted to being a supervisor over the cashiers at the front end, which I initially thought was a good thing, but soon realized wasn't at all what I wanted.  It was too many hours of work each week when what I really wanted was a part-time job.  And, it was too much stress and too much responsibility for someone who didn't want to "move up the ladder" and become a manager.  So, I went back to being a regular cashier and also working a couple of days in the cash office, which was perfect.  Now, I only work in the cash office and don't cashier at all anymore, and I really like it.  I balance the cash drawers, do the bank deposits, get to work in the quiet of a small office away from the sales floor, don't have to lift heavy furniture, don't have to be on my feet all the time, and don't have to deal with customers.  It's only a few hours on the days I work.  I go in early in the morning and am off before lunch.  Ahhh...

Working in the cash office is a job that I didn't realize existed.  I wouldn't have known to apply for it.  And, I wouldn't have thought I was qualified for it, even if I had known it existed.  But, by taking the available job that was offered to me, the better job opened up after time.  I also had to get over my old pattern of wanting to do more and take on more responsibility, by realizing I didn't want to be a supervisor, before working in the cash office showed its real appeal.  But, the journey got me where I needed to be.

I downsized from the first apartment I got when I moved back to San Diego, which was a two-bedroom, into a studio apartment.  Before I retired, I needed a second bedroom to use as an office and a place to keep all my work supplies and paraphernalia.  After I retired, it took me a while to realize I didn't need an office anymore, a desk and a small file cabinet were enough.  I also started to look around me and want less stuff.  All my stuff was starting to feel suffocating.  So, I sold everything I could, gave away the rest, threw away what was left, and moved into the smallest space in which I've ever lived.  And, I loved it.

My studio apartment was in a charming old building that was over a hundred years old and just a couple of blocks from Balboa Park close to downtown San Diego.  My foldout secretary desk was built into the wall next to the small built-in bookcase.  My bed pulled out like a big drawer under the desk and bookcase.  And, my small, but "walk-in" closet was above where the bed pulled out.  The kitchen was small but complete, and the bathroom was bigger than the one I'd had in my two-bedroom apartment.  There was a rooftop deck that looked out over San Diego Bay.  There was a laundry facility for the building.  They took my three cats.  I had to park on the street, but it was never really a problem.  I had everything I needed.

While living in the studio apartment, my beloved cat, Buddy, got very sick and made his transition, which was a very difficult passage for me.  I only got to be Buddy's companion and caretaker for the last four years of his life, but he was a very special being, and took over a large part of my heart.

Winter in the studio apartment proved to be very uncomfortable when it became clear that no heat was ever going to reach it from the boiler system in the basement.  And, no amount of complaining about the lack of heat brought any improvement over a period of months.  So, not long after Buddy passed, I was given permission to move prior to the end of my lease.

I'm now living in a small one-bedroom apartment.  I'm very happy here and have more amenities than I ever thought I'd be able to afford in an apartment.  I have a garage, which, after parking on the street, is a huge luxury.  I have a fireplace, which isn't something I would have told you I wanted, but is something that I love having.  I have a bedroom.  Amazing.  It's nice to have a bedroom again after the pull-out bed.  I have my own washer and dryer!  Which, after going up and down three flights of stairs to a coin-operated and shared facility, is something I'm on-my-knees grateful for.  I have a garbage disposal, which might sound basic, but which I greatly missed not having.  And, I have a private outdoor balcony, which my landlord was generous enough to screen in for me so that the cats could safely go out there and not jump off.  We've been very comfortable here.

The next big change came when Negri, my oldest female cat, whose health had been in serious decline since just before Buddy passed, made her transition.  She'd been with me for fifteen years and was the dearest, sweetest cat.  Losing her is a huge adjustment.  And, losing her and Buddy both within the space of a year, has taken a large emotional toll.  With the multiple moves, the turmoil and stress of work, and the death of two dearly loved animal companions, I'm left feeling a bit fractured.

Since I'd retired a few years ago, through all the changes since then, many voids have been opened in my life, and none of them have been closed or filled.  All the losses and changes came close enough on top of each other to leave me feeling overwhelmed and lost.  The effects of everything that's happened have been larger than I realized they would be, and have resulted in my feeling empty and without purpose.  Nothing has given me any real energy for life or a feeling of forward movement until I made the decision to walk The Camino.

A friend recommended a book to me by Sonia Choquette, called "Walking Home."  It was about her experience of walking The Camino, and I was only into the beginning chapters of it when I realized that walking The Camino was the next thing I was being called to do.  As Life would have it, I experienced some synchronous events after making the decision to walk it that confirmed that it was indeed the door that had opened for me:  A friend of mine will be starting the walk with me; and, my current landlord has walked it three times.  So, in September and October, I'll be in Europe walking The Camino de Santiago from St. Jean Pied-de-Port in Southern France, over the Pyrenees Mountains into Spain, and across the north of Spain to Santiago de Compostela.

For a couch potato like myself, to put on a backpack and walk such a pilgrimage as The Camino, which is 500 miles, would not have been something I would have thought I'd do, but what do I know?  So, this year, I'll spend my 65th birthday in Spain while walking The Camino.  It's something I'm very excited about doing.  The prospect of doing it is giving me energy and something to look forward to.  And, I finally feel like my life is finding its footing again--pun intended.

I've got everything arranged for The Camino and have what I need to do it.  I've read as many books on it, and watched as many videos, as I'm going to; so, all that's left is to do it.  In the meantime, I enjoy the time I have with my one remaining beloved cat, Sophie.  We've grown much closer now that it's just the two of us.  And, I go to work and do what I do, which is a lot of nothing.  But, no matter what, knowing that The Camino is coming, continues to inspire me.

Some of you know what I've written here and some of you don't.  But, I felt a need to write a post to fill in the big void of not having posted for so long.  And, now I've done that.  I hope to post more often, but I never know when the words will start to form themselves in my mind and ask to be recorded.  When they do, they will appear here.

Deep thanks to all my friends who've been there to support me through all the changes the last few years have brought.  I'm grateful to all of you more than you know.  Thanks as well to all of you who read what I so humbly put forth in these posts.  Thanks to my mother for making me learn how to type when I was very young and had no interest in it, and for which I'm grateful every day.  And, thanks for my ability to write and process the events of my life through words.  Writing is the thing that ultimately gives me purpose, inspires me, and makes me feel useful and of service.  Writing is the thing that brings me peace, and a deep and quiet joy.  And, writing is the thing that brings me into a state of pure, on-my-knees gratitude, which is where I am right now.  Thank you...in all the ways one can say thank you.     

Negri

My baby girl, Negri, who has been my feline pet companion for the last 15 years, crossed the Rainbow Bridge today and got her wings.

Of course she was not a "baby," but she was always my baby girl.  She was actually a very old soul, very wise and loving.  I rescued her from a shelter when she was around 4 months old.  She was feral and bouncing around in her cage, having a hard time understanding the confinement after spending the beginning of her life outside and free.  It took her a very long time to allow me to touch her, much less pick her up, which she never enjoyed.  She growled over her food and ate very quickly so that no one could take her food away from her.  It took her a long time to stop growling when she ate.  And, I'm not sure she ever truly trusted that no one would take her food away.

She also didn't trust anyone who entered our space.  She would run and hide in the closet at the first sound of anyone approaching.  Someone would have to be around for many hours before Negri might decide to venture forth out of latent curiosity.   This was something that never changed.  She was also afraid that someone might take her away from me.  She was a grateful cat.  She appreciated her life and didn't want it to change.  So, if she hid anytime anyone came near, then they wouldn't see her, and so wouldn't take her away, and she'd be safe.

Her constant anxiety and nervous tension over things I understood and things I didn't, resulted in a stomach and bowel situation that proved worse and worse for her as she aged.  Everything that could be done was done for her, but some things just are, and her digestive system was always a weak one.  Eventually, her body just couldn't continue.

I had many animal communication sessions with Negri over the years.  There's nothing like hearing your animal speak to you about their perceptions and how they see their world.  I always loved hearing what Negri had to say about things.  And, I loved the opportunity to ask her questions and see what she wanted so that I could respond.  If you have an animal companion and have never given yourself and your animal the gift of an animal communication session, you're really missing something wonderful.

I had my last animal communication session with Negri right before she passed.  She told me she was ready to let her body go and that she'd been spending a lot of time out of it lately anyway.  And, as comforting as it is to know that your animal is ready to go, nothing makes the moment of leaving any easier.  It's wrenching.

It is the very crux of this existence for humans, and all living beings on Earth, that we are having a physical experience.  We are Spirit made manifest.  The physical matters, it's what we're here for.  So, even though we know that Life is eternal and that we're never really separated from those we love, the physical separation when a loved one moves on is not an easy adjustment.

There's nothing like being with a loved one, human or animal or otherwise...hearing their voice, or their purr, or their bark, or whatever endearing sounds they might make; feeling their touch, holding them, hugging them, feeling the warmth of their body next to yours, the weight of them; spending time in their presence...all of it is precious and special and unique.  It's something to be treasured and never taken for granted.  This physical experience is a gift, and so is every moment we get to spend with those we love.

So, yes, I know that Negri will still be with me energetically, but I'll miss her presence.  I'll miss her body.  I'll miss her.  And, even though I can sometimes "feel" the energies from different realms of Life, I don't have the ability to communicate with them consciously.  I'll have a sense of Negri, but it will never be the same.

No matter how long we've gotten to spend with a loved one, when they leave and move on to life elsewhere, our life here is forever changed.  I've had two animal companions transition during the last year, and both times my heart has broken at the loss.  They are both deeply missed.  I will never forget either of them and will continue loving them.  They both changed my life...made it richer and more full; brought joy and enjoyment; opened me more deeply to love and to being loved; supported and comforted me; taught me to be more grateful and not to take things for granted.

Every being we love and are loved by increases us, grows us, teaches us, heals us, makes us better and deeper.  I'm so grateful for the love in my life, however it shows up and whatever it looks like.  I'm grateful for everyone and everything that has cracked my heart open wider and wider and taught me about what love is.  I love you forever, Negri!  Fly free my baby girl!   

Stepping Back and Realigning

I don't want to do much of anything.  I don't have a lot of energy, and I'm not feeling inclined toward anything.  So, I'm not doing anything.

I've spent a lot of energy over the last few weeks looking for work.  But, nothing has opened up yet, and the whole process seems to be draining me.  I've lost all desire to not only go to work but to look for work.  Time to back off and take a break.

When things are in alignment for me, they usually happen pretty quickly.  And, when I decided to look for work in San Diego, the idea had energy.  But, all that energy has now dissipated.  And, all the doors have so far been closed.  That means a bit of a reboot is in order.  So, Life might be saying "no" to what I've been looking for; or, it might be saying "not now."  I'm not sure.  But, by taking a pause, I'm giving myself some time to see if things become more clear, or if inspiration comes in regard to something else.  Whatever comes next, without any clarity, I'm just spinning my wheels.

The new field isn't about pushing things or willing things to happen or spinning our wheels.  The new field is about alignment with what is of essence.  So, I need to realign and see what is of essence now.  Taking a step back and doing whatever brings me joy will be much more effective than pushing forward to look for work when everything is saying "no."

So, for now, the work search is off.  And, this week is about having fun.  And, that's something I have energy for.

Freedom, Control and Relationships

I've got a lavender cheesecake in the oven.  Yes, a lavender cheesecake.  I got the recipe at:
http://www.gimmesomeoven.com/lavender-cheesecake
...in case you'd like to make your own lavender cheesecake.

I've got visitors coming on Sunday and Monday and I wanted to make something special.  I'm cooking other things as well, but...lavender cheesecake.  I've never heard of such a thing.  I've also never made a cheesecake, so I've got my fingers crossed that it turns out.  I don't know if mine will look as gorgeous as the one in the photo, but no matter what it looks like, it should taste amazing.

I'm finally settled enough in my new apartment that I'm cooking.  Cooking is a very nurturing and grounding thing to do.  It's such a zen activity, all the chopping and stirring and measuring and combining.  I find it settles me and connects me into a deeper part of myself.  It takes patience, and it's so rewarding.  You get something that's filled with love and so nourishing for your efforts.  I haven't really cooked since my early twenties until I retired from script supervising last year.  And, I'm so enjoying cooking again.

I'm loving my new apartment.  It's got a kind of tree house feel to it.  I'm up high, so I look out over the roofs below me and there are lots of trees.  The only connection I have to another unit is the one below me, so it feels very private as well.  I can see four tall palm trees out my office window, which is so Southern California.  I grew up in San Diego and I didn't realize, until recently, how engrained this place is within me.  Even though it's been about 35 years since I lived here, there are places here that are part of me and always will be.  There are images and sounds and aromas that are part of this place that trigger deep memories from long ago.

Some of what's come up since I've moved here is joyful and happy, but some of what's come up is painful and sad.  The joyful, happy memories nurture me and help me to realize that I can create joyful, happy experiences now.  The painful, sad memories are grist for the spiritual mill.  I look at why they are so painful and sad, and learn from them as I can now, but couldn't when they were happening.  I recapture parts of myself.  I forgive myself and generate compassion for the part of me that was wounded.  I nurture myself back into wholeness as I integrate the lessons that I've only been able to learn now...better late than never.  But, the damage that was done, and the length of the effect it had, is staggering.  Coming to terms with the past, and integrating the lessons inherent in it, is an ongoing process.

I feel the veil of the past lifting, though.  I have moments of deep joy.  Not an exuberant, external joy, but a deep, quiet joy that surprises me.  This joy is peaceful and fulfilling.  It's not attached to anything, it arises from within for no particular reason.

Most of what's come up for me is in regard to relationships.  I'm realizing that I've had an overlay of control connected to a need to be free that was misinterpreted and that played itself out in my relationships.  I projected a lack of freedom onto my relationships, when in reality I am now and have always been free.  I made a decision that the only way I could be in relationship and be free was to be in control, and so I chose partners with whom I could maintain control.  But, this made those relationships very unsatisfying and unsustainable.  Because I now realize that my freedom is a constant, and that no one and no relationship can take it from me, I look forward to creating new mutually loving relationships as who I am now.

This healing would not have taken place had I not decided to move back to San Diego.  It took coming back here to trigger the old wounds so they could be healed and transformed.  I didn't know this until I'd made the decision to move.  But, such is the way Life works.  The inspiration to do something is always for a reason, but we often don't know the reason until we commit to the doing.  The commitment to the doing comes from faith, faith in Life and faith in oneself.  The value it holds starts to reveal itself in the living of the choice.

It's time to check my lavender cheesecake and see how it's transformed itself from what it was when it went into the oven to what it is now.  And, such it is with each of us.  We put ourselves into the fire of transformation by coming into awareness of those things that limit us, taking responsibility for them, forgiving them, and loving ourselves forward and applying what we've learned.  Life gives us unlimited chances to expand and grow.  And, as my lavender cheesecake will come out of the oven in a whole and delicious state, we come out of the fire of transformation able to live a more whole and delicious life.  My life is very yummy right now and I'm beyond grateful for the awareness that allows me to appreciate it.  I'm so grateful, always grateful. 

A New Era

It's the 4th of July.  It's 9:00pm, and a huge fireworks display just started going off with a vengeance.  I've chosen to stay in my hotel room with my kitties because the fireworks explosions just across the street from where we are, accompanied by cheering crowds of people and police sirens, is not what they consider to be a good time.  The building is also shaking in response to the explosions, so without me here with them, they'd think all kinds of dire things were happening.

It's not my choice to be staying in a hotel across the street from where the fireworks are happening.  But, it's the only hotel close to my new apartment that would take me and my three kitties.  Finding a pet friendly hotel that will let me leave the kitties in the room unattended and not caged was a bit difficult.  We arrived this morning from Albuquerque after driving all night.  And, we don't get to move in to our new apartment until Saturday.  So, this noisy little cubby of a room is our temporary living space.

The trip from Albuquerque was thirteen hours, driven at night to avoid the heat that's been high across the Southwest.  When you drive at night, it's just you and the road.  There's no scenery to enjoy or distract you from the monotony of endless hours of driving.  There is less traffic to deal with, there are less trucks to pass, but there are more blinding headlights--in front and behind.  And, there's the body's desire for sleep because, normally, you'd be comfortably in bed dreaming as the night passed.  But, my desire to get to California was strong, and my desire to keep the kitties cooler and more comfortable was my main objective.  I drive very fast, and even with that, the hours of the drive dragged on endlessly.  But, as the morning dawned, we managed to pull in to our hotel in Ocean Beach at around 6:30am.  Another plus to the hotel is that they agreed to let me check in at this hour without an extra charge.

When we left Albuquerque, the kitties were in their carriers perched above piled-up luggage so that they could see out the front window of the car.  They were not happy about being trapped in their carriers and the prospect of time on the road, so they yelled at me incessantly.  About 15 minutes into the drive, my older female had an unfortunate attack of nervous diarrhea in her carrier.  At this point, the kitties escalated their yelling to all out screaming.  We were no where near a gas station, and all I could hope was that one would appear soon.  About 15 minutes later, thank goodness, I pulled off at a gas station attached to one of the numerous New Mexico casinos.

I took my cat into the travel services building looking for the bathroom.  I was horrified to find it and realize it was not an enclosed space at all.  It was one of those bathrooms that you walk around a wall extension into without a door.  And, all the stalls opened into the room.  I stopped in my tracks and tried to think how I'd be able to remove my upset cat from her carrier and clean her and it without losing her into the depths of the huge travel services building.  I finally proceeded into the handicapped stall, put her carrier on the floor, opened it, and lifted her out.  She tried to escape, but I managed to capture her with my lightening reflexes.  Adrenaline does amazing things to the body.

She was covered in feces as was the carrier.  I plunged ahead.  She's my child.  What's a little shit?  She allowed me to wipe her off as best I could.  She then, thank God, decided to allow me to hold her with one hand while I wiped out the carrier with my other hand.  I removed her soft carrier pad because it was not salvageable.  I'd brought a plastic bag in with me into which the soiled pad went and then into the trash can.  Once the carrier was cleaned as well as I could clean it under the circumstances, she went back in...willingly.  At this point, I realized I had shit on my t-shirt and my pants.  Deep sigh.  I did my best to clean it off so I didn't reek the whole rest of the way to San Diego.  With both of us a little worse for wear, we then trudged out of the bathroom and headed for the car.

I put my dear, semi-traumatized cat back in the car.  The other two kitties were happy to see her and to realize that things had been cleaned up.  We headed out again.  Take 2.  My cats continued to yell at me for most of the thirteen hours of the drive.  There were times when they were especially loud, other times when they whimpered softly, and other times when they meowed in indignant, staccato bursts.  It was horrifying.  And, because of the previous diarrhea event, I prayed that the continuous meows would not result in further messy incidents.  My prayers were answered.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I am now in the part of San Diego where I lived in my late teens and early twenties.  It was in this place that I first lived when I moved out of my parent's house and was on my own.  It was in this place that I first fell in love.  The joyous part of my youth was spent here, and now I return.  I've been gone for almost 40 years.  A very long time.  Lots of water under the bridge.  And yet, the joy of my youth remains and colors my perceptions of this place.  I am ecstatic to be at the beach again.  I am ecstatic to be near the ocean...specifically, to be near this beach, and this part of the ocean.  It is a beautiful place and I feel nurtured by it visually and energetically.

We can't repeat the past.  Things happen and go by and new things arise in their place.  My happy youth and the love of that time are long gone.  I am not that girl anymore.  The woman I am now is very different from that carefree girl.  And yet, it makes me feel hopeful to be here.  I've been in a bit of limbo since I retired from script supervising a year ago.  But, I now feel another chapter starting.  I'm not yet clear how things will go or what shape they will take, but I feel hopeful about things in a way that I haven't for a very long time.  The other benefit of being here is that I get to be near my sister.  We weren't that close for many years, each of us living our lives and going our separate ways.  But, in the last year, we've become closer and we've talked to each other more frequently, and I'm so happy to now be living close to her.

So, I start my life again, as I've done many times in the past, but with more hope this time.  And, this time, I'm looking forward to settling and creating a life that nurtures and sustains me with its continuity.  I'm tired of constant traveling, and of moving over and over.  I'm wanting some stability at this point.

I soak in the essence of this place and allow all the memories to flow through me.  I enjoy them and thank them and focus on the now and what I want to create in this moment.  I embark on this new chapter quieter than in my youth, with a heart that's more open, with more subdued expectations, and with a greater ability to accept and enjoy the now.  And, once again, and always, I am eternally grateful.

Heart Opening

I've been so emotional lately.  I've attributed it to the fact that I'm moving and that so much is being triggered within me.  And, that is true, but it's not the whole reason.

It occurred to me today that my heart is opening in new and unfamiliar ways.  Because I'm not used to this new level of vulnerability and compassion, I experience it as emotion.  I go through levels of this opening where I'm emotional and raw, and then I integrate that level and things calm down, and then a new opening occurs and the emotional rawness returns.  I finally realized that it's waves of energy coming in and triggering heart openings.  I've been integrating and welcoming home parts of myself that got broken off at various points of my life, leaving because the way things were didn't allow them to stay and blossom.  And so, my heart has been required to open in order to love them home and expand so that the wholeness of me can be present and have expression.  Or, maybe it's because my heart is opening that those parts of me are able to come home.  I think it's a combination of both.

I'm more sensitive in general.  Things touch me deeply, more deeply than before.  I watched a video this morning that was included in the most recent newsletter I'd received from Krista Tippet and her "On Being" series.  It was about a young (33) artist, Martha Depp, who had ovarian cancer and who was dying.  Her brother made the video as a tribute to her and her art.  She was a very talented painter.  She is the one speaking in the video.  She has a soft voice and a frail form, but what was also obvious was that she was strong and courageous and inspiring.  She accepted her state and welcomed the release it would bring.  And, she painted.  She wanted to leave all her work complete.  And, she accomplished that.  I was so touched by her beauty and her courage and her deep acceptance that I wept.  Not out of sadness, but because I felt expanded by her.  I felt increased by just watching a six-minute video of her.  Here is the link if you would like to experience this video:  http://www.onbeing.org/blog/completely-free-be-vulnerable-martha-depp-art-and-cancer/2647

I'm more sensitive in my body and feel physical things, as well as energetic things, more than before.  I seem to hear and see on deeper levels.  And, it feels raw because this level of vulnerability, this state of less protection and more wholeness, is new and must be adjusted to.  But, as I integrate these changes, I become more settled and calm within myself.  I think we're all going through these changes.  I'm not the only one who's experiencing this.

There is so much going on for each and every one of us.  We're going through deep changes internally, and big changes externally.  People are moving, changing jobs, moving on from long-term relationships, beginning new and maybe unlikely relationships, and changing outworn perceptions in general.  Things are expanding for all of us very quickly on a global scale.  It's because all of us are opening our hearts more and more, and the result of that is change.  As our hearts open, we become more deeply aware of who we really are, and we realize that we've been living lives of adaptation, rather then lives of passion directed by our inner knowing.  Passion can be wild or it can be quiet and intense.  It is the deep flow of Life through each of us and our awareness of it and what it means.  It's when we act from that inner knowing.  Passion is true integrity.

It's not necessarily an easy transition from a life of adaptation to a life of passion, but it is a necessary one if we are ever to feel fully engaged with Life.  It's painful to realize that we might have lived the life that was thrust upon us by family or society or circumstance, and that it was not, has not been, the life we would have chosen for ourselves if we'd felt we'd had a choice.  But, we can always claim that life once the awareness of our adaptation becomes conscious.  We can always let go and start over.  We can always listen and act from our deepest place of connection to Life.  And, as we make this fundamental change, we inspire others to do so as well.  And, we contribute to a groundswell of passion that is birthing itself into the global collective.

I live a simple life at this point.  It's what I want after what seems like a long period of living a life of much complication and adaptation.  I've eliminated a lot from my life and gotten to know myself again, or maybe I should say, discovered my deeper Self in a way that I've not done up to this point.  And, the simplicity of my life is allowing me to be fully present with all the changes that I'm going through, that we're all going through together.  I'm so grateful for this time of real presence.  It changes things and has helped me to reorient my priorities and to see what's really important.  I used to be much more externally focused, even though I had an active internal life.  But now, I am more internally focused, and the interesting result of that is that I'm even more present in the external.  Who knew?

We're all on a journey of deep transformation and change.  It has been going on for a long time, and will continue for a long time to come.  We'll have times of respite in order to integrate and enjoy what we're going through, but we will keep plunging ahead and expanding and opening because we are alive, and Life is eternal and unending.  Physical bodies will come and go, where we choose to embody will change, but Life will continue unabated, filled with mystery and growth and the pure joy of experience.  We are Love embodied, and we're only just beginning to understand what that really means.

Right now, I'm grateful to be experiencing these waves of Love that wash through me and leave me changed forever.  I'm grateful for simple things and a simple life that allows me to fully experience it.  I'm grateful for this Life in this body, here and now, and for Life in general, in all the ways it manifests.  I'm grateful for the level of acceptance I've reached and the lack of expectation I currently have.  I am, once again, on my knees in gratitude. 

Emotionally Raw, But Happy

I can hear thunder, and the wind has picked up.  From my vantage point, I can see that it's raining in the valley below me.  The first monsoon?  Will they come early this year, after practically not even showing up for the last couple of years?

I had all my moving boxes stacked on the balcony, but if it rains, they'd all get soaked.  So now, they're all stacked in my living room, which isn't so much a living room anymore as a storage room.  I've packed quite a bit so far and I've got tall stacks of packed boxes sitting all over my space.  I don't move until the end of the month, but I want to get as much packed as possible as soon as possible so there is, hopefully, no crisis at the end.  I'd like everything to go as smoothly as possible in terms of being ready for the moving truck when it arrives.  It costs a small fortune to move across the country, and time is money.

I work through the packing at a slow pace.  Not everything will go, and so thought must be put into what is being packed.  Decisions must be made as to what goes and what gets given away.  Some days I'm quicker and some days I'm slower.  It all depends on what's being packed and which room draws me.  Lots of memories are being triggered, not only by what I go through as I pack, but also because I'm moving back to my home town, and specifically back to the part of town I lived in during my late teens and twenties before I left for what I then thought were greener pastures.

My cats follow me around and constantly check in, needing assurance as their world is thrown into chaos.  I sometimes spend hours just sitting and remembering and processing, what went before and what's happening now.  This is why I'm not waiting to pack.  This is why I'm doing it now.  If I have days after everything is packed before the truck gets here, that's fine.  But, I don't want to be rushing around at the end, still trying to throw things in boxes so they can be loaded onto the truck.

I've taken down all the art that has graced my walls and either packed what could be packed, or stacked it in the hallway.  I spent more time looking at it when I took it down than I have as I have lived with it.  I've taken it for granted in the way we do with things we see everyday.  So, packing it, or getting it ready to pack, has given me a chance to appreciate it and choose to continue to live with it.  As I pack, I get to re-choose what I keep.  And, over the last two moves, I've downsized a lot, so what stays is important.  And, I realize how little I really need.

I've been wandering like a gypsy for the last 40 years, but my feeling in moving back to San Diego is that my wandering days might be through.  That is not to say that I might not do some traveling, but I do feel that finally it will be possible to put down some roots.  There's a peace to moving back, an internal settling, an ahhhh.  Being near the ocean in San Diego makes me happy.  And, even though I've mostly enjoyed the places where I've lived in the last 40 years, being happy isn't something I would have said about myself.  But, I can feel happiness bubbling up from deep inside at the prospect of going home.

I love Albuquerque.  And, I'm grateful for how she's held me and nurtured me while I've been here.  I'm grateful for the wonderful friends I've made here.  And, I will always hold this place of immense beauty close to my heart.  I talk to the Deva of the city as I drive around her.   I thank her for all she's given me.  And, I say goodbye.  This goodbye is not an easy one.  I've left so many people and places over the years, and I don't remember ever having this much emotion in a leave-taking.  This city has been very good to me.

I've been emotionally raw and many tears have been falling.  Much has come up for review on its way out, and my being has struggled to process everything and keep up with all the movement.  But, I know that everything that's showing itself to me as it goes, must go in order to make room for what is to come.  So, I'm grateful for the movement, but I go in and out of the overwhelm that it can cause.

I'm happy with what is before me, and I honor everything that has gone before.  Honor, and sometimes mourn, for there are things I realize as they come up, that I have not mourned, and the mourning must be done, or we are not complete with what has come before.  I am receiving gifts of awareness from that mourning, and growing in ways I wish I could have grown when I was younger.  But, at least the lessons and gifts are settling upon me now; and, better late than never.

So, this period of packing and moving is exciting and bittersweet.  And, it gives me a chance to feel gratitude for many things that have gone before, as well as for all of what is here now.  This gift of reflection is a wonderful thing, part of the letting go that must happen as I move forward.  And, it helps me to move forward with a full heart, ready for what Life has in store for me now.  I'm excited for the next chapter, and I'm embracing the ever-expanding happiness that's growing within me.  And, I am grateful.  Ever grateful.