I don't want to do much of anything. I don't have a lot of energy, and I'm not feeling inclined toward anything. So, I'm not doing anything.
I've spent a lot of energy over the last few weeks looking for work. But, nothing has opened up yet, and the whole process seems to be draining me. I've lost all desire to not only go to work but to look for work. Time to back off and take a break.
When things are in alignment for me, they usually happen pretty quickly. And, when I decided to look for work in San Diego, the idea had energy. But, all that energy has now dissipated. And, all the doors have so far been closed. That means a bit of a reboot is in order. So, Life might be saying "no" to what I've been looking for; or, it might be saying "not now." I'm not sure. But, by taking a pause, I'm giving myself some time to see if things become more clear, or if inspiration comes in regard to something else. Whatever comes next, without any clarity, I'm just spinning my wheels.
The new field isn't about pushing things or willing things to happen or spinning our wheels. The new field is about alignment with what is of essence. So, I need to realign and see what is of essence now. Taking a step back and doing whatever brings me joy will be much more effective than pushing forward to look for work when everything is saying "no."
So, for now, the work search is off. And, this week is about having fun. And, that's something I have energy for.
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Freedom, Control and Relationships
I've got a lavender cheesecake in the oven. Yes, a lavender cheesecake. I got the recipe at:
http://www.gimmesomeoven.com/lavender-cheesecake
...in case you'd like to make your own lavender cheesecake.
I've got visitors coming on Sunday and Monday and I wanted to make something special. I'm cooking other things as well, but...lavender cheesecake. I've never heard of such a thing. I've also never made a cheesecake, so I've got my fingers crossed that it turns out. I don't know if mine will look as gorgeous as the one in the photo, but no matter what it looks like, it should taste amazing.
I'm finally settled enough in my new apartment that I'm cooking. Cooking is a very nurturing and grounding thing to do. It's such a zen activity, all the chopping and stirring and measuring and combining. I find it settles me and connects me into a deeper part of myself. It takes patience, and it's so rewarding. You get something that's filled with love and so nourishing for your efforts. I haven't really cooked since my early twenties until I retired from script supervising last year. And, I'm so enjoying cooking again.
I'm loving my new apartment. It's got a kind of tree house feel to it. I'm up high, so I look out over the roofs below me and there are lots of trees. The only connection I have to another unit is the one below me, so it feels very private as well. I can see four tall palm trees out my office window, which is so Southern California. I grew up in San Diego and I didn't realize, until recently, how engrained this place is within me. Even though it's been about 35 years since I lived here, there are places here that are part of me and always will be. There are images and sounds and aromas that are part of this place that trigger deep memories from long ago.
Some of what's come up since I've moved here is joyful and happy, but some of what's come up is painful and sad. The joyful, happy memories nurture me and help me to realize that I can create joyful, happy experiences now. The painful, sad memories are grist for the spiritual mill. I look at why they are so painful and sad, and learn from them as I can now, but couldn't when they were happening. I recapture parts of myself. I forgive myself and generate compassion for the part of me that was wounded. I nurture myself back into wholeness as I integrate the lessons that I've only been able to learn now...better late than never. But, the damage that was done, and the length of the effect it had, is staggering. Coming to terms with the past, and integrating the lessons inherent in it, is an ongoing process.
I feel the veil of the past lifting, though. I have moments of deep joy. Not an exuberant, external joy, but a deep, quiet joy that surprises me. This joy is peaceful and fulfilling. It's not attached to anything, it arises from within for no particular reason.
Most of what's come up for me is in regard to relationships. I'm realizing that I've had an overlay of control connected to a need to be free that was misinterpreted and that played itself out in my relationships. I projected a lack of freedom onto my relationships, when in reality I am now and have always been free. I made a decision that the only way I could be in relationship and be free was to be in control, and so I chose partners with whom I could maintain control. But, this made those relationships very unsatisfying and unsustainable. Because I now realize that my freedom is a constant, and that no one and no relationship can take it from me, I look forward to creating new mutually loving relationships as who I am now.
This healing would not have taken place had I not decided to move back to San Diego. It took coming back here to trigger the old wounds so they could be healed and transformed. I didn't know this until I'd made the decision to move. But, such is the way Life works. The inspiration to do something is always for a reason, but we often don't know the reason until we commit to the doing. The commitment to the doing comes from faith, faith in Life and faith in oneself. The value it holds starts to reveal itself in the living of the choice.
It's time to check my lavender cheesecake and see how it's transformed itself from what it was when it went into the oven to what it is now. And, such it is with each of us. We put ourselves into the fire of transformation by coming into awareness of those things that limit us, taking responsibility for them, forgiving them, and loving ourselves forward and applying what we've learned. Life gives us unlimited chances to expand and grow. And, as my lavender cheesecake will come out of the oven in a whole and delicious state, we come out of the fire of transformation able to live a more whole and delicious life. My life is very yummy right now and I'm beyond grateful for the awareness that allows me to appreciate it. I'm so grateful, always grateful.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
A New Era
It's the 4th of July. It's 9:00pm, and a huge fireworks display just started going off with a vengeance. I've chosen to stay in my hotel room with my kitties because the fireworks explosions just across the street from where we are, accompanied by cheering crowds of people and police sirens, is not what they consider to be a good time. The building is also shaking in response to the explosions, so without me here with them, they'd think all kinds of dire things were happening.
It's not my choice to be staying in a hotel across the street from where the fireworks are happening. But, it's the only hotel close to my new apartment that would take me and my three kitties. Finding a pet friendly hotel that will let me leave the kitties in the room unattended and not caged was a bit difficult. We arrived this morning from Albuquerque after driving all night. And, we don't get to move in to our new apartment until Saturday. So, this noisy little cubby of a room is our temporary living space.
The trip from Albuquerque was thirteen hours, driven at night to avoid the heat that's been high across the Southwest. When you drive at night, it's just you and the road. There's no scenery to enjoy or distract you from the monotony of endless hours of driving. There is less traffic to deal with, there are less trucks to pass, but there are more blinding headlights--in front and behind. And, there's the body's desire for sleep because, normally, you'd be comfortably in bed dreaming as the night passed. But, my desire to get to California was strong, and my desire to keep the kitties cooler and more comfortable was my main objective. I drive very fast, and even with that, the hours of the drive dragged on endlessly. But, as the morning dawned, we managed to pull in to our hotel in Ocean Beach at around 6:30am. Another plus to the hotel is that they agreed to let me check in at this hour without an extra charge.
When we left Albuquerque, the kitties were in their carriers perched above piled-up luggage so that they could see out the front window of the car. They were not happy about being trapped in their carriers and the prospect of time on the road, so they yelled at me incessantly. About 15 minutes into the drive, my older female had an unfortunate attack of nervous diarrhea in her carrier. At this point, the kitties escalated their yelling to all out screaming. We were no where near a gas station, and all I could hope was that one would appear soon. About 15 minutes later, thank goodness, I pulled off at a gas station attached to one of the numerous New Mexico casinos.
I took my cat into the travel services building looking for the bathroom. I was horrified to find it and realize it was not an enclosed space at all. It was one of those bathrooms that you walk around a wall extension into without a door. And, all the stalls opened into the room. I stopped in my tracks and tried to think how I'd be able to remove my upset cat from her carrier and clean her and it without losing her into the depths of the huge travel services building. I finally proceeded into the handicapped stall, put her carrier on the floor, opened it, and lifted her out. She tried to escape, but I managed to capture her with my lightening reflexes. Adrenaline does amazing things to the body.
She was covered in feces as was the carrier. I plunged ahead. She's my child. What's a little shit? She allowed me to wipe her off as best I could. She then, thank God, decided to allow me to hold her with one hand while I wiped out the carrier with my other hand. I removed her soft carrier pad because it was not salvageable. I'd brought a plastic bag in with me into which the soiled pad went and then into the trash can. Once the carrier was cleaned as well as I could clean it under the circumstances, she went back in...willingly. At this point, I realized I had shit on my t-shirt and my pants. Deep sigh. I did my best to clean it off so I didn't reek the whole rest of the way to San Diego. With both of us a little worse for wear, we then trudged out of the bathroom and headed for the car.
I put my dear, semi-traumatized cat back in the car. The other two kitties were happy to see her and to realize that things had been cleaned up. We headed out again. Take 2. My cats continued to yell at me for most of the thirteen hours of the drive. There were times when they were especially loud, other times when they whimpered softly, and other times when they meowed in indignant, staccato bursts. It was horrifying. And, because of the previous diarrhea event, I prayed that the continuous meows would not result in further messy incidents. My prayers were answered. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I am now in the part of San Diego where I lived in my late teens and early twenties. It was in this place that I first lived when I moved out of my parent's house and was on my own. It was in this place that I first fell in love. The joyous part of my youth was spent here, and now I return. I've been gone for almost 40 years. A very long time. Lots of water under the bridge. And yet, the joy of my youth remains and colors my perceptions of this place. I am ecstatic to be at the beach again. I am ecstatic to be near the ocean...specifically, to be near this beach, and this part of the ocean. It is a beautiful place and I feel nurtured by it visually and energetically.
We can't repeat the past. Things happen and go by and new things arise in their place. My happy youth and the love of that time are long gone. I am not that girl anymore. The woman I am now is very different from that carefree girl. And yet, it makes me feel hopeful to be here. I've been in a bit of limbo since I retired from script supervising a year ago. But, I now feel another chapter starting. I'm not yet clear how things will go or what shape they will take, but I feel hopeful about things in a way that I haven't for a very long time. The other benefit of being here is that I get to be near my sister. We weren't that close for many years, each of us living our lives and going our separate ways. But, in the last year, we've become closer and we've talked to each other more frequently, and I'm so happy to now be living close to her.
So, I start my life again, as I've done many times in the past, but with more hope this time. And, this time, I'm looking forward to settling and creating a life that nurtures and sustains me with its continuity. I'm tired of constant traveling, and of moving over and over. I'm wanting some stability at this point.
I soak in the essence of this place and allow all the memories to flow through me. I enjoy them and thank them and focus on the now and what I want to create in this moment. I embark on this new chapter quieter than in my youth, with a heart that's more open, with more subdued expectations, and with a greater ability to accept and enjoy the now. And, once again, and always, I am eternally grateful.
It's not my choice to be staying in a hotel across the street from where the fireworks are happening. But, it's the only hotel close to my new apartment that would take me and my three kitties. Finding a pet friendly hotel that will let me leave the kitties in the room unattended and not caged was a bit difficult. We arrived this morning from Albuquerque after driving all night. And, we don't get to move in to our new apartment until Saturday. So, this noisy little cubby of a room is our temporary living space.
The trip from Albuquerque was thirteen hours, driven at night to avoid the heat that's been high across the Southwest. When you drive at night, it's just you and the road. There's no scenery to enjoy or distract you from the monotony of endless hours of driving. There is less traffic to deal with, there are less trucks to pass, but there are more blinding headlights--in front and behind. And, there's the body's desire for sleep because, normally, you'd be comfortably in bed dreaming as the night passed. But, my desire to get to California was strong, and my desire to keep the kitties cooler and more comfortable was my main objective. I drive very fast, and even with that, the hours of the drive dragged on endlessly. But, as the morning dawned, we managed to pull in to our hotel in Ocean Beach at around 6:30am. Another plus to the hotel is that they agreed to let me check in at this hour without an extra charge.
When we left Albuquerque, the kitties were in their carriers perched above piled-up luggage so that they could see out the front window of the car. They were not happy about being trapped in their carriers and the prospect of time on the road, so they yelled at me incessantly. About 15 minutes into the drive, my older female had an unfortunate attack of nervous diarrhea in her carrier. At this point, the kitties escalated their yelling to all out screaming. We were no where near a gas station, and all I could hope was that one would appear soon. About 15 minutes later, thank goodness, I pulled off at a gas station attached to one of the numerous New Mexico casinos.
I took my cat into the travel services building looking for the bathroom. I was horrified to find it and realize it was not an enclosed space at all. It was one of those bathrooms that you walk around a wall extension into without a door. And, all the stalls opened into the room. I stopped in my tracks and tried to think how I'd be able to remove my upset cat from her carrier and clean her and it without losing her into the depths of the huge travel services building. I finally proceeded into the handicapped stall, put her carrier on the floor, opened it, and lifted her out. She tried to escape, but I managed to capture her with my lightening reflexes. Adrenaline does amazing things to the body.
She was covered in feces as was the carrier. I plunged ahead. She's my child. What's a little shit? She allowed me to wipe her off as best I could. She then, thank God, decided to allow me to hold her with one hand while I wiped out the carrier with my other hand. I removed her soft carrier pad because it was not salvageable. I'd brought a plastic bag in with me into which the soiled pad went and then into the trash can. Once the carrier was cleaned as well as I could clean it under the circumstances, she went back in...willingly. At this point, I realized I had shit on my t-shirt and my pants. Deep sigh. I did my best to clean it off so I didn't reek the whole rest of the way to San Diego. With both of us a little worse for wear, we then trudged out of the bathroom and headed for the car.
I put my dear, semi-traumatized cat back in the car. The other two kitties were happy to see her and to realize that things had been cleaned up. We headed out again. Take 2. My cats continued to yell at me for most of the thirteen hours of the drive. There were times when they were especially loud, other times when they whimpered softly, and other times when they meowed in indignant, staccato bursts. It was horrifying. And, because of the previous diarrhea event, I prayed that the continuous meows would not result in further messy incidents. My prayers were answered. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I am now in the part of San Diego where I lived in my late teens and early twenties. It was in this place that I first lived when I moved out of my parent's house and was on my own. It was in this place that I first fell in love. The joyous part of my youth was spent here, and now I return. I've been gone for almost 40 years. A very long time. Lots of water under the bridge. And yet, the joy of my youth remains and colors my perceptions of this place. I am ecstatic to be at the beach again. I am ecstatic to be near the ocean...specifically, to be near this beach, and this part of the ocean. It is a beautiful place and I feel nurtured by it visually and energetically.
We can't repeat the past. Things happen and go by and new things arise in their place. My happy youth and the love of that time are long gone. I am not that girl anymore. The woman I am now is very different from that carefree girl. And yet, it makes me feel hopeful to be here. I've been in a bit of limbo since I retired from script supervising a year ago. But, I now feel another chapter starting. I'm not yet clear how things will go or what shape they will take, but I feel hopeful about things in a way that I haven't for a very long time. The other benefit of being here is that I get to be near my sister. We weren't that close for many years, each of us living our lives and going our separate ways. But, in the last year, we've become closer and we've talked to each other more frequently, and I'm so happy to now be living close to her.
So, I start my life again, as I've done many times in the past, but with more hope this time. And, this time, I'm looking forward to settling and creating a life that nurtures and sustains me with its continuity. I'm tired of constant traveling, and of moving over and over. I'm wanting some stability at this point.
I soak in the essence of this place and allow all the memories to flow through me. I enjoy them and thank them and focus on the now and what I want to create in this moment. I embark on this new chapter quieter than in my youth, with a heart that's more open, with more subdued expectations, and with a greater ability to accept and enjoy the now. And, once again, and always, I am eternally grateful.
Friday, June 7, 2013
Heart Opening
I've been so emotional lately. I've attributed it to the fact that I'm moving and that so much is being triggered within me. And, that is true, but it's not the whole reason.
It occurred to me today that my heart is opening in new and unfamiliar ways. Because I'm not used to this new level of vulnerability and compassion, I experience it as emotion. I go through levels of this opening where I'm emotional and raw, and then I integrate that level and things calm down, and then a new opening occurs and the emotional rawness returns. I finally realized that it's waves of energy coming in and triggering heart openings. I've been integrating and welcoming home parts of myself that got broken off at various points of my life, leaving because the way things were didn't allow them to stay and blossom. And so, my heart has been required to open in order to love them home and expand so that the wholeness of me can be present and have expression. Or, maybe it's because my heart is opening that those parts of me are able to come home. I think it's a combination of both.
I'm more sensitive in general. Things touch me deeply, more deeply than before. I watched a video this morning that was included in the most recent newsletter I'd received from Krista Tippet and her "On Being" series. It was about a young (33) artist, Martha Depp, who had ovarian cancer and who was dying. Her brother made the video as a tribute to her and her art. She was a very talented painter. She is the one speaking in the video. She has a soft voice and a frail form, but what was also obvious was that she was strong and courageous and inspiring. She accepted her state and welcomed the release it would bring. And, she painted. She wanted to leave all her work complete. And, she accomplished that. I was so touched by her beauty and her courage and her deep acceptance that I wept. Not out of sadness, but because I felt expanded by her. I felt increased by just watching a six-minute video of her. Here is the link if you would like to experience this video: http://www.onbeing.org/blog/completely-free-be-vulnerable-martha-depp-art-and-cancer/2647
I'm more sensitive in my body and feel physical things, as well as energetic things, more than before. I seem to hear and see on deeper levels. And, it feels raw because this level of vulnerability, this state of less protection and more wholeness, is new and must be adjusted to. But, as I integrate these changes, I become more settled and calm within myself. I think we're all going through these changes. I'm not the only one who's experiencing this.
There is so much going on for each and every one of us. We're going through deep changes internally, and big changes externally. People are moving, changing jobs, moving on from long-term relationships, beginning new and maybe unlikely relationships, and changing outworn perceptions in general. Things are expanding for all of us very quickly on a global scale. It's because all of us are opening our hearts more and more, and the result of that is change. As our hearts open, we become more deeply aware of who we really are, and we realize that we've been living lives of adaptation, rather then lives of passion directed by our inner knowing. Passion can be wild or it can be quiet and intense. It is the deep flow of Life through each of us and our awareness of it and what it means. It's when we act from that inner knowing. Passion is true integrity.
It's not necessarily an easy transition from a life of adaptation to a life of passion, but it is a necessary one if we are ever to feel fully engaged with Life. It's painful to realize that we might have lived the life that was thrust upon us by family or society or circumstance, and that it was not, has not been, the life we would have chosen for ourselves if we'd felt we'd had a choice. But, we can always claim that life once the awareness of our adaptation becomes conscious. We can always let go and start over. We can always listen and act from our deepest place of connection to Life. And, as we make this fundamental change, we inspire others to do so as well. And, we contribute to a groundswell of passion that is birthing itself into the global collective.
I live a simple life at this point. It's what I want after what seems like a long period of living a life of much complication and adaptation. I've eliminated a lot from my life and gotten to know myself again, or maybe I should say, discovered my deeper Self in a way that I've not done up to this point. And, the simplicity of my life is allowing me to be fully present with all the changes that I'm going through, that we're all going through together. I'm so grateful for this time of real presence. It changes things and has helped me to reorient my priorities and to see what's really important. I used to be much more externally focused, even though I had an active internal life. But now, I am more internally focused, and the interesting result of that is that I'm even more present in the external. Who knew?
We're all on a journey of deep transformation and change. It has been going on for a long time, and will continue for a long time to come. We'll have times of respite in order to integrate and enjoy what we're going through, but we will keep plunging ahead and expanding and opening because we are alive, and Life is eternal and unending. Physical bodies will come and go, where we choose to embody will change, but Life will continue unabated, filled with mystery and growth and the pure joy of experience. We are Love embodied, and we're only just beginning to understand what that really means.
Right now, I'm grateful to be experiencing these waves of Love that wash through me and leave me changed forever. I'm grateful for simple things and a simple life that allows me to fully experience it. I'm grateful for this Life in this body, here and now, and for Life in general, in all the ways it manifests. I'm grateful for the level of acceptance I've reached and the lack of expectation I currently have. I am, once again, on my knees in gratitude.
It occurred to me today that my heart is opening in new and unfamiliar ways. Because I'm not used to this new level of vulnerability and compassion, I experience it as emotion. I go through levels of this opening where I'm emotional and raw, and then I integrate that level and things calm down, and then a new opening occurs and the emotional rawness returns. I finally realized that it's waves of energy coming in and triggering heart openings. I've been integrating and welcoming home parts of myself that got broken off at various points of my life, leaving because the way things were didn't allow them to stay and blossom. And so, my heart has been required to open in order to love them home and expand so that the wholeness of me can be present and have expression. Or, maybe it's because my heart is opening that those parts of me are able to come home. I think it's a combination of both.
I'm more sensitive in general. Things touch me deeply, more deeply than before. I watched a video this morning that was included in the most recent newsletter I'd received from Krista Tippet and her "On Being" series. It was about a young (33) artist, Martha Depp, who had ovarian cancer and who was dying. Her brother made the video as a tribute to her and her art. She was a very talented painter. She is the one speaking in the video. She has a soft voice and a frail form, but what was also obvious was that she was strong and courageous and inspiring. She accepted her state and welcomed the release it would bring. And, she painted. She wanted to leave all her work complete. And, she accomplished that. I was so touched by her beauty and her courage and her deep acceptance that I wept. Not out of sadness, but because I felt expanded by her. I felt increased by just watching a six-minute video of her. Here is the link if you would like to experience this video: http://www.onbeing.org/blog/completely-free-be-vulnerable-martha-depp-art-and-cancer/2647
I'm more sensitive in my body and feel physical things, as well as energetic things, more than before. I seem to hear and see on deeper levels. And, it feels raw because this level of vulnerability, this state of less protection and more wholeness, is new and must be adjusted to. But, as I integrate these changes, I become more settled and calm within myself. I think we're all going through these changes. I'm not the only one who's experiencing this.
There is so much going on for each and every one of us. We're going through deep changes internally, and big changes externally. People are moving, changing jobs, moving on from long-term relationships, beginning new and maybe unlikely relationships, and changing outworn perceptions in general. Things are expanding for all of us very quickly on a global scale. It's because all of us are opening our hearts more and more, and the result of that is change. As our hearts open, we become more deeply aware of who we really are, and we realize that we've been living lives of adaptation, rather then lives of passion directed by our inner knowing. Passion can be wild or it can be quiet and intense. It is the deep flow of Life through each of us and our awareness of it and what it means. It's when we act from that inner knowing. Passion is true integrity.
It's not necessarily an easy transition from a life of adaptation to a life of passion, but it is a necessary one if we are ever to feel fully engaged with Life. It's painful to realize that we might have lived the life that was thrust upon us by family or society or circumstance, and that it was not, has not been, the life we would have chosen for ourselves if we'd felt we'd had a choice. But, we can always claim that life once the awareness of our adaptation becomes conscious. We can always let go and start over. We can always listen and act from our deepest place of connection to Life. And, as we make this fundamental change, we inspire others to do so as well. And, we contribute to a groundswell of passion that is birthing itself into the global collective.
I live a simple life at this point. It's what I want after what seems like a long period of living a life of much complication and adaptation. I've eliminated a lot from my life and gotten to know myself again, or maybe I should say, discovered my deeper Self in a way that I've not done up to this point. And, the simplicity of my life is allowing me to be fully present with all the changes that I'm going through, that we're all going through together. I'm so grateful for this time of real presence. It changes things and has helped me to reorient my priorities and to see what's really important. I used to be much more externally focused, even though I had an active internal life. But now, I am more internally focused, and the interesting result of that is that I'm even more present in the external. Who knew?
We're all on a journey of deep transformation and change. It has been going on for a long time, and will continue for a long time to come. We'll have times of respite in order to integrate and enjoy what we're going through, but we will keep plunging ahead and expanding and opening because we are alive, and Life is eternal and unending. Physical bodies will come and go, where we choose to embody will change, but Life will continue unabated, filled with mystery and growth and the pure joy of experience. We are Love embodied, and we're only just beginning to understand what that really means.
Right now, I'm grateful to be experiencing these waves of Love that wash through me and leave me changed forever. I'm grateful for simple things and a simple life that allows me to fully experience it. I'm grateful for this Life in this body, here and now, and for Life in general, in all the ways it manifests. I'm grateful for the level of acceptance I've reached and the lack of expectation I currently have. I am, once again, on my knees in gratitude.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Emotionally Raw, But Happy
I can hear thunder, and the wind has picked up. From my vantage point, I can see that it's raining in the valley below me. The first monsoon? Will they come early this year, after practically not even showing up for the last couple of years?
I had all my moving boxes stacked on the balcony, but if it rains, they'd all get soaked. So now, they're all stacked in my living room, which isn't so much a living room anymore as a storage room. I've packed quite a bit so far and I've got tall stacks of packed boxes sitting all over my space. I don't move until the end of the month, but I want to get as much packed as possible as soon as possible so there is, hopefully, no crisis at the end. I'd like everything to go as smoothly as possible in terms of being ready for the moving truck when it arrives. It costs a small fortune to move across the country, and time is money.
I work through the packing at a slow pace. Not everything will go, and so thought must be put into what is being packed. Decisions must be made as to what goes and what gets given away. Some days I'm quicker and some days I'm slower. It all depends on what's being packed and which room draws me. Lots of memories are being triggered, not only by what I go through as I pack, but also because I'm moving back to my home town, and specifically back to the part of town I lived in during my late teens and twenties before I left for what I then thought were greener pastures.
My cats follow me around and constantly check in, needing assurance as their world is thrown into chaos. I sometimes spend hours just sitting and remembering and processing, what went before and what's happening now. This is why I'm not waiting to pack. This is why I'm doing it now. If I have days after everything is packed before the truck gets here, that's fine. But, I don't want to be rushing around at the end, still trying to throw things in boxes so they can be loaded onto the truck.
I've taken down all the art that has graced my walls and either packed what could be packed, or stacked it in the hallway. I spent more time looking at it when I took it down than I have as I have lived with it. I've taken it for granted in the way we do with things we see everyday. So, packing it, or getting it ready to pack, has given me a chance to appreciate it and choose to continue to live with it. As I pack, I get to re-choose what I keep. And, over the last two moves, I've downsized a lot, so what stays is important. And, I realize how little I really need.
I've been wandering like a gypsy for the last 40 years, but my feeling in moving back to San Diego is that my wandering days might be through. That is not to say that I might not do some traveling, but I do feel that finally it will be possible to put down some roots. There's a peace to moving back, an internal settling, an ahhhh. Being near the ocean in San Diego makes me happy. And, even though I've mostly enjoyed the places where I've lived in the last 40 years, being happy isn't something I would have said about myself. But, I can feel happiness bubbling up from deep inside at the prospect of going home.
I love Albuquerque. And, I'm grateful for how she's held me and nurtured me while I've been here. I'm grateful for the wonderful friends I've made here. And, I will always hold this place of immense beauty close to my heart. I talk to the Deva of the city as I drive around her. I thank her for all she's given me. And, I say goodbye. This goodbye is not an easy one. I've left so many people and places over the years, and I don't remember ever having this much emotion in a leave-taking. This city has been very good to me.
I've been emotionally raw and many tears have been falling. Much has come up for review on its way out, and my being has struggled to process everything and keep up with all the movement. But, I know that everything that's showing itself to me as it goes, must go in order to make room for what is to come. So, I'm grateful for the movement, but I go in and out of the overwhelm that it can cause.
I'm happy with what is before me, and I honor everything that has gone before. Honor, and sometimes mourn, for there are things I realize as they come up, that I have not mourned, and the mourning must be done, or we are not complete with what has come before. I am receiving gifts of awareness from that mourning, and growing in ways I wish I could have grown when I was younger. But, at least the lessons and gifts are settling upon me now; and, better late than never.
So, this period of packing and moving is exciting and bittersweet. And, it gives me a chance to feel gratitude for many things that have gone before, as well as for all of what is here now. This gift of reflection is a wonderful thing, part of the letting go that must happen as I move forward. And, it helps me to move forward with a full heart, ready for what Life has in store for me now. I'm excited for the next chapter, and I'm embracing the ever-expanding happiness that's growing within me. And, I am grateful. Ever grateful.
I had all my moving boxes stacked on the balcony, but if it rains, they'd all get soaked. So now, they're all stacked in my living room, which isn't so much a living room anymore as a storage room. I've packed quite a bit so far and I've got tall stacks of packed boxes sitting all over my space. I don't move until the end of the month, but I want to get as much packed as possible as soon as possible so there is, hopefully, no crisis at the end. I'd like everything to go as smoothly as possible in terms of being ready for the moving truck when it arrives. It costs a small fortune to move across the country, and time is money.
I work through the packing at a slow pace. Not everything will go, and so thought must be put into what is being packed. Decisions must be made as to what goes and what gets given away. Some days I'm quicker and some days I'm slower. It all depends on what's being packed and which room draws me. Lots of memories are being triggered, not only by what I go through as I pack, but also because I'm moving back to my home town, and specifically back to the part of town I lived in during my late teens and twenties before I left for what I then thought were greener pastures.
My cats follow me around and constantly check in, needing assurance as their world is thrown into chaos. I sometimes spend hours just sitting and remembering and processing, what went before and what's happening now. This is why I'm not waiting to pack. This is why I'm doing it now. If I have days after everything is packed before the truck gets here, that's fine. But, I don't want to be rushing around at the end, still trying to throw things in boxes so they can be loaded onto the truck.
I've taken down all the art that has graced my walls and either packed what could be packed, or stacked it in the hallway. I spent more time looking at it when I took it down than I have as I have lived with it. I've taken it for granted in the way we do with things we see everyday. So, packing it, or getting it ready to pack, has given me a chance to appreciate it and choose to continue to live with it. As I pack, I get to re-choose what I keep. And, over the last two moves, I've downsized a lot, so what stays is important. And, I realize how little I really need.
I've been wandering like a gypsy for the last 40 years, but my feeling in moving back to San Diego is that my wandering days might be through. That is not to say that I might not do some traveling, but I do feel that finally it will be possible to put down some roots. There's a peace to moving back, an internal settling, an ahhhh. Being near the ocean in San Diego makes me happy. And, even though I've mostly enjoyed the places where I've lived in the last 40 years, being happy isn't something I would have said about myself. But, I can feel happiness bubbling up from deep inside at the prospect of going home.
I love Albuquerque. And, I'm grateful for how she's held me and nurtured me while I've been here. I'm grateful for the wonderful friends I've made here. And, I will always hold this place of immense beauty close to my heart. I talk to the Deva of the city as I drive around her. I thank her for all she's given me. And, I say goodbye. This goodbye is not an easy one. I've left so many people and places over the years, and I don't remember ever having this much emotion in a leave-taking. This city has been very good to me.
I've been emotionally raw and many tears have been falling. Much has come up for review on its way out, and my being has struggled to process everything and keep up with all the movement. But, I know that everything that's showing itself to me as it goes, must go in order to make room for what is to come. So, I'm grateful for the movement, but I go in and out of the overwhelm that it can cause.
I'm happy with what is before me, and I honor everything that has gone before. Honor, and sometimes mourn, for there are things I realize as they come up, that I have not mourned, and the mourning must be done, or we are not complete with what has come before. I am receiving gifts of awareness from that mourning, and growing in ways I wish I could have grown when I was younger. But, at least the lessons and gifts are settling upon me now; and, better late than never.
So, this period of packing and moving is exciting and bittersweet. And, it gives me a chance to feel gratitude for many things that have gone before, as well as for all of what is here now. This gift of reflection is a wonderful thing, part of the letting go that must happen as I move forward. And, it helps me to move forward with a full heart, ready for what Life has in store for me now. I'm excited for the next chapter, and I'm embracing the ever-expanding happiness that's growing within me. And, I am grateful. Ever grateful.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Living DNA
DNA is not fixed. It's changeable, and it changes to reflect our current state of consciousness. As we grow and develop, it changes to reflect that. It also upgrades through body communication with beloveds and friends.
As we communicate with those close to us, through the proximity of our physical bodies, we are also communicating cellularly and our DNA is exchanging information. The more varied our DNA, the better. It makes us stronger, and it opens up avenues for growth and change, that make growth and change more possible.
Anna, Saint Anne as she is known in the Catholic church, the mother of Mary and the grandmother of Yeshua (Jesus), was a highly developed spiritual adept. She studied matters of the Spirit with masters in Palestine, Egypt, India, England, and throughout the Mediterranean area. She was also a physical immortal, having mastered the practices of cellular regeneration. She lived for 400 years before she was fully prepared and ready to birth Mary. The level of light that Mary carried had to be brought forth through one who could match the vibration, or the pregnancy wouldn't have succeeded. All of Anna's preparation and development affected and grew her DNA and raised her vibratory level.
Mary had Yeshua when she was 16 years old. It was beneficial to the process of bringing him through to have him as young as possible while still ensuring the safety of them both. She was protected within a community of Essenes who knew who she was and what she had been born to do. She followed a course of spiritual study, developing herself for the task of birthing Yeshua. Though she had a very high vibration herself, by birthing Yeshua while she was as young as possible, she was in a more pure state with fewer things to transmute within herself and was able to keep her vibration high enough to sync with Yeshua's. To raise the level of the DNA that would be passed on to Yeshua even higher, Mary's DNA was combined with a combination of off-planet DNA, and although human, Yeshua brought with him a new hybridization of DNA to the planet.
Yeshua had a number of children, through whom his more expanded and informed DNA was passed on to the generations that followed. And, when Yeshua's public mission was complete and he retreated to India with his wives and some of his children, the rest of the family dispersed themselves over far reaches of geography in order to spread their DNA throughout the world as best they could. They were also in hiding and running for their lives from those who felt so threatened by their awareness and the light they carried that they wanted to kill them.
At this point in time, either through direct genetic transmission, or through physical proximity and energetic tramsmission, we all carry the DNA that Yeshua brought in to the planet. We've all received the upgrade. And, our DNA is continuing to upgrade and transform as our planet upgrades and transforms. The DNA that was implanted in the time of Yeshua has done its job and brought us to the point where we can be receptive to the upgrades we're in the process of receiving now.
We travel much more now than peoples of the past. And, as we travel, we are in the process of upgrading and expanding our DNA, which makes it more possible to receive and integrate the light infusions we're all currently being given. As each one of us heals, transmutes the past, and raises our consciousness, we lift each other up. None of us do this work alone. Since the Life that lives us is the same, and we are all part and parcel of the same energetic field, we are inextricably linked.
So, know that you have Christed DNA in your chain. It's there, affecting and transforming each and every one us every second. It's been in the chain of planetary DNA for two millennia, working to prepare and open us for the planetary upgrade and vibrational change we're all experiencing right now. We came in knowing what we were going to be participating in and wanting to be here. We've prepared for lifetimes on more planets than this one to be ready for this opportunity to grow in consciousness and uplift our vibration in sync with our planet as we move into a new dimension. And, we are ready. No matter what it looks like in the world of form, we got this.
As we communicate with those close to us, through the proximity of our physical bodies, we are also communicating cellularly and our DNA is exchanging information. The more varied our DNA, the better. It makes us stronger, and it opens up avenues for growth and change, that make growth and change more possible.
Anna, Saint Anne as she is known in the Catholic church, the mother of Mary and the grandmother of Yeshua (Jesus), was a highly developed spiritual adept. She studied matters of the Spirit with masters in Palestine, Egypt, India, England, and throughout the Mediterranean area. She was also a physical immortal, having mastered the practices of cellular regeneration. She lived for 400 years before she was fully prepared and ready to birth Mary. The level of light that Mary carried had to be brought forth through one who could match the vibration, or the pregnancy wouldn't have succeeded. All of Anna's preparation and development affected and grew her DNA and raised her vibratory level.
Mary had Yeshua when she was 16 years old. It was beneficial to the process of bringing him through to have him as young as possible while still ensuring the safety of them both. She was protected within a community of Essenes who knew who she was and what she had been born to do. She followed a course of spiritual study, developing herself for the task of birthing Yeshua. Though she had a very high vibration herself, by birthing Yeshua while she was as young as possible, she was in a more pure state with fewer things to transmute within herself and was able to keep her vibration high enough to sync with Yeshua's. To raise the level of the DNA that would be passed on to Yeshua even higher, Mary's DNA was combined with a combination of off-planet DNA, and although human, Yeshua brought with him a new hybridization of DNA to the planet.
Yeshua had a number of children, through whom his more expanded and informed DNA was passed on to the generations that followed. And, when Yeshua's public mission was complete and he retreated to India with his wives and some of his children, the rest of the family dispersed themselves over far reaches of geography in order to spread their DNA throughout the world as best they could. They were also in hiding and running for their lives from those who felt so threatened by their awareness and the light they carried that they wanted to kill them.
At this point in time, either through direct genetic transmission, or through physical proximity and energetic tramsmission, we all carry the DNA that Yeshua brought in to the planet. We've all received the upgrade. And, our DNA is continuing to upgrade and transform as our planet upgrades and transforms. The DNA that was implanted in the time of Yeshua has done its job and brought us to the point where we can be receptive to the upgrades we're in the process of receiving now.
We travel much more now than peoples of the past. And, as we travel, we are in the process of upgrading and expanding our DNA, which makes it more possible to receive and integrate the light infusions we're all currently being given. As each one of us heals, transmutes the past, and raises our consciousness, we lift each other up. None of us do this work alone. Since the Life that lives us is the same, and we are all part and parcel of the same energetic field, we are inextricably linked.
So, know that you have Christed DNA in your chain. It's there, affecting and transforming each and every one us every second. It's been in the chain of planetary DNA for two millennia, working to prepare and open us for the planetary upgrade and vibrational change we're all experiencing right now. We came in knowing what we were going to be participating in and wanting to be here. We've prepared for lifetimes on more planets than this one to be ready for this opportunity to grow in consciousness and uplift our vibration in sync with our planet as we move into a new dimension. And, we are ready. No matter what it looks like in the world of form, we got this.
Friday, May 10, 2013
Moving to San Diego
It's raining in Albuquerque. And, as something let go in the weather to allow the rain to fall, something seemed to let go in me today. I slowed down. I let go...a little.
I'm moving to San Diego. And, as much as my soul knows that that's my next step, my human is feeling some overwhelm and anxiety. If I could just teleport myself, my cats, and my stuff there, it would be okay; but, since that's not possible, the 3D physical stuff has got me going a little crazy. I also find the explaining of my actions to the people around me to be a bit stressful. If it was a mental decision with a string of logical steps and conclusions, it would be easier; but, it's a decision that comes from the depth of my being with more emotion than logic. And, since I moved to the place where I'm living only six months ago, the decision to move again is even more challenging to explain.
I've been having what I finally realized were panic attacks. My heart would race for no reason, I'd get short of breath with no cause. My digestion has been upset. For a while now, these symptoms have been passing me without registering. I would feel them, but then ignore them. But, today, because I slowed down and started to be with what was happening, I realized that my anxiety is taking physical expression.
I've moved more than the normal person. My family moved every two years for my whole childhood until we finally settled into a house that my parents bought when I started high school. I lived in that house for four years and then moved out to be on my own. I moved every few years, and sometimes every year, until I found the last apartment I had in Santa Monica. I lived there for eight years, which is the longest I've lived anywhere in my life. I've been in Albuquerque for almost five years and I've lived in four different places in that time. And, now, I'm moving everything back across the country to be in San Diego. Moving from one side of town to the other is a lot, but moving from one state to another is really daunting.
I downsized by half when I moved into the apartment where I am now. And, I'll downsize again as I get ready to pack for the move to California. I enjoy getting rid of things and having less. It always feels good to let stuff go. But, it takes time to go through everything and make all the decisions about what stays and what goes. And, it has an emotional component to it. A lot of emotions get triggered as one makes the decisions about what one needs, or wants, and what one needs to let go of. Moving doesn't just stir up things in a physical sense, it stirs up things on every level. So, apart from dealing with all of what the physical demands, there's a lot of internal stuff moving around and processing through as well.
Albuquerque has been a joy for the most part. I've loved this city and its people. There is an unsurpassing beauty here that has surrounded and nurtured me. And, I will miss the Sandia Mountains, which I love. But, my being needs the ocean. I ache and yearn for the water. I've never lived away from the water until I moved here. And, it didn't really bother me for the first four years because I was still traveling a lot and getting periods of time at the water. Things changed when I retired and the traveling stopped. I've been in Albuquerque for the last year with no time away, and my need for the ocean has made itself known loud and clear. I dream about the ocean. I dream of seagulls, and kelp drying in the sun on the beach. I smell the salty moisture of the water and feel the ting of it in the air. During the last animal communication session I had with my cats, they were showing images of the ocean to the animal communicator. She couldn't understand why they were showing her the ocean when we live in Albuquerque, but it's because they were picking it up from me.
Family is also calling. Over the last year, I've become much closer to my sister. We've been talking more over the phone and I've been missing her. So, by moving to San Diego, I get the ocean and I get family. Since I grew up in San Diego, it's like going home. But, I've now lived away from it for longer than I lived in it, so I know that it will be a very different place. And, I'm a different person. When I left in my 20's, I was looking for and wanting so many things. I had things to find out about myself and things to prove. But, as I come back now, I know myself and I have nothing to prove. I've done what I wanted to do and I've traveled the world. I'm a softer, quieter person who's been pretty much stripped to the bone.
I'm driving to San Diego first to find a place to live and then coming back to pack and move. I'm not looking forward to the drive, but it is what it is. I'm looking for places to live in the same, small beach community I lived in before I moved away from San Diego. And, I'll look for work as a waitress once I get there, which is what I did years and years ago. So, it's a real full-circle moment. I could arrange things so I didn't have to work, but I'm actually looking forward to working. I've had a year of total freedom and lack of structure, so I feel okay now about finding work. And, I like the idea of waitressing. I always enjoyed it when I did it before and I expect to enjoy it now.
I'm excited and melancholy all at the same time. I'm holding space for what is to come, and I'm honoring what is done and what I'm parting with. It's a new chapter, and I have no idea what it will hold, but I'm excited by the possibilities that it offers. I didn't know this was what I'd be doing until a couple of weeks ago. I'd felt something coming, but it hadn't taken shape yet. Then, rather suddenly, it became clear, and I knew where I was to go and what I had to do. All there is left is to do it. So, after a year of rest, I'm on my way. Wish me luck!
I'm moving to San Diego. And, as much as my soul knows that that's my next step, my human is feeling some overwhelm and anxiety. If I could just teleport myself, my cats, and my stuff there, it would be okay; but, since that's not possible, the 3D physical stuff has got me going a little crazy. I also find the explaining of my actions to the people around me to be a bit stressful. If it was a mental decision with a string of logical steps and conclusions, it would be easier; but, it's a decision that comes from the depth of my being with more emotion than logic. And, since I moved to the place where I'm living only six months ago, the decision to move again is even more challenging to explain.
I've been having what I finally realized were panic attacks. My heart would race for no reason, I'd get short of breath with no cause. My digestion has been upset. For a while now, these symptoms have been passing me without registering. I would feel them, but then ignore them. But, today, because I slowed down and started to be with what was happening, I realized that my anxiety is taking physical expression.
I've moved more than the normal person. My family moved every two years for my whole childhood until we finally settled into a house that my parents bought when I started high school. I lived in that house for four years and then moved out to be on my own. I moved every few years, and sometimes every year, until I found the last apartment I had in Santa Monica. I lived there for eight years, which is the longest I've lived anywhere in my life. I've been in Albuquerque for almost five years and I've lived in four different places in that time. And, now, I'm moving everything back across the country to be in San Diego. Moving from one side of town to the other is a lot, but moving from one state to another is really daunting.
I downsized by half when I moved into the apartment where I am now. And, I'll downsize again as I get ready to pack for the move to California. I enjoy getting rid of things and having less. It always feels good to let stuff go. But, it takes time to go through everything and make all the decisions about what stays and what goes. And, it has an emotional component to it. A lot of emotions get triggered as one makes the decisions about what one needs, or wants, and what one needs to let go of. Moving doesn't just stir up things in a physical sense, it stirs up things on every level. So, apart from dealing with all of what the physical demands, there's a lot of internal stuff moving around and processing through as well.
Albuquerque has been a joy for the most part. I've loved this city and its people. There is an unsurpassing beauty here that has surrounded and nurtured me. And, I will miss the Sandia Mountains, which I love. But, my being needs the ocean. I ache and yearn for the water. I've never lived away from the water until I moved here. And, it didn't really bother me for the first four years because I was still traveling a lot and getting periods of time at the water. Things changed when I retired and the traveling stopped. I've been in Albuquerque for the last year with no time away, and my need for the ocean has made itself known loud and clear. I dream about the ocean. I dream of seagulls, and kelp drying in the sun on the beach. I smell the salty moisture of the water and feel the ting of it in the air. During the last animal communication session I had with my cats, they were showing images of the ocean to the animal communicator. She couldn't understand why they were showing her the ocean when we live in Albuquerque, but it's because they were picking it up from me.
Family is also calling. Over the last year, I've become much closer to my sister. We've been talking more over the phone and I've been missing her. So, by moving to San Diego, I get the ocean and I get family. Since I grew up in San Diego, it's like going home. But, I've now lived away from it for longer than I lived in it, so I know that it will be a very different place. And, I'm a different person. When I left in my 20's, I was looking for and wanting so many things. I had things to find out about myself and things to prove. But, as I come back now, I know myself and I have nothing to prove. I've done what I wanted to do and I've traveled the world. I'm a softer, quieter person who's been pretty much stripped to the bone.
I'm driving to San Diego first to find a place to live and then coming back to pack and move. I'm not looking forward to the drive, but it is what it is. I'm looking for places to live in the same, small beach community I lived in before I moved away from San Diego. And, I'll look for work as a waitress once I get there, which is what I did years and years ago. So, it's a real full-circle moment. I could arrange things so I didn't have to work, but I'm actually looking forward to working. I've had a year of total freedom and lack of structure, so I feel okay now about finding work. And, I like the idea of waitressing. I always enjoyed it when I did it before and I expect to enjoy it now.
I'm excited and melancholy all at the same time. I'm holding space for what is to come, and I'm honoring what is done and what I'm parting with. It's a new chapter, and I have no idea what it will hold, but I'm excited by the possibilities that it offers. I didn't know this was what I'd be doing until a couple of weeks ago. I'd felt something coming, but it hadn't taken shape yet. Then, rather suddenly, it became clear, and I knew where I was to go and what I had to do. All there is left is to do it. So, after a year of rest, I'm on my way. Wish me luck!
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