David Bowie's death is all over the media today, as it should be. A giant has passed from us and gone on to the next phase of his journey. We are sad at our loss of him, grateful for being alive on the planet with him and being given the chance to experience the brilliance of his work while we were here, and inspired by his ability to continue expressing his brilliance right up to his passing.
He was a master, in ways that many of us are not. He was not a big person physically, but he was indeed a big person in terms of his expression and his impact on all of us who knew of him or knew him, or received the grace of his work. I particularly revere the creatively unique and expressive people we've been gifted with because I've always struggled so with my own creativity, uniqueness and expression. David Bowie's ability to know who he was, embrace and accept himself, and then express himself out for us to learn from and enjoy was a rare gift of humanity for all of us to witness. We have so few souls among us who are able to do that at the level he did.
David Bowie's death also reminds me that no matter how we manage to live, none of us are exempt from the seeming vagaries of human life. Because of my own creative struggles, I can trick myself into a destination frame of mind about my own journey...if I could just express my creativity my life would be better, I would be better, I would be healthier, I would be more loved, I would be more accepted, I would be...fill in the blank. Many of us hinge things on the result of something else. And, it's such a misconception in terms of the way things work. I know this but it doesn't stop me from going there, all to often.
David Bowie was beautiful, successful, wealthy, creative, expressive, loved, talented...on and on and on. Those things gave him a rich and wonderful life, but not a life devoid of pain, heartbreak, loss, disappointment, sickness and all the other things we might consider negative that make up a human life. None of us are immune to the full spectrum of being human, no matter how masterful we are in any area of who we are or how we live. And, that's really the point. I sometimes have difficulty remembering that we all came here to experience life in a body in all of its aspects. And, some of those aspects rip us apart and bring us to our knees in despair and sorrow. But, those aspects of life that temporarily destroy us, and from which we need to rebirth ourselves and rise again, are the ones that build our character and through which we learn who we are and by which we are deepened and grow in compassion and understanding. They are the aspects that grow us and make us strong.
Nothing we do gets us out of anything. We can't avoid life. David Bowie didn't try to avoid life, he embraced it up until the moment he died. He lived fully and he died fully, surrounded by those who loved him. He showed us what a full life looks like and how to pass gracefully from this world. He left us with a great legacy from which we will all be able to expand ourselves and learn from for a long time to come. We will be uplifted by his work for generations. We will look upon images of his beauty in awe. He indelibly imprinted his vibration upon this planet and upon all of us who were lucky enough to be here with him.
We honor you as you pass from us, David. We will not forget you. On wings of angels! Fly free!
Monday, January 11, 2016
Friday, December 11, 2015
Inhabiting Our Creation
I have signed the rental contract for my apartment in Uzes, France. I have completed my pile of paperwork to submit to the French Consulate in Los Angeles for my long-stay visa. I've done everything I can do at this point in terms of paperwork that will allow me to transport my cat, Sophie, internationally. I've made my airline reservations and bought my one-way ticket to France. And, I continue packing and vacating my life in San Diego.
Moving from one country to another is a complicated business. As with all things, one doesn't really know what one is getting into until one starts on the path. I have days of great accomplishment and I have days of feeling lost where I wander around and get nothing done. But, on those days when nothing seemingly gets done, I think what's really happening is a lot of processing and integration. A good deal might be happening in the world of form, but it's internally where things are really rearranging themselves.
We feel a pull to something, and we move toward the pull, but in order for us to open to a new way of being and living, we have to change within ourselves. There is an alchemy that takes place within us that makes us able to move into and embrace the new life. We have to become the person who is able to live the life we see for ourselves. And, this type of alchemy takes a lot of energy. As we walk forward physically, creating the change in form, we are being transformed internally so that we are able to vibrate in resonance with the new choices we're making.
As we move forward we're confronted by new ideas, new situations, new ways of doing things, new ways of perceiving things, new people, new places, new language, new culture. It's all this newness that keeps things interesting and draws new Life through us. It is the newness that expands us and grows us. But, it is also the newness that tires us and overwhelms us and pushes us to our limits and beyond. Some days I just want peace and comfort. Some days I don't have the energy to greet the newness of things. Some days I want to hide and pull the bed covers over my head.
I still have a lot of steps to walk through to get from San Diego to Uzes, France. And, I do better when I focus on what's in front of me and do things as they show up to be done. It's when I look ahead at everything yet to be done and all of what remains that it can seem overwhelming. But, no matter what it is we ever do, it's done in bits and pieces, step by step. I tend to get ahead of myself. So, I need to constantly remind myself to stay present and to breathe. I also need to remind myself how amazingly well things are going. When I get ahead of myself I tend to fret when there's no real need to. When I'm able to stay present, I calm down.
I'm excited and I'm terrified by the big changes I've put into motion for myself. Big changes bring up big insecurities. But, it's in walking through the big changes that we quiet the noise of the insecurities and find confidence in ourselves. Change isn't easy. When Life calls us to something, it's usually not because it's easy or safe or comfortable; it's because it's challenging and expanding and it's what grows us. And, as I walk forward, I feel the new Life opening to me. People show up to tell me things I need to know and help me along the way. Synchronous things occur and events take place and the puzzle pieces fit together, because this is the way Life works when we inhabit our creation.
When we live and breathe and inhabit our creations, we grow into them and they form themselves around us. This is how we draw Life through us. This is how Life increases itself. This is how the path appears out of nothing. This is the dance. It's a never-ending spiral, like a DNA strand. Life, everlasting. Life, constantly drawing us forward. Life, in motion. Life.
Moving from one country to another is a complicated business. As with all things, one doesn't really know what one is getting into until one starts on the path. I have days of great accomplishment and I have days of feeling lost where I wander around and get nothing done. But, on those days when nothing seemingly gets done, I think what's really happening is a lot of processing and integration. A good deal might be happening in the world of form, but it's internally where things are really rearranging themselves.
We feel a pull to something, and we move toward the pull, but in order for us to open to a new way of being and living, we have to change within ourselves. There is an alchemy that takes place within us that makes us able to move into and embrace the new life. We have to become the person who is able to live the life we see for ourselves. And, this type of alchemy takes a lot of energy. As we walk forward physically, creating the change in form, we are being transformed internally so that we are able to vibrate in resonance with the new choices we're making.
As we move forward we're confronted by new ideas, new situations, new ways of doing things, new ways of perceiving things, new people, new places, new language, new culture. It's all this newness that keeps things interesting and draws new Life through us. It is the newness that expands us and grows us. But, it is also the newness that tires us and overwhelms us and pushes us to our limits and beyond. Some days I just want peace and comfort. Some days I don't have the energy to greet the newness of things. Some days I want to hide and pull the bed covers over my head.
I still have a lot of steps to walk through to get from San Diego to Uzes, France. And, I do better when I focus on what's in front of me and do things as they show up to be done. It's when I look ahead at everything yet to be done and all of what remains that it can seem overwhelming. But, no matter what it is we ever do, it's done in bits and pieces, step by step. I tend to get ahead of myself. So, I need to constantly remind myself to stay present and to breathe. I also need to remind myself how amazingly well things are going. When I get ahead of myself I tend to fret when there's no real need to. When I'm able to stay present, I calm down.
I'm excited and I'm terrified by the big changes I've put into motion for myself. Big changes bring up big insecurities. But, it's in walking through the big changes that we quiet the noise of the insecurities and find confidence in ourselves. Change isn't easy. When Life calls us to something, it's usually not because it's easy or safe or comfortable; it's because it's challenging and expanding and it's what grows us. And, as I walk forward, I feel the new Life opening to me. People show up to tell me things I need to know and help me along the way. Synchronous things occur and events take place and the puzzle pieces fit together, because this is the way Life works when we inhabit our creation.
When we live and breathe and inhabit our creations, we grow into them and they form themselves around us. This is how we draw Life through us. This is how Life increases itself. This is how the path appears out of nothing. This is the dance. It's a never-ending spiral, like a DNA strand. Life, everlasting. Life, constantly drawing us forward. Life, in motion. Life.
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
All Is Well
The theme for this month's astrology forecast from The Power Path by Lena Stevens is "Transition." And, I'm smack dab in the middle of huge transition. I guess that makes me right on time, not that it feels like that. It feels like chaotic free-fall. But, I keep reminding myself that if I step on the path, the path will appear. Yes. Trust and let Life take the wheel.
My transition feels like a high-wire act with no net. I have to let go of everything on one side of it in order to allow in what's on the other side. No matter how trusting one thinks they are, this type of situation brings up all of one's insecurities. I know to give my insecurities their space and let them talk away while not buying into them, but in the actual living of it, it's not always easy to do. So, it's a bit of a see-saw emotionally.
Our egos are set up to be concerned for our survival. And, homelessness, even transitional homelessness, gets the ego all stirred up. Open-ended situations of blind trust are not where the ego shines. But, in spite of all the warnings my ego is sending me, both through my own mental spinning as well as being reflected through people in my world, I continue forward into unknown territory. The knowing that is emerging deep within me is that All Is Well. I keep saying that to myself. And, it's true, even though I have no idea what it's all going to look like.
I've got a lot of balls in the air right now, and it's going to take a few more days for the important ones to settle into the palm of my hand. Time constraints keep cropping up around all of the elements involved. But, so far, All Is Well. I have a place to stay during the time I have to be out of my apartment in San Diego and when I leave for France, which, until yesterday, I didn't have. All the things I own are literally flying out the door to all the craigslist angels who are coming to buy them. Paperwork and insurance issues and health coverage issues and cat transport issues are coming together. It's my final resting place in France that's still not completely settled, but the apartment situation is in process as I write this.
The place I thought I was going to live in near Montelimar did not end up being the right place for me once I saw it. It was too far out in the country and too isolated for someone who wants to be able to walk to French classes and interact with French people in a village setting everyday. I've made friends in Uzes, which was starting to feel like home when I left to come back to San Diego, and it was clear to me that that is where my heart is.
So, Transition, yes, with a capital "T." Trust, yes, with a capital "T." No matter what's happening, focus on what I'm creating, do not get distracted by the small stuff, and keep walking. And, always remember that All Is Well. Thank you, thank you, thank you...my mantra.
My transition feels like a high-wire act with no net. I have to let go of everything on one side of it in order to allow in what's on the other side. No matter how trusting one thinks they are, this type of situation brings up all of one's insecurities. I know to give my insecurities their space and let them talk away while not buying into them, but in the actual living of it, it's not always easy to do. So, it's a bit of a see-saw emotionally.
Our egos are set up to be concerned for our survival. And, homelessness, even transitional homelessness, gets the ego all stirred up. Open-ended situations of blind trust are not where the ego shines. But, in spite of all the warnings my ego is sending me, both through my own mental spinning as well as being reflected through people in my world, I continue forward into unknown territory. The knowing that is emerging deep within me is that All Is Well. I keep saying that to myself. And, it's true, even though I have no idea what it's all going to look like.
I've got a lot of balls in the air right now, and it's going to take a few more days for the important ones to settle into the palm of my hand. Time constraints keep cropping up around all of the elements involved. But, so far, All Is Well. I have a place to stay during the time I have to be out of my apartment in San Diego and when I leave for France, which, until yesterday, I didn't have. All the things I own are literally flying out the door to all the craigslist angels who are coming to buy them. Paperwork and insurance issues and health coverage issues and cat transport issues are coming together. It's my final resting place in France that's still not completely settled, but the apartment situation is in process as I write this.
The place I thought I was going to live in near Montelimar did not end up being the right place for me once I saw it. It was too far out in the country and too isolated for someone who wants to be able to walk to French classes and interact with French people in a village setting everyday. I've made friends in Uzes, which was starting to feel like home when I left to come back to San Diego, and it was clear to me that that is where my heart is.
So, Transition, yes, with a capital "T." Trust, yes, with a capital "T." No matter what's happening, focus on what I'm creating, do not get distracted by the small stuff, and keep walking. And, always remember that All Is Well. Thank you, thank you, thank you...my mantra.
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
Still Riding the Wave
When I answer Life's call, I don't really know what will happen. Life calls. I answer. I show up. I don't know why I've been called, or even what I'm supposed to do most of the time, other than show up. And, once I show up, I do my best to ride the wave and stay on my surfboard.
Things are working out very differently in France than I expected. Why I expected things to turn out in any particular way is a mystery. You'd think I would have learned by now not to expect anything, but obviously that lesson is still being learned.
I thought I was going to live in Uzes. But, things haven't opened here either as quickly or as easily as I thought they would. Hmmm... What is Life telling me? I'm not sure, but I just stay with it and keep going. I find another apartment, this time the process is smoother, but still taking its time and feeling a bit drawn out. Then, just a day before I'm scheduled to have an apartment inspection and sign the rental contract, I'm offered an alternative opportunity for a place to live. Everything changes.
Things happen more slowly in France than they do in the U.S. This is not a bad thing. It is just something I need to adjust to. The French are not in a hurry. Life is not something to be hurried through. Life is something to be savored. These are lessons I need to learn.
I went to a lunch gathering at the home of a friend here in Uzes and met some local people who encouraged me to slow down my apartment search. They also offered me some viable alternatives for places to live so that the housing search could proceed at a more relaxed pace. I started to open to other ways of doing this and see new possibilities for how things could happen if I gave it all more time and space. I started to wonder about whether taking the apartment I'd found was the best decision. Maybe taking a step back is what was needed.
Parallel to my rental search, was the unfolding journey of a friend who was in the process of trying to buy a house a bit north of where Uzes is, near a town called Montelimar. This friend is someone I met on the airplane coming to France. We each had had our seat assignment changed twice as Life did what was needed to make sure we were seated next to each other. When I first saw my new friend, I thought he looked familiar, but I knew I'd never met him. We sat in a row of five seats. I was in the seat on the far right, there was an empty seat next to me--thank you! thank you! thank you!--and my friend sat in the middle seat. We started talking and ended up talking for most of the flight. We hit it off like we'd know each other forever. And, in some dimension, we probably have. He feels like my long lost younger brother, like family.
We've stayed in contact and followed each others respective journeys in our residence efforts. He was driving back north, after conducting some business south of Uzes, and he stopped to see me and we had dinner. During the dinner, which happened a day before I was supposed to sign my rental contract, he offered me the opportunity to move into the house he was in the process of buying. Whoa... Another possibility. Plot twist! As soon as he asked me, I knew my answer was "yes." Everything within me relaxed into that "yes."
The house is huge, with more than enough room for multiple people to live there. I will start off in some available upstairs rooms as an apartment is prepared for me on the ground floor. It is in the country with lots of land and lavender fields surrounding it. It is about 15 kilometers outside of the town of Montelimar, which is larger than Uzes. I've seen photographs of it, but will see it for the first time on Saturday before returning to the U.S. on Sunday to pack and do what needs to be done in order to come back to France to live full-time.
I'm more excited than anxious. And, even though this is all happening in a time of planetary upheaval and travel advisories, I know things are proceeding as they need to be. I see my path ahead of me and I just keep walking. I still have no idea of the speed bumps yet to come or of any number of plot twists that will surface along the way, but I have a sense of well-being in regard to everything. I have a deepened sense of trust in knowing that things will work out for the best, even if I can't always see that. I've come to understand that a closed door, or a "no," or a slowing down of progress is just Life steering me in a different direction. I'm still on my surfboard and feel like I'm finally starting to drop into the tube of my own life.
Things are working out very differently in France than I expected. Why I expected things to turn out in any particular way is a mystery. You'd think I would have learned by now not to expect anything, but obviously that lesson is still being learned.
I thought I was going to live in Uzes. But, things haven't opened here either as quickly or as easily as I thought they would. Hmmm... What is Life telling me? I'm not sure, but I just stay with it and keep going. I find another apartment, this time the process is smoother, but still taking its time and feeling a bit drawn out. Then, just a day before I'm scheduled to have an apartment inspection and sign the rental contract, I'm offered an alternative opportunity for a place to live. Everything changes.
Things happen more slowly in France than they do in the U.S. This is not a bad thing. It is just something I need to adjust to. The French are not in a hurry. Life is not something to be hurried through. Life is something to be savored. These are lessons I need to learn.
I went to a lunch gathering at the home of a friend here in Uzes and met some local people who encouraged me to slow down my apartment search. They also offered me some viable alternatives for places to live so that the housing search could proceed at a more relaxed pace. I started to open to other ways of doing this and see new possibilities for how things could happen if I gave it all more time and space. I started to wonder about whether taking the apartment I'd found was the best decision. Maybe taking a step back is what was needed.
Parallel to my rental search, was the unfolding journey of a friend who was in the process of trying to buy a house a bit north of where Uzes is, near a town called Montelimar. This friend is someone I met on the airplane coming to France. We each had had our seat assignment changed twice as Life did what was needed to make sure we were seated next to each other. When I first saw my new friend, I thought he looked familiar, but I knew I'd never met him. We sat in a row of five seats. I was in the seat on the far right, there was an empty seat next to me--thank you! thank you! thank you!--and my friend sat in the middle seat. We started talking and ended up talking for most of the flight. We hit it off like we'd know each other forever. And, in some dimension, we probably have. He feels like my long lost younger brother, like family.
We've stayed in contact and followed each others respective journeys in our residence efforts. He was driving back north, after conducting some business south of Uzes, and he stopped to see me and we had dinner. During the dinner, which happened a day before I was supposed to sign my rental contract, he offered me the opportunity to move into the house he was in the process of buying. Whoa... Another possibility. Plot twist! As soon as he asked me, I knew my answer was "yes." Everything within me relaxed into that "yes."
The house is huge, with more than enough room for multiple people to live there. I will start off in some available upstairs rooms as an apartment is prepared for me on the ground floor. It is in the country with lots of land and lavender fields surrounding it. It is about 15 kilometers outside of the town of Montelimar, which is larger than Uzes. I've seen photographs of it, but will see it for the first time on Saturday before returning to the U.S. on Sunday to pack and do what needs to be done in order to come back to France to live full-time.
I'm more excited than anxious. And, even though this is all happening in a time of planetary upheaval and travel advisories, I know things are proceeding as they need to be. I see my path ahead of me and I just keep walking. I still have no idea of the speed bumps yet to come or of any number of plot twists that will surface along the way, but I have a sense of well-being in regard to everything. I have a deepened sense of trust in knowing that things will work out for the best, even if I can't always see that. I've come to understand that a closed door, or a "no," or a slowing down of progress is just Life steering me in a different direction. I'm still on my surfboard and feel like I'm finally starting to drop into the tube of my own life.
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Here I Am
I am in France. I'm not just traveling in France, I'm in the process of moving here. I am in the South, in a small town called Uzes, in the Languedoc-Rousillon provence. The closest larger towns are Nimes and Avignon. I had never been here before until coming here now to find a place to live. True to how Life happens for me, I was called to this place. Called, as in a bolt of lightning striking and an awareness of, not just the South of France, but Uzes in particular. Okay. When Life calls, I show up. So, here I am.
I rarely, if ever, know why I'm called to a place, person or thing. I just accept that I am. Sometimes, I realize later what the call was about, sometimes I don't. But, if I show up and let Life unfold as it will, then I'm giving what Life has in store for me a chance, a context in which to happen. So, here I am.
On this trip, the things that needed to happen--or, I should say, the things I thought needed to happen, because what really needed to happen is much larger in scale--are that I open a French bank account, which I've done; and, that I find a place to live and sign a rental contract for the length of my long-stay visa, which is a year. I don't have the long-stay visa yet. I have to apply for it through the French Consulate when I go back to the U.S. But, I have to have the French bank account and the rental contract in order to apply for the visa. So, here I am.
When I lock onto a call that Life has given me, I'm used to things coming together pretty quickly. It is typical of me to swoop in and magnetize things to me in a short amount of time. But, I'm not usually in contexts this different and unfamiliar to me. And, my usual pattern of swooping in and whipping it all together isn't working. This time, it's requiring some adjustments.
Initially, I was going through a rental agency referred to me through a friend. But, the person I met there didn't seem particularly interested in showing me places and didn't get back to me as he said he would. Frustrated with our interaction, I branched out and visited other agencies, looking for other people and possibilities. I ended up finding an apartment through one of these agencies and spent three days working with the people involved in order to rent the apartment, only to be told that they were not going to rent to me because I did not have my long-stay visa. I explained to them that I needed the rental contract in order to get the long-stay visa, but they didn't care. They had also decided that I didn't really have an open bank account, even after talking to my banker, who assured them that I did; and, they said it was "illegal" for them to rent to me without a long-stay visa, which it isn't, but none of that matters now.
The unconditional "no" I'd received from these people stopped me in my tracks. What? Did I hear you correctly? No? You've got to be kidding. But, it was indeed a "no." And, they weren't kidding. And, there was no movement around their "no." Done. Door closed. Move on.
I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. At first I couldn't breathe at all. And then, I started to breathe very deeply. As I started to breathe again, I realized how out of my body I'd been. I'd been hovering around my body instead of inhabiting it. I'd been here, but not really been "here." But, the "no" has grounded me into myself, and into this place, in a way that I needed to be and hadn't been. And, so, here I am.
At first, all my fears about being here surfaced. Am I really supposed to be here? Did I "get it" correctly in answering the call to this place? Did I self-sabotage in some way? No. No to all of my insecure questions. And, no need to blow up one small speed bump of a "no" into a "no" of major proportion. Breathe. Keep going.
I have this inner sense of calm now, this deep feeling that everything is going to be okay. I have no idea how long it will last, but I'm so grateful for it while it's here. I need to remember how being grounded into my body feels. I need to remember that when I really come into my body, things calm down and get quiet. I need to remember that when I come into my body I feel safe and have a sense of well-being. I need to remember to breathe and tune in to where I am and listen. Life is always communicating with us, but we don't always listen. I need to listen. So, here I am.
I realize that my own desperation in regard to perceived time and money limitations were running the show. My own lifetime pattern of doing things quickly, of pushing through, of stubborn determinism were running rampant yet again. No. Stop. Breathe. Re-group. Tune in. Listen.
I think I needed to spin myself out with the apartment that didn't happen. I needed it in order to get a grip and slow down. If it had happened, I think I would have spun out even more. The people I was dealing with weren't easy, but I kept going, determined to make it work. They were unreasonable, but I tried to appease their demands. These are tendencies that I so needed to see in myself.
I have trouble saying "no," and I don't like hearing it either. But, "no" is part of Life. "No" is okay. Sometimes, "no" is good, and saves us from ourselves. Or, it moves us in ways we wouldn't have gone, and helps us discover things we wouldn't have discovered. It shows us alternatives we wouldn't have seen, and helps us get where we needed to go in the first place.
I'm now more open to this place, to its Spirit and its voice, than I was before. This place, Uzes, called me, and I need to really feel into it and be fully with it...with her, for she is feminine. How could I just come in, without ever really connecting to this place, and hope to have found a place to live that really fit? Why did I, and do I, rush through things instead of savoring them? Why do I limit my experience of Life in any way? I was feeling like I was drowning in panic and overwhelm before; but, since the "no," all of that has slipped away.
I don't know how long it will take me to find an apartment. I don't know how quickly or easily all the paperwork around it will get done. I don't know when I'll fly back to the U.S., or when I'll move out of my apartment there, or how long the long-stay visa process will take and what other speed bumps might reveal themselves along the way. But, somehow, right now, I'm okay with all of it. I've opened to this journey and am ready to take it in and live it instead of skimming the surface of it.
I've let go of my "lack and limitation" perspective. I've settled into a deeper place of knowing that, smooth or not, it's all going to work out and be okay. I realize that all is well. What a relief! So, here I AM.
I rarely, if ever, know why I'm called to a place, person or thing. I just accept that I am. Sometimes, I realize later what the call was about, sometimes I don't. But, if I show up and let Life unfold as it will, then I'm giving what Life has in store for me a chance, a context in which to happen. So, here I am.
On this trip, the things that needed to happen--or, I should say, the things I thought needed to happen, because what really needed to happen is much larger in scale--are that I open a French bank account, which I've done; and, that I find a place to live and sign a rental contract for the length of my long-stay visa, which is a year. I don't have the long-stay visa yet. I have to apply for it through the French Consulate when I go back to the U.S. But, I have to have the French bank account and the rental contract in order to apply for the visa. So, here I am.
When I lock onto a call that Life has given me, I'm used to things coming together pretty quickly. It is typical of me to swoop in and magnetize things to me in a short amount of time. But, I'm not usually in contexts this different and unfamiliar to me. And, my usual pattern of swooping in and whipping it all together isn't working. This time, it's requiring some adjustments.
Initially, I was going through a rental agency referred to me through a friend. But, the person I met there didn't seem particularly interested in showing me places and didn't get back to me as he said he would. Frustrated with our interaction, I branched out and visited other agencies, looking for other people and possibilities. I ended up finding an apartment through one of these agencies and spent three days working with the people involved in order to rent the apartment, only to be told that they were not going to rent to me because I did not have my long-stay visa. I explained to them that I needed the rental contract in order to get the long-stay visa, but they didn't care. They had also decided that I didn't really have an open bank account, even after talking to my banker, who assured them that I did; and, they said it was "illegal" for them to rent to me without a long-stay visa, which it isn't, but none of that matters now.
The unconditional "no" I'd received from these people stopped me in my tracks. What? Did I hear you correctly? No? You've got to be kidding. But, it was indeed a "no." And, they weren't kidding. And, there was no movement around their "no." Done. Door closed. Move on.
I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. At first I couldn't breathe at all. And then, I started to breathe very deeply. As I started to breathe again, I realized how out of my body I'd been. I'd been hovering around my body instead of inhabiting it. I'd been here, but not really been "here." But, the "no" has grounded me into myself, and into this place, in a way that I needed to be and hadn't been. And, so, here I am.
At first, all my fears about being here surfaced. Am I really supposed to be here? Did I "get it" correctly in answering the call to this place? Did I self-sabotage in some way? No. No to all of my insecure questions. And, no need to blow up one small speed bump of a "no" into a "no" of major proportion. Breathe. Keep going.
I have this inner sense of calm now, this deep feeling that everything is going to be okay. I have no idea how long it will last, but I'm so grateful for it while it's here. I need to remember how being grounded into my body feels. I need to remember that when I really come into my body, things calm down and get quiet. I need to remember that when I come into my body I feel safe and have a sense of well-being. I need to remember to breathe and tune in to where I am and listen. Life is always communicating with us, but we don't always listen. I need to listen. So, here I am.
I realize that my own desperation in regard to perceived time and money limitations were running the show. My own lifetime pattern of doing things quickly, of pushing through, of stubborn determinism were running rampant yet again. No. Stop. Breathe. Re-group. Tune in. Listen.
I think I needed to spin myself out with the apartment that didn't happen. I needed it in order to get a grip and slow down. If it had happened, I think I would have spun out even more. The people I was dealing with weren't easy, but I kept going, determined to make it work. They were unreasonable, but I tried to appease their demands. These are tendencies that I so needed to see in myself.
I have trouble saying "no," and I don't like hearing it either. But, "no" is part of Life. "No" is okay. Sometimes, "no" is good, and saves us from ourselves. Or, it moves us in ways we wouldn't have gone, and helps us discover things we wouldn't have discovered. It shows us alternatives we wouldn't have seen, and helps us get where we needed to go in the first place.
I'm now more open to this place, to its Spirit and its voice, than I was before. This place, Uzes, called me, and I need to really feel into it and be fully with it...with her, for she is feminine. How could I just come in, without ever really connecting to this place, and hope to have found a place to live that really fit? Why did I, and do I, rush through things instead of savoring them? Why do I limit my experience of Life in any way? I was feeling like I was drowning in panic and overwhelm before; but, since the "no," all of that has slipped away.
I don't know how long it will take me to find an apartment. I don't know how quickly or easily all the paperwork around it will get done. I don't know when I'll fly back to the U.S., or when I'll move out of my apartment there, or how long the long-stay visa process will take and what other speed bumps might reveal themselves along the way. But, somehow, right now, I'm okay with all of it. I've opened to this journey and am ready to take it in and live it instead of skimming the surface of it.
I've let go of my "lack and limitation" perspective. I've settled into a deeper place of knowing that, smooth or not, it's all going to work out and be okay. I realize that all is well. What a relief! So, here I AM.
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
I Am a Pilgrim
I have been back in San Diego from walking The Camino de Santiago for a week now. It feels like I'm home, and then it doesn't. It seems like I was gone for a very long time, and no time at all. It's as if nothing happened, only I know that a lot happened, both internally and externally. I'm the same, but I'm changed. I miss it, and I'm glad it's finished. I'm all over the map in terms of what I'm feeling.
My feet have recovered for the most part. They're not swollen anymore. I still might lose a toenail, and some skin on my feet and toes is still renewing itself, but my arches are okay and didn't collapse as I thought they might have. I can fit in my regular shoes, which I was afraid might no longer be possible.
The Camino is a universe unto itself. It doesn't matter which route of The Camino one walks. All of them are going to Santiago de Compostela. And, it doesn't matter whether the person walking thinks they're doing it for spiritual, religious or recreational reasons. Whatever one's reason for being on The Camino, it has its way with each of us. It works us and transforms us, even if we're unaware of it doing so.
The Camino is a sacred pilgrimage, a very old one. Hundreds of thousands of people have walked it for over 1,200 years. No matter one's religious background or beliefs, when one walks The Camino, one walks it under the guidance and auspices of St. James, the apostle, and one walks it to the Cathedral which houses his remains in Santiago de Compostela, Spain. One walks it in communion with the energy of St. James and of every soul who's ever ever set foot upon it. Why one walks it is as varied as the people who walk it, but for myself, and for most of those I talked with while walking it, we feel "called" to it. It exerts a pull on us that is impossible to ignore.
I knew about The Camino for a while before walking it and it never called me until this year. It was a sudden and clear awareness for me that walking The Camino was the next step on my journey. I didn't know why in any logical sense, I just knew that Life was calling me to it, and when Life calls me to anything, I show up. Once I made the decision to respond to the call, everything in my life shaped itself around making it possible and getting me there.
I am not an athletic person. I don't go to the gym or have any type of exercise program that I follow. And, The Camino requires one to walk farther than most of us ever think of walking. The route I walked, which is known as the Camino Frances, starts in St. Jean Pied-de-Port in France and goes for about 780 kilometers (approximately 500 miles) to Santiago de Compostela. Nothing prepared me for the difficulty of the walk. Nothing I read prior to walking The Camino--and, I read a lot of books--gave me any real understanding of what would be required of me. I was pushed so far past my comfort zone that I went into shock--both mentally and physically--the first few days. My body was beyond stressed by what I was asking it to do. I was nauseous and had diarrhea for the first three days. I couldn't eat or keep food down. It was extreme. But, the body is an amazing vehicle, and mine rose to the challenge.
I walked too far on most days, even after I adjusted to what I was doing. I had given myself a period of time in which to walk, and thought that I had planned it reasonably, but I was mistaken. I should have given myself more time and walked less every day. But, it was what it was. I understand how far a kilometer is and how long it takes me to walk that far. I know it in my bones. My feet know it. My body found its own walking rhythm. I knew by how I felt how far I'd walked each day. I found out how far my body wanted to walk and how far was too far. I connected to my body in ways that I never had previously. I listened to it. I talked to it. I paid attention to it. I honored it. I thanked it. I apologized to it. I encouraged it. I loved it. I developed a relationship with my body, which is something that's new for me. And, is something for which I'm very grateful.
I walked alone most of the time. I'm comfortable with myself. I like being alone. The Camino winds through an ever beautiful and changing landscape that I never found boring. The beauty was often awe inspiring, even though the path was often difficult and mostly rocky. I mean literally rocky, as in covered with rocks. Walking for hour after hour and day after day over very rocky terrain is torture on the feet. My experience was very multidimensional in that I could be aware of the amazing beauty that surrounded me while at the same time feeling a lot of pain and discomfort from the walking that got me there. I could enjoy what I was doing on one level while feeling exhausted and pushed to my limit on another level. I had days of intense communion with Life and deep awareness, and I had days of just putting one foot in front of the other. I wanted it to go on and on, and I wanted it to be over...all at the same time.
The Camino is life-transforming, in ways both large and small. It is a way of being, a particular perspective. I think The Camino starts walking us as soon as we decide to walk it. And, I think it continues to walk us, even after we've finished walking it. I think walking The Camino is a much deeper and longer commitment than we might realize when we first decide to do it. It is in me now. The Camino is part of me and always will be. I am a pilgrim. I will always be a pilgrim.
Someone said to me that I should be proud of myself for having walked The Camino, that it is a real accomplishment. But, I don't think of it that way. I'm humbled by The Camino. I feel honored to have walked it. I feel blessed by it. I'm in awe of it. I'm deeply grateful for the experience of having walked it. It is one of my life's gifts. There are other pilgrimages, other walks, but there is only one Camino, even though it has many routes. It is unique and special in terms of what it gives and what it takes. It expands and enriches the lives of all who walk it, and lives on in the hearts of each of us who've given ourselves to it. It is an ongoing experience. The walking never really ends, nor would any of us want it to. The walk continues.
My feet have recovered for the most part. They're not swollen anymore. I still might lose a toenail, and some skin on my feet and toes is still renewing itself, but my arches are okay and didn't collapse as I thought they might have. I can fit in my regular shoes, which I was afraid might no longer be possible.
The Camino is a universe unto itself. It doesn't matter which route of The Camino one walks. All of them are going to Santiago de Compostela. And, it doesn't matter whether the person walking thinks they're doing it for spiritual, religious or recreational reasons. Whatever one's reason for being on The Camino, it has its way with each of us. It works us and transforms us, even if we're unaware of it doing so.
The Camino is a sacred pilgrimage, a very old one. Hundreds of thousands of people have walked it for over 1,200 years. No matter one's religious background or beliefs, when one walks The Camino, one walks it under the guidance and auspices of St. James, the apostle, and one walks it to the Cathedral which houses his remains in Santiago de Compostela, Spain. One walks it in communion with the energy of St. James and of every soul who's ever ever set foot upon it. Why one walks it is as varied as the people who walk it, but for myself, and for most of those I talked with while walking it, we feel "called" to it. It exerts a pull on us that is impossible to ignore.
I knew about The Camino for a while before walking it and it never called me until this year. It was a sudden and clear awareness for me that walking The Camino was the next step on my journey. I didn't know why in any logical sense, I just knew that Life was calling me to it, and when Life calls me to anything, I show up. Once I made the decision to respond to the call, everything in my life shaped itself around making it possible and getting me there.
I am not an athletic person. I don't go to the gym or have any type of exercise program that I follow. And, The Camino requires one to walk farther than most of us ever think of walking. The route I walked, which is known as the Camino Frances, starts in St. Jean Pied-de-Port in France and goes for about 780 kilometers (approximately 500 miles) to Santiago de Compostela. Nothing prepared me for the difficulty of the walk. Nothing I read prior to walking The Camino--and, I read a lot of books--gave me any real understanding of what would be required of me. I was pushed so far past my comfort zone that I went into shock--both mentally and physically--the first few days. My body was beyond stressed by what I was asking it to do. I was nauseous and had diarrhea for the first three days. I couldn't eat or keep food down. It was extreme. But, the body is an amazing vehicle, and mine rose to the challenge.
I walked too far on most days, even after I adjusted to what I was doing. I had given myself a period of time in which to walk, and thought that I had planned it reasonably, but I was mistaken. I should have given myself more time and walked less every day. But, it was what it was. I understand how far a kilometer is and how long it takes me to walk that far. I know it in my bones. My feet know it. My body found its own walking rhythm. I knew by how I felt how far I'd walked each day. I found out how far my body wanted to walk and how far was too far. I connected to my body in ways that I never had previously. I listened to it. I talked to it. I paid attention to it. I honored it. I thanked it. I apologized to it. I encouraged it. I loved it. I developed a relationship with my body, which is something that's new for me. And, is something for which I'm very grateful.
I walked alone most of the time. I'm comfortable with myself. I like being alone. The Camino winds through an ever beautiful and changing landscape that I never found boring. The beauty was often awe inspiring, even though the path was often difficult and mostly rocky. I mean literally rocky, as in covered with rocks. Walking for hour after hour and day after day over very rocky terrain is torture on the feet. My experience was very multidimensional in that I could be aware of the amazing beauty that surrounded me while at the same time feeling a lot of pain and discomfort from the walking that got me there. I could enjoy what I was doing on one level while feeling exhausted and pushed to my limit on another level. I had days of intense communion with Life and deep awareness, and I had days of just putting one foot in front of the other. I wanted it to go on and on, and I wanted it to be over...all at the same time.
The Camino is life-transforming, in ways both large and small. It is a way of being, a particular perspective. I think The Camino starts walking us as soon as we decide to walk it. And, I think it continues to walk us, even after we've finished walking it. I think walking The Camino is a much deeper and longer commitment than we might realize when we first decide to do it. It is in me now. The Camino is part of me and always will be. I am a pilgrim. I will always be a pilgrim.
Someone said to me that I should be proud of myself for having walked The Camino, that it is a real accomplishment. But, I don't think of it that way. I'm humbled by The Camino. I feel honored to have walked it. I feel blessed by it. I'm in awe of it. I'm deeply grateful for the experience of having walked it. It is one of my life's gifts. There are other pilgrimages, other walks, but there is only one Camino, even though it has many routes. It is unique and special in terms of what it gives and what it takes. It expands and enriches the lives of all who walk it, and lives on in the hearts of each of us who've given ourselves to it. It is an ongoing experience. The walking never really ends, nor would any of us want it to. The walk continues.
Friday, August 14, 2015
The Gift of Loving Relationship
I'm exceptionally patient and understanding with people...until I snap. And, once I snap, it's like a switch gets flipped, and I'm done. I don't blow up or get confrontational, I'm just done.
Throughout my life, I've allowed those around me to get away with some very unacceptable behavior. My tendency has been, and still is somewhat, to react to someone's potential. I'm able to perceive who they're capable of being, even if they're not actually achieving that potential. I'm also able to perceive the issues and limitations that keep them from that potential, which, in the past, has often meant that I've excused certain behavior because I'm able to see where it comes from. But, no more. I no longer feel a need to excuse anyone's behavior for any reason. They can do whatever and be whomever they want, but I can choose to not be around them.
Age is an amazing thing. As one gets older, one loses patience in a lot of ways with things that previously would have been accepted or overlooked. I've stayed in relationships way longer than was necessary because I've made excuses for people and thought they would change. But, it was me who needed to change. Why did I want to be around unkind, mean-spirited and disrespectful behavior? Why was I disrespecting myself by allowing such behavior to be okay? Why was I concerned about hurting someone's feelings who'd just hurt mine? Why was it so hard for me to speak up or walk away?
Someone I considered to be a friend said something inappropriate and unkind to me today. It was said in an off-hand and casual manner. When I spoke up about it, the person said they were joking, but they weren't. And, even if they were, an unkind and inappropriate joke, at the expense of someone else's feelings, is still unkind and inappropriate. No excuses. Zero tolerance. If they'd apologized and owned the unkind and inappropriate nature of what had been said, then we could have moved forward. But, because it was side-stepped and the excuse was made of it being a joke, then we had no where to go. It first made me angry and then, after the anger had passed, I felt sad.
It's not always easy to accept people for who they are. It often means we have to move on when moving on wasn't what we had in mind. But, being kind and respectful to myself is more important to me now than feeling I need to be patient with someone else, hoping they will change. I've never been the most confident and secure person to start with. I've worked very hard to achieve the confidence in myself that I have at this point in my life. And, I now realize that it's too personally destructive to remain in relationship with anyone who would chip away at me due to their own issues.
It's important to treat each other with care. We're all fragile in certain ways. We all have triggers that can be set off by unthinking, unkind, and disrespectful remarks. Our words have the ability to cut very deeply and, once said, are impossible to take back. Once damage is done, it's done. An apology helps if it's forthcoming, but we're wary after someone has hurt us. Our walls start to go up and we step back.
Everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and respect. But, kindness and respect often go by the wayside in familiar and comfortable relationships. We're at our most vulnerable when we love someone and are in close friendship with them because we let down our guard around them, which opens us up to be hurt if the other person isn't careful. We're especially vulnerable in close relationship because the other person knows our weak points, and if they choose to exploit them at our expense, it leaves us feeling hurt and betrayed. Relationships are sacred and need to be valued and protected. We must hold each others feelings and vulnerabilities very gently, and honor the trust it takes to reveal ourselves in the first place.
Loving relationships are supportive and nurturing. They strengthen and increase us. They help us see our own value, because we are valued within them. They honor the sacred trust of personal revelation as the precious thing that it is. May we all realize the gift of loving relationship and treasure it when we're blessed to have it. May we all treat each other with kindness and respect. May we lift each other up at every opportunity. May we build bridges between each other instead of tearing them down. And, may we take responsibility for our mistakes and transgressions, learn from them and strive to treat each other better.
Throughout my life, I've allowed those around me to get away with some very unacceptable behavior. My tendency has been, and still is somewhat, to react to someone's potential. I'm able to perceive who they're capable of being, even if they're not actually achieving that potential. I'm also able to perceive the issues and limitations that keep them from that potential, which, in the past, has often meant that I've excused certain behavior because I'm able to see where it comes from. But, no more. I no longer feel a need to excuse anyone's behavior for any reason. They can do whatever and be whomever they want, but I can choose to not be around them.
Age is an amazing thing. As one gets older, one loses patience in a lot of ways with things that previously would have been accepted or overlooked. I've stayed in relationships way longer than was necessary because I've made excuses for people and thought they would change. But, it was me who needed to change. Why did I want to be around unkind, mean-spirited and disrespectful behavior? Why was I disrespecting myself by allowing such behavior to be okay? Why was I concerned about hurting someone's feelings who'd just hurt mine? Why was it so hard for me to speak up or walk away?
Someone I considered to be a friend said something inappropriate and unkind to me today. It was said in an off-hand and casual manner. When I spoke up about it, the person said they were joking, but they weren't. And, even if they were, an unkind and inappropriate joke, at the expense of someone else's feelings, is still unkind and inappropriate. No excuses. Zero tolerance. If they'd apologized and owned the unkind and inappropriate nature of what had been said, then we could have moved forward. But, because it was side-stepped and the excuse was made of it being a joke, then we had no where to go. It first made me angry and then, after the anger had passed, I felt sad.
It's not always easy to accept people for who they are. It often means we have to move on when moving on wasn't what we had in mind. But, being kind and respectful to myself is more important to me now than feeling I need to be patient with someone else, hoping they will change. I've never been the most confident and secure person to start with. I've worked very hard to achieve the confidence in myself that I have at this point in my life. And, I now realize that it's too personally destructive to remain in relationship with anyone who would chip away at me due to their own issues.
It's important to treat each other with care. We're all fragile in certain ways. We all have triggers that can be set off by unthinking, unkind, and disrespectful remarks. Our words have the ability to cut very deeply and, once said, are impossible to take back. Once damage is done, it's done. An apology helps if it's forthcoming, but we're wary after someone has hurt us. Our walls start to go up and we step back.
Everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and respect. But, kindness and respect often go by the wayside in familiar and comfortable relationships. We're at our most vulnerable when we love someone and are in close friendship with them because we let down our guard around them, which opens us up to be hurt if the other person isn't careful. We're especially vulnerable in close relationship because the other person knows our weak points, and if they choose to exploit them at our expense, it leaves us feeling hurt and betrayed. Relationships are sacred and need to be valued and protected. We must hold each others feelings and vulnerabilities very gently, and honor the trust it takes to reveal ourselves in the first place.
Loving relationships are supportive and nurturing. They strengthen and increase us. They help us see our own value, because we are valued within them. They honor the sacred trust of personal revelation as the precious thing that it is. May we all realize the gift of loving relationship and treasure it when we're blessed to have it. May we all treat each other with kindness and respect. May we lift each other up at every opportunity. May we build bridges between each other instead of tearing them down. And, may we take responsibility for our mistakes and transgressions, learn from them and strive to treat each other better.
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