I'm exceptionally patient and understanding with people...until I snap. And, once I snap, it's like a switch gets flipped, and I'm done. I don't blow up or get confrontational, I'm just done.
Throughout my life, I've allowed those around me to get away with some very unacceptable behavior. My tendency has been, and still is somewhat, to react to someone's potential. I'm able to perceive who they're capable of being, even if they're not actually achieving that potential. I'm also able to perceive the issues and limitations that keep them from that potential, which, in the past, has often meant that I've excused certain behavior because I'm able to see where it comes from. But, no more. I no longer feel a need to excuse anyone's behavior for any reason. They can do whatever and be whomever they want, but I can choose to not be around them.
Age is an amazing thing. As one gets older, one loses patience in a lot of ways with things that previously would have been accepted or overlooked. I've stayed in relationships way longer than was necessary because I've made excuses for people and thought they would change. But, it was me who needed to change. Why did I want to be around unkind, mean-spirited and disrespectful behavior? Why was I disrespecting myself by allowing such behavior to be okay? Why was I concerned about hurting someone's feelings who'd just hurt mine? Why was it so hard for me to speak up or walk away?
Someone I considered to be a friend said something inappropriate and unkind to me today. It was said in an off-hand and casual manner. When I spoke up about it, the person said they were joking, but they weren't. And, even if they were, an unkind and inappropriate joke, at the expense of someone else's feelings, is still unkind and inappropriate. No excuses. Zero tolerance. If they'd apologized and owned the unkind and inappropriate nature of what had been said, then we could have moved forward. But, because it was side-stepped and the excuse was made of it being a joke, then we had no where to go. It first made me angry and then, after the anger had passed, I felt sad.
It's not always easy to accept people for who they are. It often means we have to move on when moving on wasn't what we had in mind. But, being kind and respectful to myself is more important to me now than feeling I need to be patient with someone else, hoping they will change. I've never been the most confident and secure person to start with. I've worked very hard to achieve the confidence in myself that I have at this point in my life. And, I now realize that it's too personally destructive to remain in relationship with anyone who would chip away at me due to their own issues.
It's important to treat each other with care. We're all fragile in certain ways. We all have triggers that can be set off by unthinking, unkind, and disrespectful remarks. Our words have the ability to cut very deeply and, once said, are impossible to take back. Once damage is done, it's done. An apology helps if it's forthcoming, but we're wary after someone has hurt us. Our walls start to go up and we step back.
Everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and respect. But, kindness and respect often go by the wayside in familiar and comfortable relationships. We're at our most vulnerable when we love someone and are in close friendship with them because we let down our guard around them, which opens us up to be hurt if the other person isn't careful. We're especially vulnerable in close relationship because the other person knows our weak points, and if they choose to exploit them at our expense, it leaves us feeling hurt and betrayed. Relationships are sacred and need to be valued and protected. We must hold each others feelings and vulnerabilities very gently, and honor the trust it takes to reveal ourselves in the first place.
Loving relationships are supportive and nurturing. They strengthen and increase us. They help us see our own value, because we are valued within them. They honor the sacred trust of personal revelation as the precious thing that it is. May we all realize the gift of loving relationship and treasure it when we're blessed to have it. May we all treat each other with kindness and respect. May we lift each other up at every opportunity. May we build bridges between each other instead of tearing them down. And, may we take responsibility for our mistakes and transgressions, learn from them and strive to treat each other better.
Friday, August 14, 2015
Thursday, August 13, 2015
The Blessing of a Day
I sit in the quiet of the afternoon. I can hear someone practicing the piano a few apartments away. Hands striking the same few stanzas over and over. Fingers and muscles memorizing the movements that make the desired sounds. Ears tuning themselves to the slightest variations of tone. I enjoy it. I enjoy listening to someone trying over and over and over to get it right. And, so much is electronic these days that the authentic, organic sounds of the piano keys hitting the strings is pleasing, no matter what is being played.
There is also the sound of a large truck's engine grumbling away on the street. Who knows why the engine must continue to run for such a long period of time. There is construction only a block away. Every once in a while I hear the brakes let up and release in a loud puff of air, but the truck doesn't seem to move or leave. Because I'm focused on the piano notes, the truck sounds fade into the background.
There are sirens blaring nearby. I live in a neighborhood where there is a fire house a half block away and two hospitals within two blocks of me. Sirens are a regular part of life. I bless them when I hear them going off to help someone. Who are they saving today? Who are the angels who drive the ambulances and tend to the those who need help? I was rushed to the hospital once by such angels. I don't remember their faces, but I remember their hearts. They were kind and efficient and so reassuring. My asthma had gotten the best of me and I could barely breathe much less talk, but I struggled to thank them over and over. I wanted them to know how grateful I was that they were there for me. I hoped my eyes could tell them what my voice couldn't.
My cat, Sophie, is asleep on the bed in the next room. Her quiet presence always there with me. She's an extremely independent soul, who enjoys being alone most of the time, which is more of a reflection of myself than I care to admit. Every once in a while, she comes to me, slinking silently by, rubbing my legs very gently, usually because she's hungry. I bend to pet her as she passes and then dutifully get up to fetch her the food she's wanting. She might then gift me with a visitation for a while, although more often, having gotten what she wanted, goes back to her nest on the bed. She is my only remaining cat. It's just the two of us now. And, I'm grateful for her every day.
The piano player has changed his tune and another sequence of notes is repeatedly being attempted. This time the effort is better rewarded and there is more continuous melody before it stops and starts again. I admire the person's perseverance. I can tell it's not a child, but an adult who plays. Someone learning to play later in life. Such learning is more difficult, but more rewarding. I remember trying to learn to play the piano when I was a child and having no appreciation for it whatsoever. I had no patience with the process and, after much complaining, my mother gave up on me and stopped the piano lessons. I was happy about it at the time, but wish I'd continued as I look back. How lovely it would be to have the ability to play the piano at this point in time, which is why I so admire the one who practices a few apartments away from me. They are working toward a desire they've probably carried for a long time.
The sounds of hammering from the construction site have filtered their way into the mix my ears are enjoying. I can hear lumber being placed. And then, not the quick jolting pops that a nail gun makes, but the rhythmic sounds of a hammer being wielded by someone's hand. It starts and stops, then helps a board into place, then secures it to its position with more nail pounding. I wonder if those working on the construction project appreciate their progress on a daily basis. There would be satisfaction in creating a building where people could live and work in comfort and safety.
Some days I'm more focused on things less immediately near me. I might be more caught up in the past or in planning for the future or in thinking of all the things I'd like to get done. But today is a slow, quiet day of being present in a way that I'm not always capable. A day of noticing and appreciating the Life all around me. A day when the Life around me feeds me instead of annoying me. A day of gratitude for small and basic things. A day when fear and concern have slipped away, all on their own. The blessing of a day of peace and grace. And, one of my constant, go-to prayers repeats within me the way the notes of the piano repeat...thank you, thank you, thank you.
There is also the sound of a large truck's engine grumbling away on the street. Who knows why the engine must continue to run for such a long period of time. There is construction only a block away. Every once in a while I hear the brakes let up and release in a loud puff of air, but the truck doesn't seem to move or leave. Because I'm focused on the piano notes, the truck sounds fade into the background.
There are sirens blaring nearby. I live in a neighborhood where there is a fire house a half block away and two hospitals within two blocks of me. Sirens are a regular part of life. I bless them when I hear them going off to help someone. Who are they saving today? Who are the angels who drive the ambulances and tend to the those who need help? I was rushed to the hospital once by such angels. I don't remember their faces, but I remember their hearts. They were kind and efficient and so reassuring. My asthma had gotten the best of me and I could barely breathe much less talk, but I struggled to thank them over and over. I wanted them to know how grateful I was that they were there for me. I hoped my eyes could tell them what my voice couldn't.
My cat, Sophie, is asleep on the bed in the next room. Her quiet presence always there with me. She's an extremely independent soul, who enjoys being alone most of the time, which is more of a reflection of myself than I care to admit. Every once in a while, she comes to me, slinking silently by, rubbing my legs very gently, usually because she's hungry. I bend to pet her as she passes and then dutifully get up to fetch her the food she's wanting. She might then gift me with a visitation for a while, although more often, having gotten what she wanted, goes back to her nest on the bed. She is my only remaining cat. It's just the two of us now. And, I'm grateful for her every day.
The piano player has changed his tune and another sequence of notes is repeatedly being attempted. This time the effort is better rewarded and there is more continuous melody before it stops and starts again. I admire the person's perseverance. I can tell it's not a child, but an adult who plays. Someone learning to play later in life. Such learning is more difficult, but more rewarding. I remember trying to learn to play the piano when I was a child and having no appreciation for it whatsoever. I had no patience with the process and, after much complaining, my mother gave up on me and stopped the piano lessons. I was happy about it at the time, but wish I'd continued as I look back. How lovely it would be to have the ability to play the piano at this point in time, which is why I so admire the one who practices a few apartments away from me. They are working toward a desire they've probably carried for a long time.
The sounds of hammering from the construction site have filtered their way into the mix my ears are enjoying. I can hear lumber being placed. And then, not the quick jolting pops that a nail gun makes, but the rhythmic sounds of a hammer being wielded by someone's hand. It starts and stops, then helps a board into place, then secures it to its position with more nail pounding. I wonder if those working on the construction project appreciate their progress on a daily basis. There would be satisfaction in creating a building where people could live and work in comfort and safety.
Some days I'm more focused on things less immediately near me. I might be more caught up in the past or in planning for the future or in thinking of all the things I'd like to get done. But today is a slow, quiet day of being present in a way that I'm not always capable. A day of noticing and appreciating the Life all around me. A day when the Life around me feeds me instead of annoying me. A day of gratitude for small and basic things. A day when fear and concern have slipped away, all on their own. The blessing of a day of peace and grace. And, one of my constant, go-to prayers repeats within me the way the notes of the piano repeat...thank you, thank you, thank you.
Friday, August 7, 2015
Creator Gods
I think we're all incredibly brave. We choose to come here to this tiny blue planet on the edge of the Milky Way and live lives of extremes of joy and pain, of beauty and horror, of love and wonder. We get up every day and go at it again, never knowing what the day holds, just trusting, putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward in spite of everything.
We're creator gods, even though most of us have lost our way and forgotten who we really are. We get caught up in the small things that tend to make up a life, and forget that we're so much more. I amaze myself at how focused I can become on the small things that are so insignificant in the scope of Life; not just the lives we've chosen to come here to live, but in the bigger arena of all Life. And yet, it is often the small things that are so precious...the touch of a hand, the kindness of a stranger, the laughter of a child, the look of love from the eyes of one who shines their light upon us.
Even though I've squandered many of them, I do realize that each day is a gift. These bodies are gifts, and the full experience of being human is a gift, even in the times when it seems to break us, even when we're confused and don't know how we can go on, even when we think we can't bear what we've been given to bear. And yet, bear it we do. Humans are ultimately such a resilient bunch.
I think some of us choose lives of ease and rest, and some of us choose lives of great difficulty. And, it's not easy to understand the differences and the choices in our lives, and how things play out for each of us. But, we've been given free reign of the full gamut of human experience, and what makes sense for any one of us does not necessarily make sense for anyone else. We didn't come here to be the same, or to fit in, or to please anyone other than ourselves. We came here to experience Life through the limitations and filters that this planet affords. There are certain parameters to this hologram, this matrix, and we've chosen them for what they're able to teach us.
As creator gods, we're always responsible for our creations, we're never victims, things don't happen to us, they happen because of us. This is a hard one for most of us. Taking full responsibility and never blaming anyone or anything else for our experience is both a burden and a blessing. But, it is also the ultimate freedom and the ultimate power.
We're creator gods, even though most of us have lost our way and forgotten who we really are. We get caught up in the small things that tend to make up a life, and forget that we're so much more. I amaze myself at how focused I can become on the small things that are so insignificant in the scope of Life; not just the lives we've chosen to come here to live, but in the bigger arena of all Life. And yet, it is often the small things that are so precious...the touch of a hand, the kindness of a stranger, the laughter of a child, the look of love from the eyes of one who shines their light upon us.
Even though I've squandered many of them, I do realize that each day is a gift. These bodies are gifts, and the full experience of being human is a gift, even in the times when it seems to break us, even when we're confused and don't know how we can go on, even when we think we can't bear what we've been given to bear. And yet, bear it we do. Humans are ultimately such a resilient bunch.
I think some of us choose lives of ease and rest, and some of us choose lives of great difficulty. And, it's not easy to understand the differences and the choices in our lives, and how things play out for each of us. But, we've been given free reign of the full gamut of human experience, and what makes sense for any one of us does not necessarily make sense for anyone else. We didn't come here to be the same, or to fit in, or to please anyone other than ourselves. We came here to experience Life through the limitations and filters that this planet affords. There are certain parameters to this hologram, this matrix, and we've chosen them for what they're able to teach us.
As creator gods, we're always responsible for our creations, we're never victims, things don't happen to us, they happen because of us. This is a hard one for most of us. Taking full responsibility and never blaming anyone or anything else for our experience is both a burden and a blessing. But, it is also the ultimate freedom and the ultimate power.
Thursday, July 9, 2015
Acceptance of Pain
I haven't written for a bit, and then, today, it felt like something was wanting to be said. My own physical condition, and a line written in a poem by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, whose blog I subscribe to, and who I follow on Facebook, both conspired to trigger my way in.
In a poem posted today called "Receiving," Oriah wrote this:
than that moment when pain stops?
Like a ladle of clear, cold water
soothing the parched throat;
or the moment of infinite spaciousness
when my neighbour's leaf-blower is silenced.
And. . . .this too shall pass.
That thought makes me laugh out loud,
helps me check the impulse
to hold on to the sweetness,
knowing there is nothing
that needs to be grabbed
nothing that can be gripped by wanting,
only that which can be received.
~Oriah Mountain Dreamer (c) 2015
It was the first line that grabbed me: "Is there anything sweeter than that moment when pain stops?"
Today, I could really relate to that. We all live with a certain amount of pain. Physical pain, emotional pain, mental pain, there are many types of pain and none of us are immune. Pain is part of being human and being alive. But, it's how we relate to our pain that makes all the difference.
I've had migraine headaches since my twenties. Sometimes ripping through me with a vengeance, blinding me, turning my insides into mush, and sending me to bed for days at a time. Life suspended. Writhing in anguish so that all I could think of was wanting to die to escape the pain. I've tried various medications to ease them, and have found some that are able to relieve the symptoms with very high consistency. But, sometimes, they don't work. Or, at least, they don't work right away. And, all I'm left with is the pain. Today was one of those days.
A migraine has an onset of symptoms that lets you know it's coming. For me, there's a stiffness to my neck and shoulder muscles, a general tightening that won't let up. I start to yawn over and over and feel sleepy. A deep tiredness overtakes my body. Sometimes, my vision is impaired and gets spotty, and I want to retreat from all light and go into total darkness. It might be accompanied by nausea as my body does what it needs to in order to empty itself in whatever way necessary. The sooner in this onset that I'm able to take the medication, the sooner the symptoms get arrested, and the greater chance I have of escaping the debilitating pain of a full-blown migraine. If I wait too long to take the medication and the headache has a chance to get a grip, then the whole situation deteriorates and it takes the medication a long time to overcome the pain. Today was one of those days.
Even after years of experiencing migraines, I still hesitate to take the medication sometimes, thinking that maybe I won't need it, maybe the headache will not be so bad or will go away. It doesn't make any sense. I always need the medication. The headache is always bad. And, it doesn't just go away. Or, at least it doesn't just go away before having its way with me.
I've been studying and practicing energetic medicine for many years. I went to an energetic medicine school throughout a period of two years to study with an amazing healer. I've taken many different classes over many years and studied many different protocols of energetic medicine and healing. I did it to heal myself. I thought I'd be able to learn how to stop the migraines and the other physical conditions I live with. But, I was wrong. I think I've affected things and lessened the severity of the symptoms over the years, but I have not stopped them. What I have done, though, is grow as a person through all of my experiences learning about healing and trying to heal myself. It has focused me and kept me moving in ways that have been very beneficial. It has helped me to understand myself and Life in very deep and expansive ways. It has given me understanding and compassion for anyone who suffers for any reason.
I do believe we create our reality. Sometime consciously and more often, for most of us, unconsciously. The cause of why my migraines happen continues to elude me. Why they continue to be of value to me is not obvious. But, continue they do. What is the wound within me that causes so much pain and manifests itself in the physical as a migraine? Why am I not able to really see it for what it is? What is it that I resist so strongly? What is it that I'm so unable to accept? What is it that I'm so incapable of loving free? I might never know, which is something else I struggle with accepting.
So, one is left with learning to live with the pain. There is a story of Guru Ma healing a leper by licking his wounds; and, as she licked his wounds, they healed. She healed all the wounds but one, which she purposely left, and when asked why, she said it was because if she healed all the wounds, the person would forget...forget the grace of the healing, the energy of the Life that healed, and the one through whom the healing took place. But, with one wound still in place, forgetting would not be possible, and awareness and gratitude would remain. Who are we to question the gifts that we have been given? Why do we think gifts only come in nicely wrapped packages?
Pain is a difficult gift to receive and accept. Pain does not usually engender gratitude. Pain is a partner to whom surrender is a struggle. But, we must learn to dance with it none the less. I struggled with the pain of my migraine today for hours before I was able to just let go and be with it, at which point I fell asleep. Finally. The sweet escape of deep sleep. And, when I awoke, hours later, the pain was gone. I awoke to that sweet moment of the pain having stopped. Such grace. And, through the struggle and release, the surrender to the dance with darkness, I reached a place of peace. One step closer to awareness. One step more into alignment with the truth and value of the pain. One step farther into acceptance. One step closer to love. Some days the window opens. Some days we're able to see. Today was one of those days.
In a poem posted today called "Receiving," Oriah wrote this:
Posted: 09 Jul 2015 07:57 AM PDT
Is there anything sweeterthan that moment when pain stops?
Like a ladle of clear, cold water
soothing the parched throat;
or the moment of infinite spaciousness
when my neighbour's leaf-blower is silenced.
And. . . .this too shall pass.
That thought makes me laugh out loud,
helps me check the impulse
to hold on to the sweetness,
knowing there is nothing
that needs to be grabbed
nothing that can be gripped by wanting,
only that which can be received.
~Oriah Mountain Dreamer (c) 2015
It was the first line that grabbed me: "Is there anything sweeter than that moment when pain stops?"
Today, I could really relate to that. We all live with a certain amount of pain. Physical pain, emotional pain, mental pain, there are many types of pain and none of us are immune. Pain is part of being human and being alive. But, it's how we relate to our pain that makes all the difference.
I've had migraine headaches since my twenties. Sometimes ripping through me with a vengeance, blinding me, turning my insides into mush, and sending me to bed for days at a time. Life suspended. Writhing in anguish so that all I could think of was wanting to die to escape the pain. I've tried various medications to ease them, and have found some that are able to relieve the symptoms with very high consistency. But, sometimes, they don't work. Or, at least, they don't work right away. And, all I'm left with is the pain. Today was one of those days.
A migraine has an onset of symptoms that lets you know it's coming. For me, there's a stiffness to my neck and shoulder muscles, a general tightening that won't let up. I start to yawn over and over and feel sleepy. A deep tiredness overtakes my body. Sometimes, my vision is impaired and gets spotty, and I want to retreat from all light and go into total darkness. It might be accompanied by nausea as my body does what it needs to in order to empty itself in whatever way necessary. The sooner in this onset that I'm able to take the medication, the sooner the symptoms get arrested, and the greater chance I have of escaping the debilitating pain of a full-blown migraine. If I wait too long to take the medication and the headache has a chance to get a grip, then the whole situation deteriorates and it takes the medication a long time to overcome the pain. Today was one of those days.
Even after years of experiencing migraines, I still hesitate to take the medication sometimes, thinking that maybe I won't need it, maybe the headache will not be so bad or will go away. It doesn't make any sense. I always need the medication. The headache is always bad. And, it doesn't just go away. Or, at least it doesn't just go away before having its way with me.
I've been studying and practicing energetic medicine for many years. I went to an energetic medicine school throughout a period of two years to study with an amazing healer. I've taken many different classes over many years and studied many different protocols of energetic medicine and healing. I did it to heal myself. I thought I'd be able to learn how to stop the migraines and the other physical conditions I live with. But, I was wrong. I think I've affected things and lessened the severity of the symptoms over the years, but I have not stopped them. What I have done, though, is grow as a person through all of my experiences learning about healing and trying to heal myself. It has focused me and kept me moving in ways that have been very beneficial. It has helped me to understand myself and Life in very deep and expansive ways. It has given me understanding and compassion for anyone who suffers for any reason.
I do believe we create our reality. Sometime consciously and more often, for most of us, unconsciously. The cause of why my migraines happen continues to elude me. Why they continue to be of value to me is not obvious. But, continue they do. What is the wound within me that causes so much pain and manifests itself in the physical as a migraine? Why am I not able to really see it for what it is? What is it that I resist so strongly? What is it that I'm so unable to accept? What is it that I'm so incapable of loving free? I might never know, which is something else I struggle with accepting.
So, one is left with learning to live with the pain. There is a story of Guru Ma healing a leper by licking his wounds; and, as she licked his wounds, they healed. She healed all the wounds but one, which she purposely left, and when asked why, she said it was because if she healed all the wounds, the person would forget...forget the grace of the healing, the energy of the Life that healed, and the one through whom the healing took place. But, with one wound still in place, forgetting would not be possible, and awareness and gratitude would remain. Who are we to question the gifts that we have been given? Why do we think gifts only come in nicely wrapped packages?
Pain is a difficult gift to receive and accept. Pain does not usually engender gratitude. Pain is a partner to whom surrender is a struggle. But, we must learn to dance with it none the less. I struggled with the pain of my migraine today for hours before I was able to just let go and be with it, at which point I fell asleep. Finally. The sweet escape of deep sleep. And, when I awoke, hours later, the pain was gone. I awoke to that sweet moment of the pain having stopped. Such grace. And, through the struggle and release, the surrender to the dance with darkness, I reached a place of peace. One step closer to awareness. One step more into alignment with the truth and value of the pain. One step farther into acceptance. One step closer to love. Some days the window opens. Some days we're able to see. Today was one of those days.
Friday, May 22, 2015
Through the Eye of the Needle
So, the consensus of opinions I received in response to my last post was that I should basically get over myself and cheer up. Jeez...tough crowd. I get that it's uncomfortable to dance with our darkness and allow anger and upset to move. I hate it. Just like I hate making mistakes. Being comfortable and having no conflict is my preferred state, but Life doesn't always adjust itself to my preferences. I still say that sometimes the only thing to do is to allow everything to be what it is
and not wish it was otherwise. I still say that sometimes it's about being
uncomfortable. I still say that sometimes it's about accepting that there's nothing
that can be fixed. And, I still say that sometimes it's about regret.
I'm not advocating hanging out for the rest of my life in any of these states, but they all serve a purpose. In any situation, it's important to be able to see it for what it is and stop wishing it was different. Wishing things were different doesn't make them so, it just stalls everything. Digging in with "what ifs" and "woulda, coulda, shoulda" just sets us up to get stuck instead of move forward. If we can see the truth of what's happening then we're more apt to respond appropriately and to find a solution, if one exists.
Being able to be with our discomfort is a very useful tool. I hate being uncomfortable. Being comfortable is high on my list of preferred states of being. But, allowing a state of discomfort to exist without doing anything to wriggle out of it is valuable. Being able to be with our discomfort holds a lot of clues as to how we got into that state to begin with. Why am I so uncomfortable? What is it I'm resisting? What is it I don't want to acknowledge or see about myself? Where is the discomfort coming from? When we're able to give discomfort its space, it reveals all kinds of useful information.
Being able to accept that there's nothing in our current situation that can be fixed harks back to seeing things in the truth of what they are but is a little different. Our first response is often to run around looking for a way to fix whatever has gone off the rails. But, in my experience, I've often made things worse by attempting to fix my initial mistake. Sometimes things can be fixed and, when that's the case, it's a huge relief. But, other times, there's nothing to do, nothing to fix, nothing that will make it better. To accept that what's happened is done and unfixable is no more my preference than being uncomfortable, but there's an inherent letting go when we're able to do it.
Regret is not a bad thing. Regret is about wishing we'd done things better and/or differently. Regret comes from caring and awareness. If we don't regret something we've done, or a decision we've made, then we won't learn from it or find a way to forgiveness through it. We first have to regret what happened in order to even know that forgiveness is necessary. Why would we be sorry if we didn't regret what happened? I think regret is valuable. Again, I don't think hanging out with regret for the rest of one's life is a good idea, it's just another valuable stop on the journey.
I'm through the eye of the needle and on the other side of my reaction today, so things appear more clearly to me at this point. But, it was necessary to allow myself the indulgence of letting all the emotions I was experiencing move through in order to get where I am now. Every time something happens that triggers us into a strong reaction, it's like the scab got ripped off the wound and we're bleeding all over again. And, every time we get triggered by some event, Life is giving us the chance to do it differently, to be different. How many times and in how many ways do we need to get triggered by something in order to come into awareness and free the underlying issue? Endless amounts of times. Life gives us never-ending chances to find our way through things. We're all starring in our very own "Groundhog Day" movie.
I still hate to make mistakes. I still want to think that perfection exists and that there's a "right" way, even though I know there's not. But, maybe next time I won't react quite so strongly. Or, maybe I won't beat myself up quite so badly. Who knows? We never know until the trigger gets tripped again. But, every time we can move through a reaction with some level of consciousness its impact gets diminished, even if just by a little. And, at some point, we might even be able to realize that we were able to remain neutral in the face of something that would have previously caused a meltdown.
If we never got triggered, we'd never know where our issues are hiding. Every time we get triggered into a reaction, we get another chance to look at the underlying cause and decide if we still need to keep it, or if we're able to let it move out and leave us in peace. It's like the issue is waving goodbye as it starts to move, "Bye...I'm leaving...is it okay if I go now?" If we're able to stay out of reaction to whatever's been triggered, it's like saying, "Sure...you can go." And, if we move into reaction, then it's like saying, "No...I still need you." And, there's no judgment. And, we'll get endless chances at it.
So, my issues around self-worth are up. It's all still rattling around. And, I have no idea when or how things will settle this time, or how or if what I just went though will change anything or not. But, I do know I'm going to have plenty of chances to find out!
I'm not advocating hanging out for the rest of my life in any of these states, but they all serve a purpose. In any situation, it's important to be able to see it for what it is and stop wishing it was different. Wishing things were different doesn't make them so, it just stalls everything. Digging in with "what ifs" and "woulda, coulda, shoulda" just sets us up to get stuck instead of move forward. If we can see the truth of what's happening then we're more apt to respond appropriately and to find a solution, if one exists.
Being able to be with our discomfort is a very useful tool. I hate being uncomfortable. Being comfortable is high on my list of preferred states of being. But, allowing a state of discomfort to exist without doing anything to wriggle out of it is valuable. Being able to be with our discomfort holds a lot of clues as to how we got into that state to begin with. Why am I so uncomfortable? What is it I'm resisting? What is it I don't want to acknowledge or see about myself? Where is the discomfort coming from? When we're able to give discomfort its space, it reveals all kinds of useful information.
Being able to accept that there's nothing in our current situation that can be fixed harks back to seeing things in the truth of what they are but is a little different. Our first response is often to run around looking for a way to fix whatever has gone off the rails. But, in my experience, I've often made things worse by attempting to fix my initial mistake. Sometimes things can be fixed and, when that's the case, it's a huge relief. But, other times, there's nothing to do, nothing to fix, nothing that will make it better. To accept that what's happened is done and unfixable is no more my preference than being uncomfortable, but there's an inherent letting go when we're able to do it.
Regret is not a bad thing. Regret is about wishing we'd done things better and/or differently. Regret comes from caring and awareness. If we don't regret something we've done, or a decision we've made, then we won't learn from it or find a way to forgiveness through it. We first have to regret what happened in order to even know that forgiveness is necessary. Why would we be sorry if we didn't regret what happened? I think regret is valuable. Again, I don't think hanging out with regret for the rest of one's life is a good idea, it's just another valuable stop on the journey.
I'm through the eye of the needle and on the other side of my reaction today, so things appear more clearly to me at this point. But, it was necessary to allow myself the indulgence of letting all the emotions I was experiencing move through in order to get where I am now. Every time something happens that triggers us into a strong reaction, it's like the scab got ripped off the wound and we're bleeding all over again. And, every time we get triggered by some event, Life is giving us the chance to do it differently, to be different. How many times and in how many ways do we need to get triggered by something in order to come into awareness and free the underlying issue? Endless amounts of times. Life gives us never-ending chances to find our way through things. We're all starring in our very own "Groundhog Day" movie.
I still hate to make mistakes. I still want to think that perfection exists and that there's a "right" way, even though I know there's not. But, maybe next time I won't react quite so strongly. Or, maybe I won't beat myself up quite so badly. Who knows? We never know until the trigger gets tripped again. But, every time we can move through a reaction with some level of consciousness its impact gets diminished, even if just by a little. And, at some point, we might even be able to realize that we were able to remain neutral in the face of something that would have previously caused a meltdown.
If we never got triggered, we'd never know where our issues are hiding. Every time we get triggered into a reaction, we get another chance to look at the underlying cause and decide if we still need to keep it, or if we're able to let it move out and leave us in peace. It's like the issue is waving goodbye as it starts to move, "Bye...I'm leaving...is it okay if I go now?" If we're able to stay out of reaction to whatever's been triggered, it's like saying, "Sure...you can go." And, if we move into reaction, then it's like saying, "No...I still need you." And, there's no judgment. And, we'll get endless chances at it.
So, my issues around self-worth are up. It's all still rattling around. And, I have no idea when or how things will settle this time, or how or if what I just went though will change anything or not. But, I do know I'm going to have plenty of chances to find out!
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Mistakes
I hate making mistakes. Really. I hate it. I know we're all human and we make mistakes and...bla, bla, bla...but, I hate it. I've always tried so hard to be perfect, to do everything right. In truth, I've not even come close to perfection and have done so many things wrong. So many things. And, what's really hard is when we do something that there's no coming back from; no possibility of recovery. I've made many of these types of mistakes. Mistakes you don't come back from. Mistakes you just have to find a way to live with. Mistakes you hopefully learn from and don't repeat, but permanently impactful mistakes that you can't fix. Devastating mistakes. Soul damaging mistakes.
I'm always amazed by people who say they have no regrets. Really? It's a new-age based idea to have no regrets. A supposedly spiritual idea to have no regrets. Everything brought us to this point. Everything that's happened has contributed to who we are. We should be grateful for everything that's happened to us and for all the mistakes we've made. Again...bla, bla, bla. I don't trust people who have no regrets. How can anyone live their life and not deeply regret things they've done and decisions they've made?
My most recent mistake is so miniscule compared to other mistakes I've made that it's embarrassing to even bring it up; but, it doesn't help to diminish it and try to convince myself that it doesn't matter. It matters. It matters to me. No matter how small it is in the scope of things. And, I realize that my pattern of trying to rationalize myself out of how I'm feeling, and convince myself that I should feel differently from how I actually feel, is still very much alive and robust.
We have a yearly audit at work for all the departments, and because of mistakes I made, we failed the audit. I did everything I could think of to prepare for this audit. I thought I had everything covered. But then, I made a stupid mistake that I knew not to make, but I made it anyway. I didn't mean to make it. I didn't intend to make it. But, make it I did. And, not only did I make this mistake, I made it three times. Three times! I know beating ourselves up is not the best idea, but punches are being thrown here, damage is being inflicted.
All my issues of self worth have been triggered. The voice that tells me I'm not good enough, that I'll never be good enough, is loudly reminding me of all my shortcomings. The voices that only have negative things to say are saying them, repeatedly, on an endless loop. I'm awash in shame that I am, once again, responsible for failure. That I have, once again, messed everything up. I'm not in a good place right now.
I don't want to wallow in my darkness, but I also don't want to deny it. I need to give these voices their space and to let these feelings move. I need to acknowledge the issues at play and comfort the lost little girl who's crouched in the corner and wants to disappear. Sometimes, the only thing to do is to allow everything to be what it is and not wish it was otherwise. Sometimes, it's about being uncomfortable. Sometimes, it's about acceptance that's there's nothing that can be fixed. Sometimes, it's about regret.
I'm always amazed by people who say they have no regrets. Really? It's a new-age based idea to have no regrets. A supposedly spiritual idea to have no regrets. Everything brought us to this point. Everything that's happened has contributed to who we are. We should be grateful for everything that's happened to us and for all the mistakes we've made. Again...bla, bla, bla. I don't trust people who have no regrets. How can anyone live their life and not deeply regret things they've done and decisions they've made?
My most recent mistake is so miniscule compared to other mistakes I've made that it's embarrassing to even bring it up; but, it doesn't help to diminish it and try to convince myself that it doesn't matter. It matters. It matters to me. No matter how small it is in the scope of things. And, I realize that my pattern of trying to rationalize myself out of how I'm feeling, and convince myself that I should feel differently from how I actually feel, is still very much alive and robust.
We have a yearly audit at work for all the departments, and because of mistakes I made, we failed the audit. I did everything I could think of to prepare for this audit. I thought I had everything covered. But then, I made a stupid mistake that I knew not to make, but I made it anyway. I didn't mean to make it. I didn't intend to make it. But, make it I did. And, not only did I make this mistake, I made it three times. Three times! I know beating ourselves up is not the best idea, but punches are being thrown here, damage is being inflicted.
All my issues of self worth have been triggered. The voice that tells me I'm not good enough, that I'll never be good enough, is loudly reminding me of all my shortcomings. The voices that only have negative things to say are saying them, repeatedly, on an endless loop. I'm awash in shame that I am, once again, responsible for failure. That I have, once again, messed everything up. I'm not in a good place right now.
I don't want to wallow in my darkness, but I also don't want to deny it. I need to give these voices their space and to let these feelings move. I need to acknowledge the issues at play and comfort the lost little girl who's crouched in the corner and wants to disappear. Sometimes, the only thing to do is to allow everything to be what it is and not wish it was otherwise. Sometimes, it's about being uncomfortable. Sometimes, it's about acceptance that's there's nothing that can be fixed. Sometimes, it's about regret.
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Already Walking
I've been more aware of walking lately...the way I walk, the pace at which I walk, how it feels, how it impacts my body, how my feet move, how my shoes fit. This isn't something that would normally take my attention, but I'm going on a very long walk--about 500 miles--relatively soon, so walking has become somewhat of a focus.
One of the things I've come to realize about the way I walk is that I do it quickly. I tend to rush wherever I'm going. It's all about getting to wherever I happen to be going, and not wasting any time doing it. I can hear my mother's voice, "Don't dilly dally! Come on! Keep moving! Let's go!" Walking anywhere wasn't about anything other than getting there. There was no discovery or exploration or smelling of the roses; no zigging or zagging or taking the long way 'round.
I actually feel breathless sometimes when I'm walking, like I'm moving so quickly I don't have time to breathe. Asthma symptoms start to activate and I feel like my energy is being squeezed out of my body. It takes a great act of will to slow myself down and ground myself back in and feel present. I only recently became aware that the simple act of walking was so fraught with fear for me. And that, when I'm walking, I revert to being the slow child who's incurring my mother's wrath; who's forever falling behind and incapable of "catching up" or "keeping up."
I decided to walk to a restaurant close by last night for dinner, and I had to constantly stay in awareness about how fast I was walking. There seemed to be an added anxiety about crossing the street and I noticed that I would almost run from one curb to the other, hoping the light would stay green until I got there. It took a lot of energy to monitor my pace and slow myself down and keep breathing. I was very relieved to reach the restaurant and be able to sit down. I then realized that I had some anxiety about having to walk home. When my meal was finished and it was time for the return journey, I had to stop before walking out the door of the restaurant and take a few deep breaths to prepare myself to traverse the few blocks home.
When my sister and I were small, just starting elementary school, my father worked and my mother went to college, and my sister and I had to walk what seemed like a very long way to get to school. My mom and dad both had to leave the apartment earlier than my sister and I did, so my mom showed me that when the big hand on the clock reached a particular point, it would be time for us to leave. I was to hold my sister's hand and not let go and, if we walked at a good pace, we would arrive at the school on time. I would watch the clock like a hawk and make sure we left at the appointed time. I took the responsibility of getting us to school on time and safely very seriously, and I never wanted to face my mother's anger and upset should we be late or should anything happen on the way. "Never talk to strangers." "Never get into anyone's car you don't know." "Never take anything anyone offers you." "Never stop anywhere along the way." The level of vigilance and fear this instilled in me was extreme.
I now realize that all of the patterns of vigilance and fear that were instilled in me as a kid, in regard to walking anywhere, are still operating; have never stopped operating. And I think it's finally time to give it all a rest. As much as I would like it if my awareness of these patterns alone would stop them, I know that's not the way things work. It will take time and further vigilance to break the old patterns and establish new ways of moving in the world. I'm learning to walk all over again. Baby steps. One foot in front of the other. And, walking The Camino will help me to establish a whole new rhythm and way of being in my body; a new relationship to physicality in general.
As with anything we choose to do, once the decision is made and committed to, the journey begins...even before the first step. Once we turn ourselves to it, we are in the experience of it. I realize that I'm already walking The Camino energetically, and that it's already having its way with me, even though I haven't placed a foot on it yet, and won't until September. I'm grateful for what has called me and for my choice to answer the call. I'm grateful for the impact of the journey I'm on, for all the ways it's already changing me, and for all the ways it has yet to change me. And, all I have to do is show up and keep walking. I can do that.
One of the things I've come to realize about the way I walk is that I do it quickly. I tend to rush wherever I'm going. It's all about getting to wherever I happen to be going, and not wasting any time doing it. I can hear my mother's voice, "Don't dilly dally! Come on! Keep moving! Let's go!" Walking anywhere wasn't about anything other than getting there. There was no discovery or exploration or smelling of the roses; no zigging or zagging or taking the long way 'round.
I actually feel breathless sometimes when I'm walking, like I'm moving so quickly I don't have time to breathe. Asthma symptoms start to activate and I feel like my energy is being squeezed out of my body. It takes a great act of will to slow myself down and ground myself back in and feel present. I only recently became aware that the simple act of walking was so fraught with fear for me. And that, when I'm walking, I revert to being the slow child who's incurring my mother's wrath; who's forever falling behind and incapable of "catching up" or "keeping up."
I decided to walk to a restaurant close by last night for dinner, and I had to constantly stay in awareness about how fast I was walking. There seemed to be an added anxiety about crossing the street and I noticed that I would almost run from one curb to the other, hoping the light would stay green until I got there. It took a lot of energy to monitor my pace and slow myself down and keep breathing. I was very relieved to reach the restaurant and be able to sit down. I then realized that I had some anxiety about having to walk home. When my meal was finished and it was time for the return journey, I had to stop before walking out the door of the restaurant and take a few deep breaths to prepare myself to traverse the few blocks home.
When my sister and I were small, just starting elementary school, my father worked and my mother went to college, and my sister and I had to walk what seemed like a very long way to get to school. My mom and dad both had to leave the apartment earlier than my sister and I did, so my mom showed me that when the big hand on the clock reached a particular point, it would be time for us to leave. I was to hold my sister's hand and not let go and, if we walked at a good pace, we would arrive at the school on time. I would watch the clock like a hawk and make sure we left at the appointed time. I took the responsibility of getting us to school on time and safely very seriously, and I never wanted to face my mother's anger and upset should we be late or should anything happen on the way. "Never talk to strangers." "Never get into anyone's car you don't know." "Never take anything anyone offers you." "Never stop anywhere along the way." The level of vigilance and fear this instilled in me was extreme.
I now realize that all of the patterns of vigilance and fear that were instilled in me as a kid, in regard to walking anywhere, are still operating; have never stopped operating. And I think it's finally time to give it all a rest. As much as I would like it if my awareness of these patterns alone would stop them, I know that's not the way things work. It will take time and further vigilance to break the old patterns and establish new ways of moving in the world. I'm learning to walk all over again. Baby steps. One foot in front of the other. And, walking The Camino will help me to establish a whole new rhythm and way of being in my body; a new relationship to physicality in general.
As with anything we choose to do, once the decision is made and committed to, the journey begins...even before the first step. Once we turn ourselves to it, we are in the experience of it. I realize that I'm already walking The Camino energetically, and that it's already having its way with me, even though I haven't placed a foot on it yet, and won't until September. I'm grateful for what has called me and for my choice to answer the call. I'm grateful for the impact of the journey I'm on, for all the ways it's already changing me, and for all the ways it has yet to change me. And, all I have to do is show up and keep walking. I can do that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)