Notes on the Journey

Friday, May 22, 2015

Through the Eye of the Needle

So, the consensus of opinions I received in response to my last post was that I should basically get over myself and cheer up.  Jeez...tough crowd.  I get that it's uncomfortable to dance with our darkness and allow anger and upset to move.  I hate it.  Just like I hate making mistakes.  Being comfortable and having no conflict is my preferred state, but Life doesn't always adjust itself to my preferences.   I still say that sometimes the only thing to do is to allow everything to be what it is and not wish it was otherwise.  I still say that sometimes it's about being uncomfortable.  I still say that sometimes it's about accepting that there's nothing that can be fixed.  And, I still say that sometimes it's about regret.

I'm not advocating hanging out for the rest of my life in any of these states, but they all serve a purpose.  In any situation, it's important to be able to see it for what it is and stop wishing it was different.  Wishing things were different doesn't make them so, it just stalls everything.  Digging in with "what ifs" and "woulda, coulda, shoulda" just sets us up to get stuck instead of move forward.   If we can see the truth of what's happening then we're more apt to respond appropriately and to find a solution, if one exists.

Being able to be with our discomfort is a very useful tool.  I hate being uncomfortable.  Being comfortable is high on my list of preferred states of being.  But, allowing a state of discomfort to exist without doing anything to wriggle out of it is valuable.  Being able to be with our discomfort holds a lot of clues as to how we got into that state to begin with.  Why am I so uncomfortable?  What is it I'm resisting?  What is it I don't want to acknowledge or see about myself?  Where is the discomfort coming from?  When we're able to give discomfort its space, it reveals all kinds of useful information.

Being able to accept that there's nothing in our current situation that can be fixed harks back to seeing things in the truth of what they are but is a little different.  Our first response is often to run around looking for a way to fix whatever has gone off the rails.  But, in my experience, I've often made things worse by attempting to fix my initial mistake.  Sometimes things can be fixed and, when that's the case, it's a huge relief.  But, other times, there's nothing to do, nothing to fix, nothing that will make it better.  To accept that what's happened is done and unfixable is no more my preference than being uncomfortable, but there's an inherent letting go when we're able to do it.

Regret is not a bad thing.  Regret is about wishing we'd done things better and/or differently.  Regret comes from caring and awareness.  If we don't regret something we've done, or a decision we've made, then we won't learn from it or find a way to forgiveness through it.  We first have to regret what happened in order to even know that forgiveness is necessary.  Why would we be sorry if we didn't regret what happened?  I think regret is valuable.  Again, I don't think hanging out with regret for the rest of one's life is a good idea, it's just another valuable stop on the journey.

I'm through the eye of the needle and on the other side of my reaction today, so things appear more clearly to me at this point.  But, it was necessary to allow myself the indulgence of letting all the emotions I was experiencing move through in order to get where I am now.  Every time something happens that triggers us into a strong reaction, it's like the scab got ripped off the wound and we're bleeding all over again.  And, every time we get triggered by some event, Life is giving us the chance to do it differently, to be different.  How many times and in how many ways do we need to get triggered by something in order to come into awareness and free the underlying issue?  Endless amounts of times.  Life gives us never-ending chances to find our way through things.  We're all starring in our very own "Groundhog Day" movie.

I still hate to make mistakes.  I still want to think that perfection exists and that there's a "right" way, even though I know there's not.  But, maybe next time I won't react quite so strongly.  Or, maybe I won't beat myself up quite so badly.  Who knows?  We never know until the trigger gets tripped again.  But, every time we can move through a reaction with some level of consciousness its impact gets diminished, even if just by a little.  And, at some point, we might even be able to realize that we were able to remain neutral in the face of something that would have previously caused a meltdown.

If we never got triggered, we'd never know where our issues are hiding.  Every time we get triggered into a reaction, we get another chance to look at the underlying cause and decide if we still need to keep it, or if we're able to let it move out and leave us in peace.  It's like the issue is waving goodbye as it starts to move, "Bye...I'm leaving...is it okay if I go now?"  If we're able to stay out of reaction to whatever's been triggered, it's like saying, "Sure...you can go."  And, if we move into reaction, then it's like saying, "No...I still need you."  And, there's no judgment.  And, we'll get endless chances at it.

So, my issues around self-worth are up.  It's all still rattling around.  And, I have no idea when or how things will settle this time, or how or if what I just went though will change anything or not.  But, I do know I'm going to have plenty of chances to find out!

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