Notes on the Journey

Wednesday, May 20, 2015


I hate making mistakes.  Really.  I hate it.  I know we're all human and we make mistakes and...bla, bla, bla...but, I hate it.  I've always tried so hard to be perfect, to do everything right.  In truth, I've not even come close to perfection and have done so many things wrong.  So many things.  And, what's really hard is when we do something that there's no coming back from; no possibility of recovery.  I've made many of these types of mistakes.  Mistakes you don't come back from.  Mistakes you just have to find a way to live with.  Mistakes you hopefully learn from and don't repeat, but permanently impactful mistakes that you can't fix.  Devastating mistakes.  Soul damaging mistakes.

I'm always amazed by people who say they have no regrets.  Really?  It's a new-age based idea to have no regrets.  A supposedly spiritual idea to have no regrets.  Everything brought us to this point.  Everything that's happened has contributed to who we are.  We should be grateful for everything that's happened to us and for all the mistakes we've made.  Again...bla, bla, bla.  I don't trust people who have no regrets.  How can anyone live their life and not deeply regret things they've done and decisions they've made?

My most recent mistake is so miniscule compared to other mistakes I've made that it's embarrassing to even bring it up; but, it doesn't help to diminish it and try to convince myself that it doesn't matter.  It matters.  It matters to me.  No matter how small it is in the scope of things.  And, I realize that my pattern of trying to rationalize myself out of how I'm feeling, and convince myself that I should feel differently from how I actually feel, is still very much alive and robust.

We have a yearly audit at work for all the departments, and because of mistakes I made, we failed the audit.  I did everything I could think of to prepare for this audit.  I thought I had everything covered.  But then, I made a stupid mistake that I knew not to make, but I made it anyway.  I didn't mean to make it.  I didn't intend to make it.  But, make it I did.  And, not only did I make this mistake, I made it three times.  Three times!  I know beating ourselves up is not the best idea, but punches are being thrown here, damage is being inflicted.

All my issues of self worth have been triggered.  The voice that tells me I'm not good enough, that I'll never be good enough, is loudly reminding me of all my shortcomings.  The voices that only have negative things to say are saying them, repeatedly, on an endless loop.  I'm awash in shame that I am, once again, responsible for failure.  That I have, once again, messed everything up.  I'm not in a good place right now.

I don't want to wallow in my darkness, but I also don't want to deny it.  I need to give these voices their space and to let these feelings move.  I need to acknowledge the issues at play and comfort the lost little girl who's crouched in the corner and wants to disappear.  Sometimes, the only thing to do is to allow everything to be what it is and not wish it was otherwise.  Sometimes, it's about being uncomfortable.  Sometimes, it's about acceptance that's there's nothing that can be fixed.  Sometimes, it's about regret.

1 comment:

  1. To err is human to forgive divine. Forgiving oneself especially. However I believe it's the only way forward, to jump off "the wheel of pain and suffering". I don't think it's easy but it is necessary. Forgive and let go. Otherwise we simply repeat.