Free, At Last

I let go of something today...something big.  Something I'd been carrying for a long time.  Something that I'd been excited about in the beginning, but something that had started to feel like a heavy burden.  It started to feel like a "have to" and a "should do" rather than a "want to."  And, the new field doesn't support the "have to's" and the "should do's."  The new field supports what's true, what comes from our hearts, what we want, not something we've taken on for reasons other than heart's desire.

This project that I've put down, came to me at a time when I felt that I had nothing.  It gave me something to hold on to when I needed to hold on to something.  It gave me hope and something to work toward, to grow into.  It connected me to deeper things within myself and was the context for my growth for the last twelve years.  It took me on a number of trips around the globe.  It became the basis of some wonderful, and I hope lasting, relationships.  It was the thing that kept me going, and also the thing that got me to stop when it was time to stop.  And, as it showed me that I needed to let go of script supervising, it's now showing me that I need to let go of it as well.  I need to lay down the burden it's become, to walk away from the pressure of it, to allow a new way of life and a new focus to show itself.

I'm in a place that demands that everything that is a "have to" or a "should" or has the feel of pressure connected to it, has to go.  I've spent my life doing things I had to do, that I should do, that were necessary, that were expected, that were requested, and that seemed like the "right" thing to do.  I've existed under the pressure of living up to a set of expectations that are built on illusion, and it's time to stop.  Just stop.  It's time to really set myself free.  To climb out from under anything that feels constrictive in any way.  To let the great unknown spread out before me on a daily basis and see what shows up without the burden of anything in its way.

And so, I let go.  I let go of the thing that's been my guiding force for so long I thought I'd die if I put it down.  I thought I would be a failure if I put it down.  But, I'm still alive.  And, it's been a learning, not a failure.  We live and we learn and we try things and we let go and we try new things.  I don't know why we hold on so hard sometimes, but it's feeling like it's getting easier to let go.  The holding on was part of the old field, and the new field is helping us to let go.  And, as painful as it can be to let go sometimes, it's also a relief.

As soon as I realized it was time to say "no" to something that I'd said "yes" to for so long, I relaxed.  Tension flooded out of my body.  My lungs opened up and I could breathe.  I'd been in resistance for a long time and was starting to feel paralized, and I didn't understand why.  But, once I saw that the "no" was in resistance to something I felt I "had" to do, I also saw how that resistance had spread to the rest of my life.  And, until I became aware of the underlying "no," my life would stay on hold.  Today, I woke up.  As of today, the "no" is no longer hidden and acting out on the rest of my life.  I've acknowledged and honored the "no" for what it's really saying "no" to, and now my life can begin again.

Happiness and joy are creeping in.  Excitement for the unknown is creeping in.  The concept that I now have choice that is unburdened by any "shoulds" is dawning on me.  I'm starting to see what real freedom comes out of.  And, to give myself the gift of real freedom, feels very self-loving.  I've let myself off the hook.  I've stepped off my own personal cross.  And, a new path is open before me.  Where it leads has yet to be revealed, but as I walk forward into that unknown, at least I feel free.  Free, at last.