I've been so emotional lately. I've attributed it to the fact that I'm moving and that so much is being triggered within me. And, that is true, but it's not the whole reason.
It occurred to me today that my heart is opening in new and unfamiliar ways. Because I'm not used to this new level of vulnerability and compassion, I experience it as emotion. I go through levels of this opening where I'm emotional and raw, and then I integrate that level and things calm down, and then a new opening occurs and the emotional rawness returns. I finally realized that it's waves of energy coming in and triggering heart openings. I've been integrating and welcoming home parts of myself that got broken off at various points of my life, leaving because the way things were didn't allow them to stay and blossom. And so, my heart has been required to open in order to love them home and expand so that the wholeness of me can be present and have expression. Or, maybe it's because my heart is opening that those parts of me are able to come home. I think it's a combination of both.
I'm more sensitive in general. Things touch me deeply, more deeply than before. I watched a video this morning that was included in the most recent newsletter I'd received from Krista Tippet and her "On Being" series. It was about a young (33) artist, Martha Depp, who had ovarian cancer and who was dying. Her brother made the video as a tribute to her and her art. She was a very talented painter. She is the one speaking in the video. She has a soft voice and a frail form, but what was also obvious was that she was strong and courageous and inspiring. She accepted her state and welcomed the release it would bring. And, she painted. She wanted to leave all her work complete. And, she accomplished that. I was so touched by her beauty and her courage and her deep acceptance that I wept. Not out of sadness, but because I felt expanded by her. I felt increased by just watching a six-minute video of her. Here is the link if you would like to experience this video: http://www.onbeing.org/blog/completely-free-be-vulnerable-martha-depp-art-and-cancer/2647
I'm more sensitive in my body and feel physical things, as well as energetic things, more than before. I seem to hear and see on deeper levels. And, it feels raw because this level of vulnerability, this state of less protection and more wholeness, is new and must be adjusted to. But, as I integrate these changes, I become more settled and calm within myself. I think we're all going through these changes. I'm not the only one who's experiencing this.
There is so much going on for each and every one of us. We're going through deep changes internally, and big changes externally. People are moving, changing jobs, moving on from long-term relationships, beginning new and maybe unlikely relationships, and changing outworn perceptions in general. Things are expanding for all of us very quickly on a global scale. It's because all of us are opening our hearts more and more, and the result of that is change. As our hearts open, we become more deeply aware of who we really are, and we realize that we've been living lives of adaptation, rather then lives of passion directed by our inner knowing. Passion can be wild or it can be quiet and intense. It is the deep flow of Life through each of us and our awareness of it and what it means. It's when we act from that inner knowing. Passion is true integrity.
It's not necessarily an easy transition from a life of adaptation to a life of passion, but it is a necessary one if we are ever to feel fully engaged with Life. It's painful to realize that we might have lived the life that was thrust upon us by family or society or circumstance, and that it was not, has not been, the life we would have chosen for ourselves if we'd felt we'd had a choice. But, we can always claim that life once the awareness of our adaptation becomes conscious. We can always let go and start over. We can always listen and act from our deepest place of connection to Life. And, as we make this fundamental change, we inspire others to do so as well. And, we contribute to a groundswell of passion that is birthing itself into the global collective.
I live a simple life at this point. It's what I want after what seems like a long period of living a life of much complication and adaptation. I've eliminated a lot from my life and gotten to know myself again, or maybe I should say, discovered my deeper Self in a way that I've not done up to this point. And, the simplicity of my life is allowing me to be fully present with all the changes that I'm going through, that we're all going through together. I'm so grateful for this time of real presence. It changes things and has helped me to reorient my priorities and to see what's really important. I used to be much more externally focused, even though I had an active internal life. But now, I am more internally focused, and the interesting result of that is that I'm even more present in the external. Who knew?
We're all on a journey of deep transformation and change. It has been going on for a long time, and will continue for a long time to come. We'll have times of respite in order to integrate and enjoy what we're going through, but we will keep plunging ahead and expanding and opening because we are alive, and Life is eternal and unending. Physical bodies will come and go, where we choose to embody will change, but Life will continue unabated, filled with mystery and growth and the pure joy of experience. We are Love embodied, and we're only just beginning to understand what that really means.
Right now, I'm grateful to be experiencing these waves of Love that wash through me and leave me changed forever. I'm grateful for simple things and a simple life that allows me to fully experience it. I'm grateful for this Life in this body, here and now, and for Life in general, in all the ways it manifests. I'm grateful for the level of acceptance I've reached and the lack of expectation I currently have. I am, once again, on my knees in gratitude.
Friday, June 7, 2013
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Emotionally Raw, But Happy
I can hear thunder, and the wind has picked up. From my vantage point, I can see that it's raining in the valley below me. The first monsoon? Will they come early this year, after practically not even showing up for the last couple of years?
I had all my moving boxes stacked on the balcony, but if it rains, they'd all get soaked. So now, they're all stacked in my living room, which isn't so much a living room anymore as a storage room. I've packed quite a bit so far and I've got tall stacks of packed boxes sitting all over my space. I don't move until the end of the month, but I want to get as much packed as possible as soon as possible so there is, hopefully, no crisis at the end. I'd like everything to go as smoothly as possible in terms of being ready for the moving truck when it arrives. It costs a small fortune to move across the country, and time is money.
I work through the packing at a slow pace. Not everything will go, and so thought must be put into what is being packed. Decisions must be made as to what goes and what gets given away. Some days I'm quicker and some days I'm slower. It all depends on what's being packed and which room draws me. Lots of memories are being triggered, not only by what I go through as I pack, but also because I'm moving back to my home town, and specifically back to the part of town I lived in during my late teens and twenties before I left for what I then thought were greener pastures.
My cats follow me around and constantly check in, needing assurance as their world is thrown into chaos. I sometimes spend hours just sitting and remembering and processing, what went before and what's happening now. This is why I'm not waiting to pack. This is why I'm doing it now. If I have days after everything is packed before the truck gets here, that's fine. But, I don't want to be rushing around at the end, still trying to throw things in boxes so they can be loaded onto the truck.
I've taken down all the art that has graced my walls and either packed what could be packed, or stacked it in the hallway. I spent more time looking at it when I took it down than I have as I have lived with it. I've taken it for granted in the way we do with things we see everyday. So, packing it, or getting it ready to pack, has given me a chance to appreciate it and choose to continue to live with it. As I pack, I get to re-choose what I keep. And, over the last two moves, I've downsized a lot, so what stays is important. And, I realize how little I really need.
I've been wandering like a gypsy for the last 40 years, but my feeling in moving back to San Diego is that my wandering days might be through. That is not to say that I might not do some traveling, but I do feel that finally it will be possible to put down some roots. There's a peace to moving back, an internal settling, an ahhhh. Being near the ocean in San Diego makes me happy. And, even though I've mostly enjoyed the places where I've lived in the last 40 years, being happy isn't something I would have said about myself. But, I can feel happiness bubbling up from deep inside at the prospect of going home.
I love Albuquerque. And, I'm grateful for how she's held me and nurtured me while I've been here. I'm grateful for the wonderful friends I've made here. And, I will always hold this place of immense beauty close to my heart. I talk to the Deva of the city as I drive around her. I thank her for all she's given me. And, I say goodbye. This goodbye is not an easy one. I've left so many people and places over the years, and I don't remember ever having this much emotion in a leave-taking. This city has been very good to me.
I've been emotionally raw and many tears have been falling. Much has come up for review on its way out, and my being has struggled to process everything and keep up with all the movement. But, I know that everything that's showing itself to me as it goes, must go in order to make room for what is to come. So, I'm grateful for the movement, but I go in and out of the overwhelm that it can cause.
I'm happy with what is before me, and I honor everything that has gone before. Honor, and sometimes mourn, for there are things I realize as they come up, that I have not mourned, and the mourning must be done, or we are not complete with what has come before. I am receiving gifts of awareness from that mourning, and growing in ways I wish I could have grown when I was younger. But, at least the lessons and gifts are settling upon me now; and, better late than never.
So, this period of packing and moving is exciting and bittersweet. And, it gives me a chance to feel gratitude for many things that have gone before, as well as for all of what is here now. This gift of reflection is a wonderful thing, part of the letting go that must happen as I move forward. And, it helps me to move forward with a full heart, ready for what Life has in store for me now. I'm excited for the next chapter, and I'm embracing the ever-expanding happiness that's growing within me. And, I am grateful. Ever grateful.
I had all my moving boxes stacked on the balcony, but if it rains, they'd all get soaked. So now, they're all stacked in my living room, which isn't so much a living room anymore as a storage room. I've packed quite a bit so far and I've got tall stacks of packed boxes sitting all over my space. I don't move until the end of the month, but I want to get as much packed as possible as soon as possible so there is, hopefully, no crisis at the end. I'd like everything to go as smoothly as possible in terms of being ready for the moving truck when it arrives. It costs a small fortune to move across the country, and time is money.
I work through the packing at a slow pace. Not everything will go, and so thought must be put into what is being packed. Decisions must be made as to what goes and what gets given away. Some days I'm quicker and some days I'm slower. It all depends on what's being packed and which room draws me. Lots of memories are being triggered, not only by what I go through as I pack, but also because I'm moving back to my home town, and specifically back to the part of town I lived in during my late teens and twenties before I left for what I then thought were greener pastures.
My cats follow me around and constantly check in, needing assurance as their world is thrown into chaos. I sometimes spend hours just sitting and remembering and processing, what went before and what's happening now. This is why I'm not waiting to pack. This is why I'm doing it now. If I have days after everything is packed before the truck gets here, that's fine. But, I don't want to be rushing around at the end, still trying to throw things in boxes so they can be loaded onto the truck.
I've taken down all the art that has graced my walls and either packed what could be packed, or stacked it in the hallway. I spent more time looking at it when I took it down than I have as I have lived with it. I've taken it for granted in the way we do with things we see everyday. So, packing it, or getting it ready to pack, has given me a chance to appreciate it and choose to continue to live with it. As I pack, I get to re-choose what I keep. And, over the last two moves, I've downsized a lot, so what stays is important. And, I realize how little I really need.
I've been wandering like a gypsy for the last 40 years, but my feeling in moving back to San Diego is that my wandering days might be through. That is not to say that I might not do some traveling, but I do feel that finally it will be possible to put down some roots. There's a peace to moving back, an internal settling, an ahhhh. Being near the ocean in San Diego makes me happy. And, even though I've mostly enjoyed the places where I've lived in the last 40 years, being happy isn't something I would have said about myself. But, I can feel happiness bubbling up from deep inside at the prospect of going home.
I love Albuquerque. And, I'm grateful for how she's held me and nurtured me while I've been here. I'm grateful for the wonderful friends I've made here. And, I will always hold this place of immense beauty close to my heart. I talk to the Deva of the city as I drive around her. I thank her for all she's given me. And, I say goodbye. This goodbye is not an easy one. I've left so many people and places over the years, and I don't remember ever having this much emotion in a leave-taking. This city has been very good to me.
I've been emotionally raw and many tears have been falling. Much has come up for review on its way out, and my being has struggled to process everything and keep up with all the movement. But, I know that everything that's showing itself to me as it goes, must go in order to make room for what is to come. So, I'm grateful for the movement, but I go in and out of the overwhelm that it can cause.
I'm happy with what is before me, and I honor everything that has gone before. Honor, and sometimes mourn, for there are things I realize as they come up, that I have not mourned, and the mourning must be done, or we are not complete with what has come before. I am receiving gifts of awareness from that mourning, and growing in ways I wish I could have grown when I was younger. But, at least the lessons and gifts are settling upon me now; and, better late than never.
So, this period of packing and moving is exciting and bittersweet. And, it gives me a chance to feel gratitude for many things that have gone before, as well as for all of what is here now. This gift of reflection is a wonderful thing, part of the letting go that must happen as I move forward. And, it helps me to move forward with a full heart, ready for what Life has in store for me now. I'm excited for the next chapter, and I'm embracing the ever-expanding happiness that's growing within me. And, I am grateful. Ever grateful.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Living DNA
DNA is not fixed. It's changeable, and it changes to reflect our current state of consciousness. As we grow and develop, it changes to reflect that. It also upgrades through body communication with beloveds and friends.
As we communicate with those close to us, through the proximity of our physical bodies, we are also communicating cellularly and our DNA is exchanging information. The more varied our DNA, the better. It makes us stronger, and it opens up avenues for growth and change, that make growth and change more possible.
Anna, Saint Anne as she is known in the Catholic church, the mother of Mary and the grandmother of Yeshua (Jesus), was a highly developed spiritual adept. She studied matters of the Spirit with masters in Palestine, Egypt, India, England, and throughout the Mediterranean area. She was also a physical immortal, having mastered the practices of cellular regeneration. She lived for 400 years before she was fully prepared and ready to birth Mary. The level of light that Mary carried had to be brought forth through one who could match the vibration, or the pregnancy wouldn't have succeeded. All of Anna's preparation and development affected and grew her DNA and raised her vibratory level.
Mary had Yeshua when she was 16 years old. It was beneficial to the process of bringing him through to have him as young as possible while still ensuring the safety of them both. She was protected within a community of Essenes who knew who she was and what she had been born to do. She followed a course of spiritual study, developing herself for the task of birthing Yeshua. Though she had a very high vibration herself, by birthing Yeshua while she was as young as possible, she was in a more pure state with fewer things to transmute within herself and was able to keep her vibration high enough to sync with Yeshua's. To raise the level of the DNA that would be passed on to Yeshua even higher, Mary's DNA was combined with a combination of off-planet DNA, and although human, Yeshua brought with him a new hybridization of DNA to the planet.
Yeshua had a number of children, through whom his more expanded and informed DNA was passed on to the generations that followed. And, when Yeshua's public mission was complete and he retreated to India with his wives and some of his children, the rest of the family dispersed themselves over far reaches of geography in order to spread their DNA throughout the world as best they could. They were also in hiding and running for their lives from those who felt so threatened by their awareness and the light they carried that they wanted to kill them.
At this point in time, either through direct genetic transmission, or through physical proximity and energetic tramsmission, we all carry the DNA that Yeshua brought in to the planet. We've all received the upgrade. And, our DNA is continuing to upgrade and transform as our planet upgrades and transforms. The DNA that was implanted in the time of Yeshua has done its job and brought us to the point where we can be receptive to the upgrades we're in the process of receiving now.
We travel much more now than peoples of the past. And, as we travel, we are in the process of upgrading and expanding our DNA, which makes it more possible to receive and integrate the light infusions we're all currently being given. As each one of us heals, transmutes the past, and raises our consciousness, we lift each other up. None of us do this work alone. Since the Life that lives us is the same, and we are all part and parcel of the same energetic field, we are inextricably linked.
So, know that you have Christed DNA in your chain. It's there, affecting and transforming each and every one us every second. It's been in the chain of planetary DNA for two millennia, working to prepare and open us for the planetary upgrade and vibrational change we're all experiencing right now. We came in knowing what we were going to be participating in and wanting to be here. We've prepared for lifetimes on more planets than this one to be ready for this opportunity to grow in consciousness and uplift our vibration in sync with our planet as we move into a new dimension. And, we are ready. No matter what it looks like in the world of form, we got this.
As we communicate with those close to us, through the proximity of our physical bodies, we are also communicating cellularly and our DNA is exchanging information. The more varied our DNA, the better. It makes us stronger, and it opens up avenues for growth and change, that make growth and change more possible.
Anna, Saint Anne as she is known in the Catholic church, the mother of Mary and the grandmother of Yeshua (Jesus), was a highly developed spiritual adept. She studied matters of the Spirit with masters in Palestine, Egypt, India, England, and throughout the Mediterranean area. She was also a physical immortal, having mastered the practices of cellular regeneration. She lived for 400 years before she was fully prepared and ready to birth Mary. The level of light that Mary carried had to be brought forth through one who could match the vibration, or the pregnancy wouldn't have succeeded. All of Anna's preparation and development affected and grew her DNA and raised her vibratory level.
Mary had Yeshua when she was 16 years old. It was beneficial to the process of bringing him through to have him as young as possible while still ensuring the safety of them both. She was protected within a community of Essenes who knew who she was and what she had been born to do. She followed a course of spiritual study, developing herself for the task of birthing Yeshua. Though she had a very high vibration herself, by birthing Yeshua while she was as young as possible, she was in a more pure state with fewer things to transmute within herself and was able to keep her vibration high enough to sync with Yeshua's. To raise the level of the DNA that would be passed on to Yeshua even higher, Mary's DNA was combined with a combination of off-planet DNA, and although human, Yeshua brought with him a new hybridization of DNA to the planet.
Yeshua had a number of children, through whom his more expanded and informed DNA was passed on to the generations that followed. And, when Yeshua's public mission was complete and he retreated to India with his wives and some of his children, the rest of the family dispersed themselves over far reaches of geography in order to spread their DNA throughout the world as best they could. They were also in hiding and running for their lives from those who felt so threatened by their awareness and the light they carried that they wanted to kill them.
At this point in time, either through direct genetic transmission, or through physical proximity and energetic tramsmission, we all carry the DNA that Yeshua brought in to the planet. We've all received the upgrade. And, our DNA is continuing to upgrade and transform as our planet upgrades and transforms. The DNA that was implanted in the time of Yeshua has done its job and brought us to the point where we can be receptive to the upgrades we're in the process of receiving now.
We travel much more now than peoples of the past. And, as we travel, we are in the process of upgrading and expanding our DNA, which makes it more possible to receive and integrate the light infusions we're all currently being given. As each one of us heals, transmutes the past, and raises our consciousness, we lift each other up. None of us do this work alone. Since the Life that lives us is the same, and we are all part and parcel of the same energetic field, we are inextricably linked.
So, know that you have Christed DNA in your chain. It's there, affecting and transforming each and every one us every second. It's been in the chain of planetary DNA for two millennia, working to prepare and open us for the planetary upgrade and vibrational change we're all experiencing right now. We came in knowing what we were going to be participating in and wanting to be here. We've prepared for lifetimes on more planets than this one to be ready for this opportunity to grow in consciousness and uplift our vibration in sync with our planet as we move into a new dimension. And, we are ready. No matter what it looks like in the world of form, we got this.
Friday, May 10, 2013
Moving to San Diego
It's raining in Albuquerque. And, as something let go in the weather to allow the rain to fall, something seemed to let go in me today. I slowed down. I let go...a little.
I'm moving to San Diego. And, as much as my soul knows that that's my next step, my human is feeling some overwhelm and anxiety. If I could just teleport myself, my cats, and my stuff there, it would be okay; but, since that's not possible, the 3D physical stuff has got me going a little crazy. I also find the explaining of my actions to the people around me to be a bit stressful. If it was a mental decision with a string of logical steps and conclusions, it would be easier; but, it's a decision that comes from the depth of my being with more emotion than logic. And, since I moved to the place where I'm living only six months ago, the decision to move again is even more challenging to explain.
I've been having what I finally realized were panic attacks. My heart would race for no reason, I'd get short of breath with no cause. My digestion has been upset. For a while now, these symptoms have been passing me without registering. I would feel them, but then ignore them. But, today, because I slowed down and started to be with what was happening, I realized that my anxiety is taking physical expression.
I've moved more than the normal person. My family moved every two years for my whole childhood until we finally settled into a house that my parents bought when I started high school. I lived in that house for four years and then moved out to be on my own. I moved every few years, and sometimes every year, until I found the last apartment I had in Santa Monica. I lived there for eight years, which is the longest I've lived anywhere in my life. I've been in Albuquerque for almost five years and I've lived in four different places in that time. And, now, I'm moving everything back across the country to be in San Diego. Moving from one side of town to the other is a lot, but moving from one state to another is really daunting.
I downsized by half when I moved into the apartment where I am now. And, I'll downsize again as I get ready to pack for the move to California. I enjoy getting rid of things and having less. It always feels good to let stuff go. But, it takes time to go through everything and make all the decisions about what stays and what goes. And, it has an emotional component to it. A lot of emotions get triggered as one makes the decisions about what one needs, or wants, and what one needs to let go of. Moving doesn't just stir up things in a physical sense, it stirs up things on every level. So, apart from dealing with all of what the physical demands, there's a lot of internal stuff moving around and processing through as well.
Albuquerque has been a joy for the most part. I've loved this city and its people. There is an unsurpassing beauty here that has surrounded and nurtured me. And, I will miss the Sandia Mountains, which I love. But, my being needs the ocean. I ache and yearn for the water. I've never lived away from the water until I moved here. And, it didn't really bother me for the first four years because I was still traveling a lot and getting periods of time at the water. Things changed when I retired and the traveling stopped. I've been in Albuquerque for the last year with no time away, and my need for the ocean has made itself known loud and clear. I dream about the ocean. I dream of seagulls, and kelp drying in the sun on the beach. I smell the salty moisture of the water and feel the ting of it in the air. During the last animal communication session I had with my cats, they were showing images of the ocean to the animal communicator. She couldn't understand why they were showing her the ocean when we live in Albuquerque, but it's because they were picking it up from me.
Family is also calling. Over the last year, I've become much closer to my sister. We've been talking more over the phone and I've been missing her. So, by moving to San Diego, I get the ocean and I get family. Since I grew up in San Diego, it's like going home. But, I've now lived away from it for longer than I lived in it, so I know that it will be a very different place. And, I'm a different person. When I left in my 20's, I was looking for and wanting so many things. I had things to find out about myself and things to prove. But, as I come back now, I know myself and I have nothing to prove. I've done what I wanted to do and I've traveled the world. I'm a softer, quieter person who's been pretty much stripped to the bone.
I'm driving to San Diego first to find a place to live and then coming back to pack and move. I'm not looking forward to the drive, but it is what it is. I'm looking for places to live in the same, small beach community I lived in before I moved away from San Diego. And, I'll look for work as a waitress once I get there, which is what I did years and years ago. So, it's a real full-circle moment. I could arrange things so I didn't have to work, but I'm actually looking forward to working. I've had a year of total freedom and lack of structure, so I feel okay now about finding work. And, I like the idea of waitressing. I always enjoyed it when I did it before and I expect to enjoy it now.
I'm excited and melancholy all at the same time. I'm holding space for what is to come, and I'm honoring what is done and what I'm parting with. It's a new chapter, and I have no idea what it will hold, but I'm excited by the possibilities that it offers. I didn't know this was what I'd be doing until a couple of weeks ago. I'd felt something coming, but it hadn't taken shape yet. Then, rather suddenly, it became clear, and I knew where I was to go and what I had to do. All there is left is to do it. So, after a year of rest, I'm on my way. Wish me luck!
I'm moving to San Diego. And, as much as my soul knows that that's my next step, my human is feeling some overwhelm and anxiety. If I could just teleport myself, my cats, and my stuff there, it would be okay; but, since that's not possible, the 3D physical stuff has got me going a little crazy. I also find the explaining of my actions to the people around me to be a bit stressful. If it was a mental decision with a string of logical steps and conclusions, it would be easier; but, it's a decision that comes from the depth of my being with more emotion than logic. And, since I moved to the place where I'm living only six months ago, the decision to move again is even more challenging to explain.
I've been having what I finally realized were panic attacks. My heart would race for no reason, I'd get short of breath with no cause. My digestion has been upset. For a while now, these symptoms have been passing me without registering. I would feel them, but then ignore them. But, today, because I slowed down and started to be with what was happening, I realized that my anxiety is taking physical expression.
I've moved more than the normal person. My family moved every two years for my whole childhood until we finally settled into a house that my parents bought when I started high school. I lived in that house for four years and then moved out to be on my own. I moved every few years, and sometimes every year, until I found the last apartment I had in Santa Monica. I lived there for eight years, which is the longest I've lived anywhere in my life. I've been in Albuquerque for almost five years and I've lived in four different places in that time. And, now, I'm moving everything back across the country to be in San Diego. Moving from one side of town to the other is a lot, but moving from one state to another is really daunting.
I downsized by half when I moved into the apartment where I am now. And, I'll downsize again as I get ready to pack for the move to California. I enjoy getting rid of things and having less. It always feels good to let stuff go. But, it takes time to go through everything and make all the decisions about what stays and what goes. And, it has an emotional component to it. A lot of emotions get triggered as one makes the decisions about what one needs, or wants, and what one needs to let go of. Moving doesn't just stir up things in a physical sense, it stirs up things on every level. So, apart from dealing with all of what the physical demands, there's a lot of internal stuff moving around and processing through as well.
Albuquerque has been a joy for the most part. I've loved this city and its people. There is an unsurpassing beauty here that has surrounded and nurtured me. And, I will miss the Sandia Mountains, which I love. But, my being needs the ocean. I ache and yearn for the water. I've never lived away from the water until I moved here. And, it didn't really bother me for the first four years because I was still traveling a lot and getting periods of time at the water. Things changed when I retired and the traveling stopped. I've been in Albuquerque for the last year with no time away, and my need for the ocean has made itself known loud and clear. I dream about the ocean. I dream of seagulls, and kelp drying in the sun on the beach. I smell the salty moisture of the water and feel the ting of it in the air. During the last animal communication session I had with my cats, they were showing images of the ocean to the animal communicator. She couldn't understand why they were showing her the ocean when we live in Albuquerque, but it's because they were picking it up from me.
Family is also calling. Over the last year, I've become much closer to my sister. We've been talking more over the phone and I've been missing her. So, by moving to San Diego, I get the ocean and I get family. Since I grew up in San Diego, it's like going home. But, I've now lived away from it for longer than I lived in it, so I know that it will be a very different place. And, I'm a different person. When I left in my 20's, I was looking for and wanting so many things. I had things to find out about myself and things to prove. But, as I come back now, I know myself and I have nothing to prove. I've done what I wanted to do and I've traveled the world. I'm a softer, quieter person who's been pretty much stripped to the bone.
I'm driving to San Diego first to find a place to live and then coming back to pack and move. I'm not looking forward to the drive, but it is what it is. I'm looking for places to live in the same, small beach community I lived in before I moved away from San Diego. And, I'll look for work as a waitress once I get there, which is what I did years and years ago. So, it's a real full-circle moment. I could arrange things so I didn't have to work, but I'm actually looking forward to working. I've had a year of total freedom and lack of structure, so I feel okay now about finding work. And, I like the idea of waitressing. I always enjoyed it when I did it before and I expect to enjoy it now.
I'm excited and melancholy all at the same time. I'm holding space for what is to come, and I'm honoring what is done and what I'm parting with. It's a new chapter, and I have no idea what it will hold, but I'm excited by the possibilities that it offers. I didn't know this was what I'd be doing until a couple of weeks ago. I'd felt something coming, but it hadn't taken shape yet. Then, rather suddenly, it became clear, and I knew where I was to go and what I had to do. All there is left is to do it. So, after a year of rest, I'm on my way. Wish me luck!
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Transformation
I don't like the idea that the ego is something we don't need or should kill. As long as we're embodied we need an ego, or sense of self. But, what we can do is to transform or re-purpose the ego, or sense of self, to be cooperative with and supportive to our larger sense of Self, or soul, instead of thinking that it is in charge and running the show.
I feel that we're all in a process of transforming our old 3D egos into the more supportive 5D versions, whether we realize it or not. But, in this transformational process, there's some confusion and a sense of being unmoored and out of control...which is a good thing. We feel out of control because we really are not in control in the same way we used to be in 3D. Being in control and using our will to make things happen is the old paradigm. The new paradigm is about being in the present moment and staying aware of our experience as it's happening and then responding appropriately. In order to do that, we must release our need to control our experience or use our will in order to make things happen.
Even my cat is going through this. I use an animal communicator to talk with my cats. I understand a lot of what they tell me, but often need help in more specific communication. During our last animal communication session, which we had because Sophie, the type-A self-appointed Queen of the roost, was acting out by purposely not using her litter box and, instead, leaving me little gifts nearby. She said she was doing this because she's feeling out of control. She's used to bullying and controlling my other female, Negri. But lately, Negri has been getting more friendly with my male, Buddy, in an effort to find peace. Sophie is set upon maintaining a certain amount of tension in regard to her inability to accept Buddy, and Negri is tiring of that tension. And, because Negri is no longer allowing Sophie to control her in regard to her attitude toward Buddy, Sophie is more on her own and feeling like the outsider. The choice to accept Buddy into our family and give up control is one Sophie has not yet been able to make. And, she might never be able to make that choice. But, she's suffering for it.
This is the same choice we're all being asked to make. To accept things as they are, see the truth of them and respond accordingly. This requires the release of any control or expectation of any particular outcome in regard to whatever it is we happen to be experiencing. Since this is a big change for most of us from how we've been used to doing things, there's some resistance. I've found that allowing the resistance to just be there and to have its space gives it a chance to move on through. I watch it to see what the resistance is about, and I have compassion for the part of me that's struggling, and I've come to realize that all it needs is to be seen. By seeing and acknowledging the resistance or fear that's making itself known, I honor that aspect of myself that needs reassurance and comfort in order to move forward.
The other thing my cat, Sophie, said that she needed and didn't feel she was getting was to be seen. To be really seen. Isn't that what we all want? We relax when we feel really seen and really heard, and we struggle when we feel we haven't been seen or heard...in every aspect of ourselves. When fear and resistance come up, instead of pushing them away, or thinking we should be feeling something else that we consider to be more acceptable, if we really see and hear that aspect of ourselves and give it comfort and reassurance, it will calm down and the fear and resistance will move through. We might have to comfort and reassure that aspect of ourselves repeatedly, but sooner or later, the fear and resistance will lose their grip. It's a back and forth process, but it ultimately brings us into deeper relationship with ourselves and, over time, renders the fear and doubt and resistance powerless to control us any longer.
The other thing I'm noticing is that I have no ambition or need to accomplish anything in the way I used to. Previously, I was always striving toward some goal, trying to prove something or get somewhere. But now, all of that seems to have gone away. I'm not quite sure who I am without it and so I get confused about what I'm doing, but I think that's a transitional feeling. Once my old sense of self gets further along in this transformation, I'll be able to relax into a life free of striving and efforting. But, right now, I'm still in the back and forth of it. I'm still in the in between of what was and what is.
I think the best we can do for ourselves, and those with whom we come into contact, is to be as compassionate and kind as possible. Everyone is under a lot of stress as we go through this transition, both from the outside and from the inside, and the more patient and accepting we can be with ourselves and others, the more graceful this transition will be. I think it's giving us a chance to really open up to ourselves and be more loving. And, the more we're able to accept and love ourselves, the more we'll be able to do that for everyone else.
Deep transitions and transformations are not easy, but we're better for them. They always require a change in perspective and behavior, which we usually resist, but once we let go we wonder why we didn't do it sooner. There's a release and a relaxation to deep change that is expansive and liberating. It's difficult to remember that sometimes when we're in the throes of it, which is when we could really benefit by being kind to ourselves. But, once we stop struggling against the inevitable and let go into it, our being opens up again and we start to move forward.
So, let's love ourselves through this. Let's be kind and compassionate with ourselves. Let's really see ourselves, and accept and allow all aspects of ourselves to be included into the whole, even the ones that are frightened and resistant. It's an opportunity to love ourselves free from everything that has held us captive or held us back or limited us in anyway. If we can remember that, we can be grateful for this opportunity for change and transformation. If we can remember that, we can embrace our experience and surrender into it. If we can remember that, we can move forward by leaps and bounds.
I feel that we're all in a process of transforming our old 3D egos into the more supportive 5D versions, whether we realize it or not. But, in this transformational process, there's some confusion and a sense of being unmoored and out of control...which is a good thing. We feel out of control because we really are not in control in the same way we used to be in 3D. Being in control and using our will to make things happen is the old paradigm. The new paradigm is about being in the present moment and staying aware of our experience as it's happening and then responding appropriately. In order to do that, we must release our need to control our experience or use our will in order to make things happen.
Even my cat is going through this. I use an animal communicator to talk with my cats. I understand a lot of what they tell me, but often need help in more specific communication. During our last animal communication session, which we had because Sophie, the type-A self-appointed Queen of the roost, was acting out by purposely not using her litter box and, instead, leaving me little gifts nearby. She said she was doing this because she's feeling out of control. She's used to bullying and controlling my other female, Negri. But lately, Negri has been getting more friendly with my male, Buddy, in an effort to find peace. Sophie is set upon maintaining a certain amount of tension in regard to her inability to accept Buddy, and Negri is tiring of that tension. And, because Negri is no longer allowing Sophie to control her in regard to her attitude toward Buddy, Sophie is more on her own and feeling like the outsider. The choice to accept Buddy into our family and give up control is one Sophie has not yet been able to make. And, she might never be able to make that choice. But, she's suffering for it.
This is the same choice we're all being asked to make. To accept things as they are, see the truth of them and respond accordingly. This requires the release of any control or expectation of any particular outcome in regard to whatever it is we happen to be experiencing. Since this is a big change for most of us from how we've been used to doing things, there's some resistance. I've found that allowing the resistance to just be there and to have its space gives it a chance to move on through. I watch it to see what the resistance is about, and I have compassion for the part of me that's struggling, and I've come to realize that all it needs is to be seen. By seeing and acknowledging the resistance or fear that's making itself known, I honor that aspect of myself that needs reassurance and comfort in order to move forward.
The other thing my cat, Sophie, said that she needed and didn't feel she was getting was to be seen. To be really seen. Isn't that what we all want? We relax when we feel really seen and really heard, and we struggle when we feel we haven't been seen or heard...in every aspect of ourselves. When fear and resistance come up, instead of pushing them away, or thinking we should be feeling something else that we consider to be more acceptable, if we really see and hear that aspect of ourselves and give it comfort and reassurance, it will calm down and the fear and resistance will move through. We might have to comfort and reassure that aspect of ourselves repeatedly, but sooner or later, the fear and resistance will lose their grip. It's a back and forth process, but it ultimately brings us into deeper relationship with ourselves and, over time, renders the fear and doubt and resistance powerless to control us any longer.
The other thing I'm noticing is that I have no ambition or need to accomplish anything in the way I used to. Previously, I was always striving toward some goal, trying to prove something or get somewhere. But now, all of that seems to have gone away. I'm not quite sure who I am without it and so I get confused about what I'm doing, but I think that's a transitional feeling. Once my old sense of self gets further along in this transformation, I'll be able to relax into a life free of striving and efforting. But, right now, I'm still in the back and forth of it. I'm still in the in between of what was and what is.
I think the best we can do for ourselves, and those with whom we come into contact, is to be as compassionate and kind as possible. Everyone is under a lot of stress as we go through this transition, both from the outside and from the inside, and the more patient and accepting we can be with ourselves and others, the more graceful this transition will be. I think it's giving us a chance to really open up to ourselves and be more loving. And, the more we're able to accept and love ourselves, the more we'll be able to do that for everyone else.
Deep transitions and transformations are not easy, but we're better for them. They always require a change in perspective and behavior, which we usually resist, but once we let go we wonder why we didn't do it sooner. There's a release and a relaxation to deep change that is expansive and liberating. It's difficult to remember that sometimes when we're in the throes of it, which is when we could really benefit by being kind to ourselves. But, once we stop struggling against the inevitable and let go into it, our being opens up again and we start to move forward.
So, let's love ourselves through this. Let's be kind and compassionate with ourselves. Let's really see ourselves, and accept and allow all aspects of ourselves to be included into the whole, even the ones that are frightened and resistant. It's an opportunity to love ourselves free from everything that has held us captive or held us back or limited us in anyway. If we can remember that, we can be grateful for this opportunity for change and transformation. If we can remember that, we can embrace our experience and surrender into it. If we can remember that, we can move forward by leaps and bounds.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
It's Enough
I've been feeling exhausted for no reason lately. I've been having trouble sleeping at night and then taking long naps in the day. The only reason I can indulge these weird sleep patterns is that I don't have to go to work. I've been accomplishing very little, as you might imagine.
Part of this is due to a lot of personal internal processing I've been doing lately, and part of this is due to the immense amount of light and energy coming into the planet. We're all being required to process and integrate this light and energy at such a rate that we're getting a bit overwhelmed. And, I don't see it letting up any time soon. We're in the midst of a planetary upgrade and transitioning into a new dimension of being. This is no small feat. And, we're physically feeling the stress of it.
I used to be such a good sleeper. I never had trouble going to sleep at night. My head would hit the pillow and I'd be out. I could pretty much sleep anywhere at anytime. And, once asleep, I was a very sound sleeper. I considered sleeping to be one of my talents. Part of this, as I look back, was most likely due to the fact that my work left me constantly exhausted and sleep deprived. When you run on four to five hours of sleep for years of time, your body is desperate for it. Any time I'd stop, or let down, for even a few minutes, my body would go for sleep. But now, I'm getting plenty of sleep.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm so exhausted because the Epstein Barr is kicking in, or the Hashimoto's Thyroiditis and subsequent Hypothyroidism. But then, I talk to other people who are also feeling exhausted for no particular reason, and I realize it's something larger. I don't like to blame whatever is going on with me to the planetary upgrade and infusion of light that's coming in, but it really does have a huge impact on all of us. I'm tired of hearing about "ascension symptoms." But, some of them are real. And, like it or not, believe in it or not, this planetary transition is definitely affecting all of us.
We've been building up to this planetary transition for a long time. The energy has been building slowly. But, we've now come to a point in this buildup where the energy has gained momemtum and is speeding up. We're literally being pushed through into a new reality and level of being. And, it's no small accomplishment to go through this whole process while in the body. It's never been done before on any other world. And, it's taking a toll. Some of us will be able to pull it off, and some of us won't. Upgrading our vibrational level, changing dimensions, and transforming our physical beings from a carbon-based system into a crystalline-based system while in the body is pretty miraculous. No wonder we're all exhausted.
There's not much we can do about it except to ride it out. But, what we can do is to be kind to ourselves. We can stop pushing ourselves as much as we might have in the past. We can lighten our schedules and demand less of ourselves, knowing that this huge shift we're participating in is taking the lion's share of our energy. If we keep pushing ourselves the way we were able to in 3D, we'll burn ourselves out. So, it's a choice. We can acknowledge what's going on and give ourselves a break, or we can just keep pushing and see what happens. How much can we take? Like an experiment.
I'm very grateful that I chose to stop working at the end of last year so that I can ride the energy on a daily basis. Because I'm not being pulled by the external in the way I was when I was working, I've become much more internal in focus, and much more attuned to the energy. Some days I have a lot of energy. I get up early and get lots done. But, other days I can barely get out of bed, get very little done--feeding the cats is a big accomplishment--and take long naps. I don't make many long-term plans, because I'm never sure how I'll feel on any given day. I no longer will myself to do things I don't want to do, I just don't have the energy for it.
Since I stopped working, I've spent long periods of time feeling guilty about what I'm not doing. I've tried to berate myself into doing various things. But, I don't have much energy for that anymore either. The whole idea of doing is highly overrated anyway. And, I am doing things. Not to the level I once did while I was working, but doing none the less. And, this business of staying embodied while transitioning into a new dimension requires doing a lot. It's just that most of the doing in regard to dimensional change is internal in nature. So, it looks like we're not doing anything but, in actuality, we're doing more than we consciously understand.
I keep reaching new levels of acceptance of myself and who I am and what my life is. And, I'm now much more accepting of what each day brings, or doesn't bring. If I'm tired, I rest. If I've got energy, I use it. I don't wake up expecting either. I've stopped wondering what I'm going to do, and now accept that I'm doing enough. I've stopped judging myself on yet another level. One more pressure valve released. One less expectation to meet. One more level of relaxation reached.
I have no idea how things will happen as the days go by, but I'm getting more comfortable with not knowing. Allowing Life to show up as it does takes less energy than having any expectation of how it should show up. And, the less energy I expend on judgments and expectations, the more energy I have to really be with whatever is happening. And, considering what we're experiencing here on Earth, and the fact that we're the first humans to be experiencing it, I really want to be with it. I think that's what it's about for some of us. To really be with the change. And, in terms of doing something, that's a lot.
And so, I enjoy my days. I enjoy how Life shows up on a daily basis. I cook and I clean and I take care of my cats, and I help to usher in the biggest change most of us will ever experience. And, it's enough.
Part of this is due to a lot of personal internal processing I've been doing lately, and part of this is due to the immense amount of light and energy coming into the planet. We're all being required to process and integrate this light and energy at such a rate that we're getting a bit overwhelmed. And, I don't see it letting up any time soon. We're in the midst of a planetary upgrade and transitioning into a new dimension of being. This is no small feat. And, we're physically feeling the stress of it.
I used to be such a good sleeper. I never had trouble going to sleep at night. My head would hit the pillow and I'd be out. I could pretty much sleep anywhere at anytime. And, once asleep, I was a very sound sleeper. I considered sleeping to be one of my talents. Part of this, as I look back, was most likely due to the fact that my work left me constantly exhausted and sleep deprived. When you run on four to five hours of sleep for years of time, your body is desperate for it. Any time I'd stop, or let down, for even a few minutes, my body would go for sleep. But now, I'm getting plenty of sleep.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm so exhausted because the Epstein Barr is kicking in, or the Hashimoto's Thyroiditis and subsequent Hypothyroidism. But then, I talk to other people who are also feeling exhausted for no particular reason, and I realize it's something larger. I don't like to blame whatever is going on with me to the planetary upgrade and infusion of light that's coming in, but it really does have a huge impact on all of us. I'm tired of hearing about "ascension symptoms." But, some of them are real. And, like it or not, believe in it or not, this planetary transition is definitely affecting all of us.
We've been building up to this planetary transition for a long time. The energy has been building slowly. But, we've now come to a point in this buildup where the energy has gained momemtum and is speeding up. We're literally being pushed through into a new reality and level of being. And, it's no small accomplishment to go through this whole process while in the body. It's never been done before on any other world. And, it's taking a toll. Some of us will be able to pull it off, and some of us won't. Upgrading our vibrational level, changing dimensions, and transforming our physical beings from a carbon-based system into a crystalline-based system while in the body is pretty miraculous. No wonder we're all exhausted.
There's not much we can do about it except to ride it out. But, what we can do is to be kind to ourselves. We can stop pushing ourselves as much as we might have in the past. We can lighten our schedules and demand less of ourselves, knowing that this huge shift we're participating in is taking the lion's share of our energy. If we keep pushing ourselves the way we were able to in 3D, we'll burn ourselves out. So, it's a choice. We can acknowledge what's going on and give ourselves a break, or we can just keep pushing and see what happens. How much can we take? Like an experiment.
I'm very grateful that I chose to stop working at the end of last year so that I can ride the energy on a daily basis. Because I'm not being pulled by the external in the way I was when I was working, I've become much more internal in focus, and much more attuned to the energy. Some days I have a lot of energy. I get up early and get lots done. But, other days I can barely get out of bed, get very little done--feeding the cats is a big accomplishment--and take long naps. I don't make many long-term plans, because I'm never sure how I'll feel on any given day. I no longer will myself to do things I don't want to do, I just don't have the energy for it.
Since I stopped working, I've spent long periods of time feeling guilty about what I'm not doing. I've tried to berate myself into doing various things. But, I don't have much energy for that anymore either. The whole idea of doing is highly overrated anyway. And, I am doing things. Not to the level I once did while I was working, but doing none the less. And, this business of staying embodied while transitioning into a new dimension requires doing a lot. It's just that most of the doing in regard to dimensional change is internal in nature. So, it looks like we're not doing anything but, in actuality, we're doing more than we consciously understand.
I keep reaching new levels of acceptance of myself and who I am and what my life is. And, I'm now much more accepting of what each day brings, or doesn't bring. If I'm tired, I rest. If I've got energy, I use it. I don't wake up expecting either. I've stopped wondering what I'm going to do, and now accept that I'm doing enough. I've stopped judging myself on yet another level. One more pressure valve released. One less expectation to meet. One more level of relaxation reached.
I have no idea how things will happen as the days go by, but I'm getting more comfortable with not knowing. Allowing Life to show up as it does takes less energy than having any expectation of how it should show up. And, the less energy I expend on judgments and expectations, the more energy I have to really be with whatever is happening. And, considering what we're experiencing here on Earth, and the fact that we're the first humans to be experiencing it, I really want to be with it. I think that's what it's about for some of us. To really be with the change. And, in terms of doing something, that's a lot.
And so, I enjoy my days. I enjoy how Life shows up on a daily basis. I cook and I clean and I take care of my cats, and I help to usher in the biggest change most of us will ever experience. And, it's enough.
Friday, April 19, 2013
Regaining Sovereignty
As I was going to sleep last night, the voices in my head that are not real started talking. This pre-sleep time of quiet seems to be fertile ground for them...all the negatives and the thoughts based in fear. At this juncture in my life, there are many negatives and fear-based thoughts that loop through my consciousness vying for attention. "You're so lazy." "You're such a loser." "You're a failure." Yada, yada, yada and on and on. But, there is also the overlighting aspect of me that knows these thoughts are not true when they move through, the aspect of me that wants to acknowledge, and give voice to, the parts of me that are screaming. It's not possible to stop these negative thoughts with will, or to drown them out with affirmations. They need to be acknowledged and given their space. Not given power, but given space.
The aspects of us that scream in the negative are doing so because they need attention, they need to be heard. There's a reason I think of myself as lazy, or that I think of myself as a loser or a failure. A cause. And, until the cause is acknowledged and brought to light, it runs me from where it's deeply buried. Awareness brings freedom. And, we gain that freedom baby step at a time as we bring more and more aspects of ourselves into our conscious awareness. Once we can see the pattern, or negative belief, it loses its power over us. I've known this as a concept for a long time. But, as time goes by, and I integrate it more and more deeply, I'm now able to give the shadows their due without shutting down the process.
When the shadow voices started to speak last night, instead of trying to stop them or resist them, I just let them speak. And, at the same time, I held myself and comforted the part of myself that, for a long time, believed those voices to be true. And, after a while, the voices faded away and I fell asleep holding myself. Every time we're able to allow the voices to be there without giving them our power, we step forward into more personal sovereignty. We take ourselves back and baby step into empowerment. Each time we can stay conscious as the voices start in on us once again, and give them their space without reacting to them or believing them, we've reclaimed another piece of ourselves. And, as we reclaim these pieces, Life gives us the opportunity to make our sovereignty real through action.
One example of this back and forth between awareness and action that I've had just came into my consciousness this morning. I recently wrote about my awareness in regard to past abuses and invasions of my body while reading "Confessions of a Spiritual Thrillseeker" by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. (RE: Releasing the Wound) And, this morning, while reading "What We Ache For," another book by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, I realized a moment of empowerment that, at the time, I didn't recognize.
This unrecognized moment of empowerment was in regard to rape and taking back the sovereignty of my body. I was in an intimate relationship a while ago that gave me many gifts, and as I realize though my awareness of this morning, those gifts are still showing up. By gifts, I mean the gifts of awareness around my own limitations and misperceptions that the relationship mirrored to me. At one point, we'd had a difficult day, gotten into an argument that triggered a lot for both of us, and then reconciled and gone to bed. I wasn't feeling a desire to be intimate with him, but he wanted--needed--to be intimate with me; to reconnect on a physical level after the conflict we'd had. But, as the foreplay began, he got too rough and I felt like I wasn't real to him anymore, that I was just an object and that he was lost somewhere in his own demons. It frightened me, because it triggered me back into the helpless horror of past experiences. But, the difference this time, was that I gathered my strength and pushed him off of me. I stopped it. I said "no." I took back a piece of myself. And, it only came to me this morning what an act of strength that was.
Our relationship was never the same after that. We continued on for a while, but my wariness of him didn't go away. My realization that he could disappear into himself to the extent that I disappeared as well, and that the only thing present at that point were his demons, gave me pause. And, I was right to be wary. I was right to step back. I was right to later stop the relationship all together. But, as uncomfortable as this experience was, it gave me a chance to step up and regain a part of myself. Until Life gives us a chance at this type of experience, we don't know what we'll do. So, awareness into action. Although, in this case, it was action into belated awareness.
I didn't realize I'd come far enough along in my own development that I'd be able to say "no," to say "stop" in this circumstance. And, it took me months to actually realize the power of what I'd done. And, that awareness only came much later after the previous awareness I'd had around the same issue while reading a book. But, we never know how these things will come or unfold. From the point I'd said "no," the deeper awareness that needed to surface had been struggling toward the light. What finally helps that awareness to push through the surface could be anything, but once loosened, push through it will.
And so, baby step by baby step, I reclaim myself, and aspects of myself return and integrate, and I become more and more whole, more and more sovereign. And, yet again, I find myself on my knees in gratitude, which is always a good place to be.
The aspects of us that scream in the negative are doing so because they need attention, they need to be heard. There's a reason I think of myself as lazy, or that I think of myself as a loser or a failure. A cause. And, until the cause is acknowledged and brought to light, it runs me from where it's deeply buried. Awareness brings freedom. And, we gain that freedom baby step at a time as we bring more and more aspects of ourselves into our conscious awareness. Once we can see the pattern, or negative belief, it loses its power over us. I've known this as a concept for a long time. But, as time goes by, and I integrate it more and more deeply, I'm now able to give the shadows their due without shutting down the process.
When the shadow voices started to speak last night, instead of trying to stop them or resist them, I just let them speak. And, at the same time, I held myself and comforted the part of myself that, for a long time, believed those voices to be true. And, after a while, the voices faded away and I fell asleep holding myself. Every time we're able to allow the voices to be there without giving them our power, we step forward into more personal sovereignty. We take ourselves back and baby step into empowerment. Each time we can stay conscious as the voices start in on us once again, and give them their space without reacting to them or believing them, we've reclaimed another piece of ourselves. And, as we reclaim these pieces, Life gives us the opportunity to make our sovereignty real through action.
One example of this back and forth between awareness and action that I've had just came into my consciousness this morning. I recently wrote about my awareness in regard to past abuses and invasions of my body while reading "Confessions of a Spiritual Thrillseeker" by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. (RE: Releasing the Wound) And, this morning, while reading "What We Ache For," another book by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, I realized a moment of empowerment that, at the time, I didn't recognize.
This unrecognized moment of empowerment was in regard to rape and taking back the sovereignty of my body. I was in an intimate relationship a while ago that gave me many gifts, and as I realize though my awareness of this morning, those gifts are still showing up. By gifts, I mean the gifts of awareness around my own limitations and misperceptions that the relationship mirrored to me. At one point, we'd had a difficult day, gotten into an argument that triggered a lot for both of us, and then reconciled and gone to bed. I wasn't feeling a desire to be intimate with him, but he wanted--needed--to be intimate with me; to reconnect on a physical level after the conflict we'd had. But, as the foreplay began, he got too rough and I felt like I wasn't real to him anymore, that I was just an object and that he was lost somewhere in his own demons. It frightened me, because it triggered me back into the helpless horror of past experiences. But, the difference this time, was that I gathered my strength and pushed him off of me. I stopped it. I said "no." I took back a piece of myself. And, it only came to me this morning what an act of strength that was.
Our relationship was never the same after that. We continued on for a while, but my wariness of him didn't go away. My realization that he could disappear into himself to the extent that I disappeared as well, and that the only thing present at that point were his demons, gave me pause. And, I was right to be wary. I was right to step back. I was right to later stop the relationship all together. But, as uncomfortable as this experience was, it gave me a chance to step up and regain a part of myself. Until Life gives us a chance at this type of experience, we don't know what we'll do. So, awareness into action. Although, in this case, it was action into belated awareness.
I didn't realize I'd come far enough along in my own development that I'd be able to say "no," to say "stop" in this circumstance. And, it took me months to actually realize the power of what I'd done. And, that awareness only came much later after the previous awareness I'd had around the same issue while reading a book. But, we never know how these things will come or unfold. From the point I'd said "no," the deeper awareness that needed to surface had been struggling toward the light. What finally helps that awareness to push through the surface could be anything, but once loosened, push through it will.
And so, baby step by baby step, I reclaim myself, and aspects of myself return and integrate, and I become more and more whole, more and more sovereign. And, yet again, I find myself on my knees in gratitude, which is always a good place to be.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)