The demon voices in my head
have softened over the years.
Their grooves of influence worn deep, they continue to babble, but their
effect is of no real consequence anymore.
I’ve ignored them long enough, while allowing them to continue their
litany, that they don’t even expect me to listen at this point. But, babble they must, and babble they
do. Bla, bla, bla… It’s like white noise in the
background.
For years, the voices in my
head that drove me forward ruled my existence. I didn’t know they weren’t me. I didn’t know they weren’t true. I didn’t know I could ignore them. I didn’t know my own voice, or whose voice I would hear if I
did ignore the voices. Or, would I
hear a voice at all? What would
life be like if actual choice could happen? What would life be like if I was free from their influence?
I just finished reading a
book by Bryce Courtenay called “The Power of One.” It’s a novel set in South Africa during and after the second
World War. It’s about a young man
growing up in this time, the influences that shaped him, and how he grew into a
man and set himself free of the demons of his past that drove him. It’s a very well-written book and got
me to thinking about the demons and voices that have driven me for much of my
life.
The current stage of my life
is a simple, quiet one. I have
lots of time alone and plenty of time for reflection. A peace often comes upon me unbidden, I just sit—or,
sometimes walk--and commune with the sounds and sights of my surroundings. I haven’t always been able to be as
present with the immediacy of my days.
It is a gift of grace. This
is not my constant state. I can
still get pulled into the effect of things that take me out of presence. But, I’m better at being present than I
used to be, and I notice it more often than I used to, and I’m grateful for it
when it happens.
I’m not a formal
meditator. Meditation, for me, is
more a communion with Life wherever I am.
But, this kind of surrender has been traditionally more illusive than
it’s become in recent years.
Sinking into Life, instead of running in front of it, is much more
familiar territory now. I no
longer bear guilt born of pleasure.
I no longer push myself forward out of some need to feel that I am enough
or to matter or to be seen. These
things hold no further ability to drive me.
Today was the first day of
daylight savings time in the US, although here in Europe, it won’t happen for
another couple of weeks. But, it
felt like Spring today. The
temperature was mild and I opened the door to my terrace and sat and read in my
loggia. I could hear the sounds of
cars and motorbikes on the street a few blocks away. I heard the birds singing and talking to each other. There was a voice talking over a
loudspeaker announcing something of which I had no awareness. There were clouds in the sky and a
breeze blowing through the still bare branches of the mulberry tree in the yard
below me. My cat, Sophie, sat
curled up beside me, and gratitude for the peace that enveloped my heart filled
me.
Joy has been a very illusive
experience in my life for a long time, but it is starting to creep in very
subtly. For so long I had some
concept of joy that kept me from it.
I now think joy is a result of presence, that it comes from a surrender
into life and the gratitude that is a result of that surrender. This joy is quiet and warm and fills my
empty spaces. It is not something
to strive for, or that is the result of anything I might or might not do. It’s more about my acceptance of life
and what it holds. It’s about a
lack of resistance.
There might come a time when
I am moved to change the way I live my life or the place in which I live
it. Life is like that. Change comes. But, for now, I am grateful for things exactly the way they
are.
